(Closed) Living together before marriage – yes or no

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Do you think its important to live together before marriage?
    Not at all, if youre meant to be it shouldnt matter : (57 votes)
    23 %
    Nope, if it doesnt work divorce is cheap and easy : (2 votes)
    1 %
    Yes, but only a few months before walking down the aisle : (9 votes)
    4 %
    Yes definatly! you need to know youre compatable : (176 votes)
    72 %
  • Post # 17
    Member
    1849 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    @KCKnd2:  You said that not cohabiting is a way of respecting the institution. Some grade-school level logic is all it takes to see that you think the choice to cohabit conveys less respect for the institution of marriage. Your words weren’t harsh, but your implications are. 

    The page you linked also states, “If cohabitation is limited to a person’s future spouse, there is no elevated risk of divorce.” That’s the same outcome as the one you cited, so I can then conclude that couples who cohabit with future spouses, couples who cahabit and partake in premartial counseling, and couples who don’t cohabit are all equally well equipped for marriage. From that information, I again don’t see why you would have implied that “blurring the lines” is harmful to the institution of marriage, since in this particular case we’re obviously talking about cohabiting with a future spouse. 

    Post # 18
    Member
    10650 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: January 2011

    @Steph18:  One decision may be more popular, but it doesn’t mean it’s the correct decision.

    Post # 21
    Member
    10650 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: January 2011

    @Steph18:  This post has lost me.  That goes way beyond whether or not a couple should live together first.

    As for the stats, you’re welcome to post them, but when you don’t comment on them I infer to an extent as to what the point was that you were trying to make with them.

    Post # 22
    Member
    1595 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    also agree with pinkshoes…while moving in together post-marriage will make the transition more :real: and may require a larger adjustment than couples who have lived together previously, there are many other unplanned and much larger life events that will be thrown a couples way throughout their marriage that in the grand scheme of things , the argument of living together prior to marriage vs post marriage when you fully commit to someone is deemed insignificant, IMO.

    Post # 24
    Member
    10650 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: January 2011

    @Steph18:  I didn’t state that he was joking; I don’t know that for sure.  It does seem likely to me.

     

    his Fiance will not have sex with him (married or not) until he has sat down with her parents and talked about it. and he does not feel comfortable doing that as he doesnt know them all that well.

    That sounds very odd.  I think the truth has gotten muddled somewhere along the way.

    Post # 25
    Member
    1595 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    “For example, almost three-quarters (74%) of people who married in the 2000s lived together before marrying. In contrast, just 3% of people who married in the 1960s (and are still married) lived together first. “

    I’m confused because the stats you referenced are opposite to your perspective that living together before marriage is a necessity…you are essentially saying that in the 1960’s 97% of people who married and are still married did not live together first. Whereas 74% (and growing) of people who are currently getting married are living together before marriage and yet the divorce rate is higher than ever!

    Post # 26
    Member
    2143 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    I really don’t think its “necessary” to live together before marriage. My marriage is not destined for failure because we did not live together beforehand. I know my SOs annoying habits, and I know that I can live with them. 

    Post # 27
    Member
    221 posts
    Helper bee

    I think everyone is different and should do what feels right to them.  I know couples who didn’t live together before marriage and couples who did. The relationship between the couple is the most important thing not if they lived together or not. It is concerning though if he has the “why not, you can get divorced” attitude though.

    Post # 28
    Member
    367 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: February 2012

    Darling Husband and I didn’t live together before marriage – it was due to both choice (though not religious) and circumstance. We were also in a LDR most of our relationship.

    Based on both of these things (long distance AND not living togethe before marriage) I had some friends that were VERY vocal against us getting married as we ‘clearly couldn’t know each other’ yet. However, it is amazing how a LDR can allow you to get to know someone. Sure, I may not have known all his annoying habits, but when all you have is the phone/email/text/etc. you talk about a LOT, and about EVERYTHING. And I really do mean everything.

    Anyway, I digress. Us moving in together after our wedding was not nearly the shock some expected for us, and we’ve cohabitated quite well. We did spend a lot of time talking about our habits, expectations, and potential annoyances, and that has really helped set us up for success.

    Bottom line though? Each couple is unique and should do what is best for them. My Darling Husband and I chose the path we did cause it was best for what we wanted of our relationship; but if a friend of mine wants to live with her SO/FI before getting married, I totally support that too. 

    Post # 29
    Member
    1040 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    It is important to me to live with someone before marriage. I feel being so entrenched in the other person’s life by sharing a home with them makes you see the good, the bad and the ugly, as well as all the good stuff, so you know exactly how you will handle it. I’ve been in a relationship before where everything was perfect, and then living together created a lot of friction, so it was not right. We’d not have known this had we not lived together, and if we’d have married, it would have been disastrous. To me it’s important to do everything to make your relationship work before committing to each other by marriage. Living with my Fiance, on the other hand, was smooth sailing from the get-go and from living together for the past three and a half years, I know I want it to stay this way forever. I don’t feel I’d have known this before moving in together. But I certainly don’t believe living together before marriage is the key to making a marriage work. Everyone is different, of course.

    Post # 30
    Member
    646 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

     @Jezika:  ditto.

    i voted for “yes” cos that’s how it is with me & my SO, and it’s always been important to me.

    but we have a mutual friend, whose Girlfriend of 2 years refused to live with him before they got married. so a week after the wedding they bought an appartment and moved in together. after 3 years of marriage they don’t regret anything cos it all worked out just fine.

    to everyone his own.

    Post # 31
    Member
    61 posts
    Worker bee

    @AB Bride:  +1

    I think it’s important for me to live with my SO before getting married. However, you can’t deny the fact that tons and tons of people have done the opposite and it has worked pretty well for them. So why not?

    OP: Maybe I’m the only one, but I actually think he might have been joking. It doesn’t matter if you’ve never heard him say “I love you” because everyone is different. Some people (me for example) don’t like to show signs of affection in public. Also, even if he keeps complaining about the cost of the wedding, why can’t he? Weddings are expensive, and most guys don’t really care about the details of a wedding so they have a hard time understanding why it costs so much. As for the “divorce is cheap” statement, is it possible that he just doesn’t want to explain himself to you, your Fiance or other people? I know I used that excuse a few times before when people asked me questions that I didn’t want to answer. Your guy sounds like an old-fashioned guy, so maybe he doesn’t like opening up to others?

    Or maybe he’s just a jerk 😉

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