(Closed) Living with the inlaws and financially supporting them

posted 5 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Elizabeth01:  I am so sorry to read this.  It breaks my heart really.  Are you of a certain culture that expects this kind of live-in relationship?  It does not sound normal or OK at all to me.  Does your husband know how you feel?

Post # 4
Member
4687 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

You were focusing on “your love and your wedding” and didn’t realize your hubby moved you in with your inlaws???? It sounds like a terrible situation (I went on a 3 day vacation with my inlaws and could not handle them, so I FEEL YOUR PAIN) but you are a big girl and are going to have to be brutally honest with your DH and get yourself out of the situation!! If he loves you he will compromise.

Post # 5
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I’m kind of shocked, it sounds like the inlaws decided this and you didn’t fight it?

No way should they be making big choices like that. No way should not be able to shop or cook dinner when you want, esp if they are living rent free.

I think major talks about money are really in need with you and your husband.

How old are his parents, do they work, having savings? I wouldn’t leave my parents starving or homeless, however my help would come with conditions and after talking to my Fi. This sounds stressful.

Post # 6
Member
4712 posts
Honey bee

Where exactly was your say in all this? You’re a grown woman. A grown AND married woman. You should’ve had a say in where you and your hubby live. 

Have you said anything at all to him about this?

Post # 7
Member
1766 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

This is a situation for your DH to resolve.  It’s too bad that your in-laws are upset that the two of you plan to get your own place, but honestly, what can they do?  You are grown-up individuals.  Sure, they can guilt trip your DH, but it’s up to him whether that works or not.

The key question is, do you think they will let you go when your FIL gets his disability?  What if he doesn’t get it? Do they plan to keep living on your income?  I’m really very sorry they hit hard times, but they should not put the weight of that on your shoulders. That is just not fair. You two are starting your own life right now. What if they decide they actually like the current living arrangement and give you hell if you want to move out once the money issue is solved?

My parents had planned for me and my future family to live with them from when I was 7 years old and they built a two-family house.  This wasn’t so much planned for financial reasons, but more to fulfill their personal needs; entertainment when they retire (grandkids) and help around the house (hubby and me).  My mom had this romantic dream of several generations living under the same roof. She didn’t even want me to go to university because that would delay me giving her grandchildren. I spent the greater part of my late teens/early twens making it clear that this wasn’t what I wanted.  Guilt tripping was their main course of action, too.  From how ungrateful I was after all they did for me to “you cause us so much grief and stress, it will probably make us ill and kill us”, I got the whole range.

I am now in my mid-thirties, with a graduate level degree, married, with a baby on the way.   I live on a different continent than my parents.  We now get along well.  They visit once or twice a year. It was hard for both sides to get to this point, but they eventually got over it.

Your DH has to make it absolutely clear to your in-laws that your living arrangement is, and has to be, temporary.  Keep planning your future together (that does not include living with the in-laws). Move out as soon as you can. This situation is not good for your marriage. Your in-laws should want their son to be happy.  If they don’t, then there is no reason that YOU should feel obligated to make THEM happy.

Post # 8
Member
1249 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

Hmm, I have a completely different perspective.  My parents have lived with my grandparents for almost 12 years – and my mom and I lived with them before my parents married.  I’ve always expected that when my grandparents die, my parents will most likely come live with DH and me.  It’s a cultural thing for us – we don’t put family in nursing homes.  My dad has a condition where his feet are almost completely numb, and the nerve damage travels progressively higher.  In all honesty, he won’t be able to care for himself in 10 years. 

So I guess it will be very different from your situation, because my parents will be moving in with me.  It will be MY house, and I will take care of my mother.  She won’t be expected to do housework or cooking – she is taking care of her mother now, and it will be time for her to relax. 

I think that you should sit down with your DH and figure out how much longer you will be living there – 6 months?  A year?  It sounds like you are upset because you don’t get to cook much.  A good idea might be to get a second fridge and put it in the garage.  You can then buy food for your breakfasts, lunches, and negotiate to three dinners a week that YOU plan and shop for.  How much space do you have in the house?  If it is just the bedroom, can you get a second bedroom for a living area for you guys? 

Hopefully this works out, and keep us updated!

Post # 9
Member
575 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Whoa! I assume you guys moved into your IL’s place to support them? This sounds very tough, especially if this came out of nowhere!! You will have to have a frank discussion with your DH and like PP have said, make a plan to move out by a certain date. This doesn’t sound like it is working at all!!!

Post # 10
Member
453 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Although multi-generational households can work wonderfully, it really helps if every family “unit” has their own private space. The situation that you are enduring right now would drive me nuts.

If some kind of compromise could be had, it might look like finding another place for all of you – one in which your living quarters are divided yet close. You need to be able to have your own kitchen, do your own shopping, etc.

How old are the in-laws? Do they not get Social Security? You mentioned something about your father-in-laws SS having to be “approved” – but is that normal? Don’t you just decide, after age 62, when you want to start receiving it and that’s that? The disability piece could take a long time, but if they are not having to pay a mortgage or rent, Social Security should be enough to cover their basic necessities.

You say your two are supporting them, but your living in their house? Not sure I understand how that works . . .

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