(Closed) Living with parents until marriage?

posted 4 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 2
Member
4239 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I don’t fully understand the whole living at home thing, but it feels like it isn’t healthy.  I am a firm believer that people need to live on their own before living with a SO/husband.  You grow up so much when you live on your own.  Not to mention the independence you gain.  That is really important.

Post # 3
Member
4007 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I lived at home after college for a couple of years for financial reasons. I did have my time away during college, so I didn’t feel like I missed out on anything. Again, my reasons weren’t really cultural though. 

Post # 4
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee

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ljm308 :  It really is a cultural thing and the differences in culture. You mention that you “gain independence” but I know collectivistic cultures don’t focus on independence. The whole culture is circled around depending on one another and helping each other out. It is also in these cultures that the parent will always be “the parent” and even after the child grows up, they’re not seen as an “equal”.

I’m not agreeing or disagreeing with you about if it’s healthy. Just thought I’d give my two cents why I think this happens…

Post # 5
Member
2876 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

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fredthebasil :  I think a lot of it does depend on your culture.  A good friend of mine is indian and she caused holy hell with her family when she moved out when she was 22 after finishing college.  Her older sister got married at 25 and lived with their parents until marriage (which was a semi-arranged marriage anyway).  My friend made things worse with her family when she actually moved in with her now husband (when they were just dating).  But she is first generation American and her grandparents live with her parents.

Fortunately, her family has come around but when this was happening it was very stressful for her because her parents were more traditional and saw her moving out as abandoning her family.  It was expected that the women live at home until they got married.

I’m not generalizing, just stating what I saw with my friend.  I do think it is really healthy to live on your own before getting married.

Post # 6
Member
4239 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

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hermionepadme :  I agree with that.  I’m mostly referring to having seen people who live with their SO’s or spouses straight out of their parents house and the majority of the people I know are literally the most dependent people I know.  Cultures of course are not going to change overnight, if at all, but it is valuable to be independent in modern society.

Post # 7
Member
2876 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

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hermionepadme :  I agree with this too as this is what I saw with my friend.  Even though she’s an adult, her parents don’t really treat her like one and there is always this air of parental authority around them.  You also see it with how the parents act with her grandparents – the elders definitely run the house in her family.

Post # 8
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I got married in October and up until a week before our wedding I lived at home. I’m 28. I am really close to my family though and looking back now I will cherish those last few weeks I had at home with them. Getting married and moving in with my DH has been a new and exciting chapter in my life! I heard horror stories about not living with your SO first but hey it’s working for us. He’s the best roommate ever. 

 

ETA: I live in Southern California and living on my own would have been impossible financially. I also went to a local community college so I commuted from home. 

 

also ETA: that I read this wrong HAHA and so ignore my answer. It wasn’t a cultural thing but more of a religious thing. DH and I are both Christian & wanted to wait til marriage to live together. 

Post # 9
Member
7518 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I totally agree with 

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hermionepadme. American culture values independence and individualism above everything else, so of course we’re going to think cultures where it’s expected that you live at home with your parents til you’re married are insane. But for cultures that value the family and the collective more, the American way is what seems unhinged and depraved.

I imagine it must be extremely challenging to be raised in a culture that prioritizes family duty above all else, while growing up in America. Talk about conflicting messages!

Post # 11
Member
15203 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I am Chinese and it’s the norm in our culture to live at home if you are working in the area until married (or you have enough money to buy a place).  All my Chinese friends that I know of here did this, other than the ones that got a job that was too far to live at home.  I think part of the reason here too is that decent homes in a decent place are 500k+ so living at home was basically the only way to save up and own a house.  I know of some Caucasins that lived at home for 3-5 years to save up for a house too here.  You guys think it’s not “healthy”, and I think it’s financially stupid and pointless to throw away 1-2k rent a month just to live 10-15 minutes away from where one could live for practically free (cause parents dont ask for and wont accept “rent” or any payment since the purpose is for you to save money) for the sake of so called independance.  We’re just raised very differently.

Post # 12
Member
3898 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

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fredthebasil :  Im of Russian/Ukrainian backgound. It was something widely practised for a long time but it’s not as wide spread as it used to be, especially in cities. Nowadays it’s what you can afford really. And the expart Russian/Ukranian community, most of the time it’s also what you can afford.  But the persisting tradition that you owe your parents for ever is still very prevalent and in my opinion unhealthy. Children should not be look at as a financial investment. But it is still something a lot of the parents expect.

Post # 13
Member
7518 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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pinkshoes :  But see the difference IS independence. Moving away from your parents’ may not be the most fiscally prudent choice, but it allows you to stand on your own two feet. Pay your own bills, live your life as an autonomous adult. For most Americans, the lessons you learn from living independently far outweigh the value of saving money by continuing to live at home under your parents’ roof and rules. It’s just a difference in values and priorities. I’m not saying one culture’s value system is inherently better than the other.

Post # 14
Member
6393 posts
Bee Keeper

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fredthebasil :  I moved out of my mom’s house when I was 18 and never looked back. 7 years later happier than ever. 

Post # 15
Member
3324 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Id rather shoot myself in the face, but apparently some people do it haha.

My FIs culture is sort of indian (they are from india somewhere along the lines). His parents arent too particular, but his brother and his wife (then gf) were dating for like 10-12 years before getting married. He bought a house, and she was already living there, but ‘officially’ moved in after the wedding. Her parents were in denial about them living together.

In Sikh weddings theres a ceremony (i cant remember the name) but its nickname is ‘the crying ceremony’. Its basically when the daughter leaves the parents home, they throw milk on her and everyone cries. So its definitely still a ‘thing’ in other cultures, no matter the age. However, you also have to consider that most of these cultures have their parents living with them. So you live with your parents until you get married, then have kids, then your parents move in with you.

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