(Closed) Living Together = End of Dating? (mini vent)

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1093 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Hmmmm…. if you’re asking for date nights and he breaks them by making other plans it I would start to wonder why? Is there some specific reason? Have you asked him why he does this? 

I wonder if he feels now that you’re living together he doesn’t have to “try” anymore. Like “I have the girl, I don’t need to try to win her”. I can understand what you mean in a sence. When I moved in with my husband (bf at the time) he slowly started to sit in the recliner instead of next to me on the love seat when we watched TV. It bothered me at first but I now realize he was uncomfortable (the love seat is not real comfy) and he made the effort for me. So when he’s in the recliner I do a “drive by”, sit on the arm of the chair and curl into his arms when I want a lil’ love!!!

I guess my best advise is to ask him why he does what he does.

Post # 4
Member
595 posts
Busy bee

Tell him how you’re feeling. This sounds like an easily solved problem, and you don’t want to let this fester.

Post # 5
Member
2158 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I feel that this is a common thing.  A similar thing happened when Fiance and I started living together.  I found we just had to actually make more of an effort to work on our relationship when we live together than when we were appart. When apart, you understand that you only see the other person at certain times of the week.  When living together, you take time for granted because you can see the other person whenever you want.  It’s just going to take some effort to figure out when you are going to have quality time.  A date night is somehting I’d really reccomend but if that’s too hard to work out at first, even things like sitting down to eat meals together, and stopping at night to ask about hte other person’s day, little acts will go a long way.

Post # 6
Member
775 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I’m in the same exact boat. I met my Fiance and about a week or 2 he moved in with me. Before we would go out on lots of dates and stuff, but money became tight and dates didn’t matter anymore. Now with the wedding going on we are even more tight on money so we hardly get ANY time together. This does tend to happen in relationships though. My one friend who was married told me that dating is a lot different from being married in living together. Because now dates aren’t required in a sense since you see each other every day. Anyway I would tell him how you feel. Set a specific day of the week and make that a date night and it has to be a priority. Whether it is just staying in the house watching movies, going bowling, mini golfing, to the movies, dinner, whatever. It does matter. 

Post # 7
Member
355 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’ve had this problem in the past with ex’s.  This time, I’m doing things different.  We eat dinner as a family every night.  We both help my son with his homework.  We subscribe to netflix, so we take turns picking the movie.  Which means we usually have 2 nights sometimes 3 nights a week where we have movie night after my son goes to bed with a big ol bowl of popcorn and a bottle of wine.  My parents also help me out greatly by taking my son for an overnight visit once a month so that we can have an actual date night which usually consists of dinner and dancing.  I don’t know if that helps, but maybe try planning a date night that can be delayed if need be, but don’t tell him about it.  Simply go up to him, grab him by the hand and say tonight your mine and you don’t have a say.

Post # 8
Member
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

That stinks!  I would talk to him.  A lot if times men are too dense to realize things like that.  Do you eat dinner together?  We usually do that and then just do whatever we’re doing (TV, computer, etc) in the same room so it feels like we’re doing it together even if we’re doing different things.

Post # 9
Member
3799 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

My Fiance and I have lived together since we were dating 5 months. Before that, we went out twice on weekends and did a lot of fun stuff together. Almost instantly after getting our apartment, we stopped going places as much and started spending a lot of time at home. Now that we have a house, we spend even more time there hanging out. I started getting frustrated because I thought living together does not have to equal no dates and no fun.

After a lot of resistence from him and long discussions about how we can’t just stop trying to do things together now that we live together, we started doing little things and that made it better. We now record several shows on the DVR during the week and each night we watch a little TV together and we started looking forward to that. We go out to eat every few weekends and get stuff for our house, or we grocery shop together and grab a snack. Of course we do things with friends and family…but I would say now, after a few years of working on this, we like spending time together at home. We do like our alone time, too.

Tell him that you might not be asking for big dates, like expensive, frequent dinners, but you are asking for the little things, like watching a DVD. Let him know how you feel. This is not an uncommon problem and a lot of us have been there! Living together is a huge adjustment!

Post # 10
Member
3943 posts
Honey bee

@soyjoy222: This exactly.

When we were dating and living together we went out ALL the time. It was wonderful!! Always going to new rerstaurants, going to the city, doing fun activites. And then when we moved in together, a lot of that stopped. Its been about 3 years since living together and we still have to make an effort. We plan date nights in advance, we have movie nights at home and make a big deal about them…stuff like that. Its tough because money is tighter now, with the wedding and a house, so we have to get a little creative with our dates and quality time. But it can happen 🙂

Post # 12
Member
5371 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014 - Ontario, Canada ♥ EDD- April 2016

@Bostongrl25: Exactly! We try to make a big deal out of movie nights (even if it’s a movie we own and have seen 3536464 times). We went out and bought our favourite childhood boardgames last year when there was a big sale and so sometimes we have game nights. We set aside one day a week to get out, either go on a walk, to a park, window shopping, etc. Just so that we don’t feel trapped. We hadn’t figured this all out when we first started living together and I just felt so frustrated and trapped and we fought all the time b/c it felt like we were so stuck. I totally know what you’re going through.

Our other favourite thing to do is have “sleepover parties”. We basically just buy some cheap candy from the corner store and watch our favourite tv shows until like 2 in the morning. We have pillow fights and talk. A lot. It’s really great and the best part is that you don’t get that feeling the next day when you just want alone time. I remember even with my best friends I couldn’t wait for them to go home the next day at noon. I have no idea if I’m the only one, but that’s how I knew SO was the person I was supposed to marry haha. He’s like the best friend I never had (:

Post # 13
Member
2463 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

i don’t even know how many times dh and i have had conversations about this over the 3 years we’ve lived together, which basically takes the form of “hey we’re a couple, not just roommates who sleep in the same bed, and we need to make time for that.” we both slip on this when we get busy or stressed, but i think it’s important to keep reiterating that we’re not just togehter bc it’s easy and convenient, there’s more than that, and actively working on building the relationship is super important. it sounds like you’re trying to talk about it with him, but he’s just not really listening to what you mean. maybe try saying it in different ways? like, not just, “i want to spend time with you,” but why you think it’s so important? i know when dh and i have convos like this and he really understands why we need to make time for us, he jumps on board

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