Living together STRESS??

posted 10 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
144 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

What you’re going through is completely normal!! How stressful varies from couple to couple due to different factors. Being that you two are living in a very small apartment probably doesn’t help. It will probably take a month or two for things to fall into place. My Fiance and I have been living together for a year and a half and we still have our little moments, albeit it’s over little stuff, so no biggie.  But the main thing is to remember to talk about it, be open and try to laugh! I know I tend to get irritated if he doesn’t put dishes up where they belong and that’s when I have to step back and just laugh sometimes. Plus, the fact that you’re planning a wedding isn’t much of a stress relief either!! Good luck!!

Post # 4
Member
7081 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

My fiance moved in 4 months ago.  Aside from the little thing like, "Put that shit downstairs!" or "Why is this box still here?", we haven’t had a big adjustment period… but we are all individuals, and C and I tend to work well together in stressful situations.  We also had been long distance for 2 years, and putting up with a few boxes in a small space seemed a lot easier than being far from each other.

On the other hand, several years ago I had a long term Boyfriend or Best Friend move in, and it was clear in a week or two that he had to move out and we had to break up.  In that case, I was annoyed with every little thing he did.  I didn’t want to compromise on anything, and he seemed to be unable to tolerate any disagreement.

I guess what I’m saying is that things should equilibrate in a few days/weeks and if they don’t it should be clear to you if you are honest with yourself that it really doesn’t.

But to answer your question, there has to be an adjustment period and hopefully it will get better! 

Post # 5
Member
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I am going through the exact same thing as you! It will calm down soon, promise. We moved in together (into an apartment new to both of us) 1.5 months ago and our wedding is in 3.5 months. Even though I spent tons of time over at his place prior to moving in, it’s still different. I find myself saying "Well, when it was your place I didn’t bother with X [putting away dirty clothes and shoes, cleaning everything] because I didn’t want to impose on you, but now that it’s our place I feel differently." So there’s been a lot of negotiating of household tasks. Even as the stress of that has decreased considerably over the last 1.5 months, in other ways it’s being replaced by the impending wedding stress. I think things will be much more settled once the stress of the wedding is over.

To make things better, try to talk about your expectations of how things will be run, preferably when you’re not actively mad about it. Also make sure to carve out time for yourself (going out with your own friends), because sometimes taking a break from one another is the best medicine.

Post # 6
Member
1238 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

I moved into my fh’s 700 sqft studio condo in March 2007 — there was a "learning" curve.  It was made easier by him going away for the weekend and allowing me to "redesign" the closet and kitchen.  We also went through all of our stuff and got rid of what we could and put the rest in storage. 

Honestly, everyone told me how horrible it would be and about how we would start to fight and need our own space — but that never happened.  It has been over a year now and there has only been two times that I felt I needed to go for a walk or a drive to get more "space".  In fact, I think it was because of how comfortable we felt living together that he decided to propose!

Post # 7
Member
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Fiance and I first started living together about 2 years ago when I moved into his ~550 sqft apartment. We both put a lot of stuff in storage, because we knew it would only be temporary (about 6 months later we moved into a bigger space). The elbow room really helps – and having him also store some of his things helped us from feeling like I was "crowding him" or that I was "giving up" more than he was.

Since I had already been spending so much time at his place, it wasn’t a big adjustment. And we work together really well, so there weren’t arguments or tension. Plus, Fiance is a mature, clean man, so I didn’t need to "de-bachelor pad" the place or clean up after him. There probably would have been more stress about not having access to the items in storage if we didn’t know it would be temporary, but we never had issues with each other.

If you just moved, you’re both probably stressed. Moves are really stressful, plus wedding planning and anything else that may be going on in your life. You should give it a week or two; things should feel better once the boxes are all unpacked.

Post # 8
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2008 - A garden wedding followed by a tented reception on Mr. Hummingbird's father's property.

A little stress comes with the territory. When Mr. Hum moved into my 400 sq ft bachelor with me, it was the two of us and my cat under one roof during one of the hottest summers ever in a place with no openable windows! I thought it was going to be a nightmare, but really, we only got in one actual fight and that was because we were adjusting to each other’s sleep schedules. You are reconcilling two households so there will definitely be times when you do not agree but always keep in mind that you love each other and that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Good luck!

Post # 9
Member
65 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2009

It took a long time for FH and I to get used to living together.  After 4 years of cohabitation, sometimes we still get frustrated by each others’ different ideas of what "clean" means, etc, but things got a lot better when we moved into a bigger space.  And we learn to let the little stuff go.  It never has to be perfect, it just has to be worth it!  Some married couples live in separate states, some can’t be more than hand-holding distance from each other, and most of us fall in between, it just takes a little while to figure out what that ideal amount of space is.  Best of luck!

Post # 10
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I have a 2200 square foot house.  Fiance and his two kids moved in six weeks before the wedding, and frankly it was awful. Communication is really the key – I thought that we had discussed expectations ad nauseum, but apparently a couple more iterations were required – and remembering that you really can solve any problem that you both want to solve.  It’s not always easy.  It totally depends on how important you space is to you, how much of it you have, and how accustomed you are to having other people around.  I have always loved my nice, quiet house – which is not to say that I don’t play the stereo and have lots of people over sometimes, but it has always been a place where I could shut the door and everything was just the way I wanted it to be.

Although I did always know that I really wanted to marry him, there were a couple of times that I really thought "This is not going to work if things don’t change."  At least some of that was probably pre-wedding panic, but we did have a few discussions along those lines.  Luckily he is really understanding of the fact that it is a HUGE change for me, and a much smaller one for him.

It has been 7 weeks now, and it’s a lot better.  Although honestly, there are still times when I just want my house back.  I don’t want for there to be a person already in every room that I walk into. I don’t want to walk in the door after a long day at work, looking forward to some peace and quiet, and hear some stupid Cartoon Network show on the television.  And I’m sure they secretly long for the days when nobody cared if they left their dirty clothes on the floor or dirty dishes in the sink for days on end.

Probably the key is trying to figure out what is really causing the stress.  If you’re mostly stressed about wedding stuff, and that just makes everything else seem worse, that will definately get better.  If you really both need to adjust how you are used to living in order to get along, that obviously takes some communication and effort.  It’s also possible that part of the issue is that you moved into HIS apartment – so you don’t necessarily feel like any of the space is really yours.  Sometimes you just need to carve out your own space – a room, or part of a room – and get your stuff unpacked.  A lot of couples go and get an entirely new apartment, so that they start out on even footing as far as space ownership.

Anyway, for me, I now want to kick one or two of them out about once a week, as opposed to wanting to kick all of them out about every day.  So that’s definately better.  Although honestly, even though I knew this was going to be the hardest part, I had no idea how hard it was going to be.

Post # 11
Member
148 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2008

Ah yes, we moved in together after being engaged for 3 months… it was one of the hardest times in our relationship.  Luckily we had a good 9 months til the wedding, and with the help of therapy, we worked it out and now love living together.  It will get better, I promise!

Post # 12
Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

The reason they used to say the first year is the hardest…

 

  Is because  that’s when the couple moved in together.

 

  Today, many people already live with their fiance’s.  

 

    My fiance and I were not engaged when we moved into our apartment, it was the hardest year of my life.  It’s hard to adjust to people’s living styles, spending habits, ect… Also you can’t get away.  We fought like cats and dogs for the first year.  After that though, we found a balance and now we’re happy.  It takes awhile, just stick with it.  

Post # 14
Member
508 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

definitely normal!  my sweetie moved across the country to be with me and it was an adjustment moving into a new place together.  we worked through everything and overall, i’d say we learned how to operate more as a team as a result. 🙂

as others have mentioned, be clear & open in the communication, especially if space is tight.  figure out what is important to each of you and where you can be flexible.  look at the list of important stuff – where do you agree/need to compromise?  come up with a way to resolve conflicts or to let each other know when there is a problem.  it helps to get things out in the open before they beocme hot button issues.

 

good luck! 

Post # 15
Member
323 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Totally normal.

Gets amplified if your place is small (1 bedroom or studio)

This is where you see the others idiosyncracies (sp?). In the beginning the details and his LACK OF ATTENTION TO THEM would drive me apeshit. Like putting the ketchup randomly in the fridge instead of on the condiment shelf, leaving cracked egg shells out after cooking, toilet seat mess…. just little dumb stuff that really doesn’t matter but that you realize YOU have a certain way of doing things.

The best thing (that I’m still working on daily because I’m neurotic) is to just let go and realize it’s an adjusting period. Communication is key. Also, get out of the house when its starting to suffocate you. 

Post # 16
Member
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Definitely normal. But it’s important to be able to sit down with him now (before the stress and the fights escalate) and discuss each of your expectations. You’d do this with any other person you’d enter a new living situation with and you should definitely do it with — after all, he’ll be your roommate forever ;).

As for me and my Fiance, it’s really just been reconciling small things, like cleaning/cooking expectations, and learning and accepting each other’s schedules…for example, I’m a late sleeper, he’s not, when he comes home from work, he considers that time his own (meaning, he’d prefer to just play games until he needs to go to bed), but since i don’t see him til then, I want some of that time to be just us, no computers, etc. Luckily for us, we have pretty compatiable personalities for living together and we’re very respectful of giving each other space and room to breathe in our 700 sq ft apartment. 

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