(Closed) Living Together But Sleep Apart- Thoughts?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: What do you think about couples that live together but sleep apart?
    I'm totally on board. I regularly sleep apart from my SO. : (16 votes)
    6 %
    I support the idea. I do it myself from time to time. : (41 votes)
    15 %
    It's not for me but if it works for other people- great! : (164 votes)
    58 %
    I don't think it's a good idea for anyone. Sleeping together builds intimacy. : (57 votes)
    20 %
    Other. Explain below. : (3 votes)
    1 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    858 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    That used to be proper etiquette actually. I voted that I do it from time to time. Sometimes you just need your space, and like you, I also have insomnia. 🙂 As long as you’re not demanding that he leave if its your problem (and vice versa), I think its all good.

    Post # 4
    Member
    8353 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: March 2011

    My Fiance and I sleep apart because I have insomnia really bad and he snores like a freight train. We still cuddle and stuff and have an awesome relationship; both inside and outside the bedrooms. We each have our own rooms and visit each other regularly. And we both get our “beauty sleep”. Sleeping apart doesn’t mean that we don’t love each other because we really really do. It just means that we can both get a restful nights sleep and be happier in the mornings. Sleeping together was just making us miserable toward each other. It took awhile to get used to the idea, but sleeping apart has worked really well for us.

    Post # 5
    Member
    7296 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    i would never in a million years do it. the best part of going to bed and waking up is cuddles IMO.  and i would have voted “i dont think its a good idea” until a friend of mine told that he sleeps apart from his boyfriend. they each have their own rooms and beds and that just works really well for them and their relationship. so now i am of the opinion if it works for you, then great!

    Post # 6
    Member
    2196 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    @farmgirl2106: I don’t think it was ever “proper etiquette”, unless I’m really mistaken.  Married couples have always slept in the same bed irl.  Back in the early days of television, it was considered too risque for the public to show a couple in the same bed together, which is why Lucy and Ricky, for example, had separate beds.  But I don’t think this was ever actual commonplace practice.  And etiquette seems to be one of those things that never really trespasses on what married couples do in their own bedrooms (societal norms yes, etiquette no).  But correct me if I’m wrong.

    I honestly find it weird if I hear about serious partners living together but not regularly sleeping in the same bed, unless one or both partners have issues getting sleep for some reason. I can’t understand it at all.  One of my favorite things is cuddling in bed with Fiance at night and waking up all entwined with him; it makes it hard to get out of bed.  On the other hand, not being able to get out of bed isn’t really a good thing, ha.  And he is a MAJOR cover hog and cover destroyer–I always wake up to find the flat sheet and any other layer but the comforter kicked to the bottom of the bed, plus a pillow or two on the floor.  And he grinds his teeth at night, and flails often.  So it probably does interrupt my sleep and cut down on the quality of it, but it’s worth it to me.  I can’t understand why a couple without a partner who sleeps poorly or interrupts the sleep of another would skip out on the intimacy of sleeping together, I mean, I really really don’t get it, but whatever.  That’s that couple’s prerogative.

    Post # 7
    Member
    4606 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    @veganglam: My grandparents had seperate beds when they first got married, and only started sleeping the same bed during the 60’s. They were really young when they got married, and according to them, they never saw their parents sleeping the same bed, and no one on tv ever slept in the same bed. They had been married for a few years before they realized that it was quite normal for married people to sleep together, haha. They had always been too embarrassed to ask…

    Fiance and I don’t live togetherFrown… but…I understand where you’re coming from. There are nights that I just can’t sleep while Fiance snoozes away. There have been times where I go and watch tv and end up falling asleep on the couch. It’s not a regular thing, but sometimes you just need your space, and a good night’s sleep. Fiance doesn’t mind it when it happens. I used to feel bad about it, and considered taking sleeping pills, but Fiance told me it was fine and that he had done the same thing when I had slept over at his place. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    3 posts
    Wannabee
    • Wedding: February 2011

    My Fiance and I don’t live together but I couldn’t even IMAGINE sleeping one night without him when we’re married. Sometimes when I hang out at his place and fall asleep on his chest during a movie or something I feel so… *sigh* sappy moment lol. I’m a definitely a cuddler and so is he, so on the rare occasions we have slept in the same bed I loved waking up a tangled mess of limbs 🙂 I love waking up and falling asleep with pillow talk abound! I would assume our pillows had to be close, as in on the same bed, for pillow talk to ensue. So same bed, for us. However if one COULDN’T sleep w their Hubby then what other choice would they have?

    Post # 9
    Member
    2196 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    @SouthernGirl: Haha, aww, that’s just cute.  Now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure that back when marriages weren’t for love but for joining families and making lucrative transactions and the like, you know, centuries and centuries ago in most places, married couples only shared beds to, you know, seal the deal.  I can think of stories about queens having bedrooms separate from kings and the like.

    Post # 10
    Member
    4606 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    @veganglam: Probably so. I sort of giggled when they told me that story, and they laugh about it now too. I bet that marriages back in the really old days were like that, but seriously, how comfortable would you be sharing a bed with someone you’d probably only met once? That would not be my cup on tea. Eh. I’ve read about it too, where it specifically states the queen’s bed chamber or the king’s bed chamber…

    Post # 11
    Member
    441 posts
    Helper bee

    I answered “other” in the poll. My husband and I sleep in different rooms every night, and we always have. He use to snore horribly due to sleep apnea and being overweight. I have small inner ears, so earplugs hurt me, and I don’t like the sensation of not being able to hear what’s going on. Despite the earplugs and a fan going full force, his snoring would still keep me up. It’s also easier for him to sleep propped up, so he sleeps on an upright futon haha. Now that my husband has lost a lot of weight, his snoring is better, so I think we’re going to try to sleep together soon.

    That being said, I hate sleeping in different rooms. I feel like I’m missing a level of intimacy by not going to sleep or waking up next to my husband. I think lots of snuggles before bed or in the morning could help with this if someone has the same problem. I also hate that we always have to get a two bedroom apartment (or a three bedroom house just to have a guestroom!). Oh well, right now it works for us because we both get the best night sleep possible, and I get a big bed all to myself, which is awesome!

    Post # 12
    Member
    3176 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    When FH and I moved in together and started sleeping together reguarly I knew it was just NOT going to work. I am an incredibly light sleeper and allergic to the cold so I need silence and warmth to fall asleep. FH snores like crazy, likes listening to the tv and hates being hot so he always wants to sleep with a fan on or window open (even when its snowing!). After a few attempts at sleeping together and days of being exhausted from lack of sleep I moved to “my room” and its so much better for us. We will still fall asleep together, cuddle, and things like that but one of us will usually move to the other bedroom or if I go to bed before FH he will “tuck me in” I love the idea of sleeping with FH but I hate actually doing it!

    Post # 13
    Member
    2104 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    My fiance has insomnia issues, as well.  He’s also a very light sleeper and apparently I’m a loud breather, so I often wake up to find he’s sleeping on the futon in the office.  I don’t like waking up to an empty bed, but a understand that if that’s what he needs to get some sleep then so be it.  I feel bad that he has to sleep on a crappy futon instead of our awesome bed.

    Post # 14
    Member
    3522 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2010

    I have a really hard time sleeping apart from Darling Husband. We never sleep apart, but if I go to bed before him he’ll sometimes tuck me in, which is very cute. We kind of have a full bed, what with us and the two cats who snuggle up when it’s cold out.

    Post # 15
    Member
    561 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    We often (most of the time!) sleep in separate rooms and I LOVE IT!  He has to shake his legs and listen to music while he falls asleep, I need silence and stillness!  It works out perfectly for us, especially because my schedule is wacky with grad school.  We do everything else in the bed together though 😉  

    Post # 16
    Member
    4547 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    We don’t do it but we have some friends who do. It works for them!

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