Living together or not before marriage, what was your experience?

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
  • poll: Pick one that describes your situation
    You lived together before marriage- You did find a dealbreaker from living together : (5 votes)
    5 %
    You lived together before marriage- You did not find a dealbreaker from living together : (70 votes)
    70 %
    You did not live together before marriage- You did find a dealbreaker once you moved in : (1 votes)
    1 %
    You did not live together before marriage- You did not find a dealbreaker once you moved in : (24 votes)
    24 %
  • Post # 31
    Member
    678 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2018

    We moved in together about halfway through our engagement. Up until that moment, we were varying levels of long distance, from several states away to a 2 hour drive away as I was mapping my career to be closer and closer to him.

    I would not have agreed to move in without a ring on my finger. You see it so often, even on WB, about two partners making a deal to move in (often at the compromise of ones values) with the promise of a ring and the ring just never comes.

    You can learn a lot about your partner and their marrying potential by keeping a safe distance while you both sort your ducks. How does he treat waitstaff? Is the inside of his car clean while his closet is a hot mess? Are there dishes everywhere? Is he always on his phone or watching TV? Are his friends a bunch of jerks?

    I would have been happy moving after marriage and enjoying all of the new, exciting bits of finally being united, but I’m grateful for how it worked out. We have a lot of habits that irk the other one and we are still working to iron those out. No deal breakers, but lots of little bumps in the road.

     

    Post # 32
    Member
    225 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2019

    peggy92 :  “I’d recommend letting your OH stay over at yours while you have the flu! Then you’ll see them too ill to hide any bad habits!”

    Omg, yes! I knew that my relationship with FH was headed in a good direction when, after about 5 months of dating, we both contracted norovirus or some kind of awful stomach bug where we had it coming out both ends for DAYS. It hit while I was staying overnight at his place, and by morning I was too weak and dehydrated to make the drive home, so I stayed there for two and a half days, both of us only leaving his bed to use the bathroom and to run to the store to get some soup.

    On day two, I was a wreck — hair all disheveled because I hadn’t brushed it in two days, leggings covered in hair from his cats, no makeup, very pale and sickly looking. And he looked over at me and said, “You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.” And I told him that surely he was delirious from dehydration. But he meant it. And after that, I knew that I didn’t have to worry about always looking nice for him, because he loved me no matter what. The illness brought us closer, oddly enough. 

    Post # 33
    Member
    483 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 2018

    Darling Husband and I did not live together before getting married, and because of religious/moral reasons we had never had a sleepover. We had been together around 3.5 years at that point.

    We’ve now been married for 8 months, and I haven’t found any deal breakers, it’s definitely been an experience learning about each other, but for the most part, we work together as a team and he’s open to criticism so I haven’t had an issue with him continuing a bad habit once I’ve brought it up. It’s all been minor things, like he doesn’t close the curtains properly, and sometimes he forgets to close the taps properly lol. I’ve also learned to be patient with him as my husband and his brother were brought up by their father because their mother passed away in ’97. 

    I’ve also learned that he likes things to be cleaned up straight away, so dishes etc need to be washed STRAIGHT after we eat, this isn’t a bad thing, but it’s been an adjustment for me because I like to relax a little in the evening, especially since I’m the one who comes home from work earlier and cleans and cooks, so when he gets home I just want to spend some time with him before cleaning up and getting ready for bed ☺️

    Post # 34
    Member
    9225 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 2010

    Dh and I did not live together, he wanted it, I didn’t.  But, by the time we got married, we had been together for seven years, so there were not a lot of surprises.

    I really did not want to get married to anybody, tbh. It’s really not how I roll. But, Dh started a new job with exceptionally good health insurance for a very reasonable premium. He convinced me that the only way to add me was to get married. We were in California, and I had my doubts about that.  Wouldn’t a domestic partnership work?

    But, no matter. I caved.

    As I said, no major surprises.  But, I will say that the parts of dh’s personality and character that grated on me prior to marriage eight years into it make me stark, raving mad.

    Any Bee who’s thinking that marriage will fix or shore up a mediocre or bad relationship, here’s your free Cher therapy:  Snap out of it!

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