Post # 1
Bees I need help!
I feel like I’m getting verbally abused, manipulated, gaslighted, and people around me (friends, family, coworkers) tell me I am in a toxic relationship. Now, of course they only hear my side of the story and I am by no means perfect but my gut feeling just tells me I can’t be with him for the rest of my life.
I am absolutely scared because I am divorced, in my mid 30s and super worried that I won’t find someone else to have kids with (bio clock ticking here)!!
We live together. That’s where it gets tricky. It’s my house, but legally he can stay 30 days since it’s his primary residence (even though he doesn’t pay any rent)…. if I break up, I will not be able to stay in the same place with him for one month. I just can’t! Emotionally not gonna work out for me.
So I have three options:
1) move out myself and live in an Airbnb or maybe with friends for 30 days until bf gets out. I would need to take my dog since I am not trusting bf with him. He may get really mean with him :/ And I would be seriously concerned about my house. Bf is short tempered and can be aggressive so he may completely destroy my house in 30 days!! I just spent close to 35k on renovating everything so I would be devastated and financially in big trouble if he destroys my property ://
2) stay in the house with him, and suffer through 30 days (he will blame me for everything the entire time, maybe try to win me back through sex, manipulate me and emotionally scar me more)
3) deal with my imperfections, go to counseling and stay in this relationship in the hopes of it improving
He may not even get out in 30 days just to spite me. I would then have to go through a lengthy eviction process…. and I dont think he sees any of this coming so he would be even more upset about the breakup.
What do I do??
Post # 2
It sounds like an abusive relationship, I would get a restraining order and have him evicted straight away. I would seek legal advice if I were you.
Post # 3
He hasn’t been physically abusive, only yelling, cussing, belittling, emotionally abusive, mean. To me and his children from a prior marriage. And the puppy. He kicks and punches the puppy too to discipline him when he bites/nips 🙁
I talked to the police and they said they can’t do anything unless he’s physically abusive
Post # 4
doubts : he hits the PUPPY?! Bee, you’re clearly living in fear of what this man might do if you break up with him. You need to file a restraining order and break up with him.
Post # 5
doubts : Have you looked into tenancy laws? There may be cause to evict him given the abuse, especially of the dog. You should talk to a lawyer.
Post # 6
happiekrappie : he kicked him once or twice before and punched him a couple of times when he nips him. To show “who’s the boss”. Not like every day but enough to make me cringe. He even tells his kids to punch him if he play bites them to show dominance :/
Post # 7
j_jaye : I have and it looks like without real proof of abuse there’s nothing I can do. 30 days and then I can evict him if he’s still here.
He had no money saved so he would stress out BAD if I would kick him out which wouldn’t help with his temper probably
Post # 8
He says he only yells or says mean stuff because I act a certain way. And he blames me for his actions. I have my imperfections (which we all have of course) but I don’t think I’m that bad .. .
Post # 9
He needs to be out of your life as soon as possible. Please go see a lawyer and / or shelters, centers taking care of people in domestic abuse situations. They will be able to guide to the best option. He needs to GO NOW. Do you have male friends or family members who can come live with you during the 30 days if it comes to this? That may intimidate him as such abusers are unbelievably cowards.
And please don’t believe him about all your supposed “imperfections”. Glad to see you trying to better your life by getting him out. Don’t stop until you succeed and never believe a single thing he says.
Post # 10
If I were you I would consider having a trusted friend or family member stay at the house to watch it during the 30 days and then you can stay elsewhere. Maybe that would encourage him to get out faster. I don’t know it’s a really tough situation, I’d be afraid to stay there myself but also terrified of my house getting destroyed. Maybe put up some cameras to monitor things and get evidence if you had to…
you seem to have a good head on your shoulders. You’ll get through this
Post # 11
I have no family or close friends here as I am new to the area. I thought about the cameras too but I dont think I would have the money or energy to even drag him to court IF he destroys anything.
A coworker offered me to stay at her place with the puppy. I just run the risk that he destroys my house….
He used to be in fights back in the day and he drinks every night so that’s not helpful. Again, he’s never laid hands on me and I feel like he is trying to better himself but his personality is just more aggressive and mean that I would prefer and I dont know if he will ever change completely.
Post # 12
The best advice you’re gonna get is gonna come from a lawyer. Please go speak with one.
Post # 13
doubts : Did you tell the police that he kicks and punches your puppy and that you are afraid of him? If not, please go back and tell them this. At the very least they should refer you to a domestic abuse organization, and more likely arrest him for animal cruelty. The domestic abuse people can help you find a lawyer and help you think through some strategies for protecting yourself in the meantime. They are familiar with emotional abuse, gaslighting, etc. You absolutely should not stay with this guy. It does not get better, only worse.
Post # 14
I talked to a lawyer before but I never mentioned the dog situation to anyone.
I will go back to the police and lawyer next week for help.
I just feel like an idiot about the entire situation. I used to be such a strong woman and now I am letting this guy ruin my self worth and my life. He told me that I wont find another guy who is willing to put up with my shit and who would want kids with me 🙁
Post # 15
You stay in your house. It works better to have a few friends or family com visit or stay with you constantly for the 30 days until he leaves. If people have to take shifts so be it. But have people stay at your house with you. It will make it hard for him to cause shit, it will give you witnesses to any behavior, safety, and will most likely make him wanna get out ASAP as these people are in his space.
If no one can stay with you I suggest speaking to the police and a lawyer about what you should/ can do. They should be able to tell you how to proceed. From what I understand if your boyfriend voluntarily leaves the house he then can’t come back. For example, you have a police officer show up to your house to be there while you break up with him. You ask your boyfriend to get his stuff and get out. If your boyfriend agrees and takes some of his things and leaves than at least in the us I think that is him voluntarily leaving and he can’t then claim he can stay.
A lawyer is really where you gotta start and the police.
Do not not believe him when he says you aren’t great and won’t be able to get someone else. That is a lie. Do not feel bad that you fell for this. He slowly and overtime stripped away your self worth. Anything he says you should tell yourself is a lie. Because anything he says is only said to manipulate you. Schedule a therapy session for yourself ASAP. That will help you feel supported, possibly give you help in getting away from him, and give you tools to recognize his lies. Bee you are never separated from love. This guy is not your only chance at love and he can’t take it away from you no matter what. Love isn’t limited to one person or one situation. This week every time you see a couple who look happy, or a cute family say to yourself, “ that’s mine too” because it is. It is proof that you too can have that. Keep us updated and please come here when you need support. Hugs bee ❤️