Post # 1
After googling living with inlaws, etc to see how people do it, everybody’s situations are different. Yes I may be able to relate but I thought it couldn’t hurt to begin my own thread. Get my frustrations out. Maybe one of you readers may have some encouraging words.
my husband and i have now been married for a year. we had a beautiful wedding and a wonderful honeymoon. I didn’t think about what was going to happen next week, or most of all living with the inlaws when we got back to reality. When we got engaged, my husband would ask me, “what kind of place would you like to live in? Townhome? Apartment?, etc etc. the excitement of discussing our future together was beyond all. All kinds of organising and just planning out an idea. We had 8 months still the wedding. Now all of a sudden, inlaws basically set it all up that we will be living with them. At the time it went over my head, it was just oh ok uhh…my mind wasn’t even there half the time, just focusing on my love and my wedding.
So now a year later….it’s really tough… Somedays I just can’t bare the thought showing my face but then again I’m a pretty good actor. My husband works full time, almost 24/7 with all his oncall work. He supports them financially. We hardly get to do things together because there’s no money left. Although I do cherish our moments together no matter where it is that you don’t have to go anywhere but being that aware in this situation, it sure would be nice to get away for the weekend, go to a movie, things like that. I love to cook and I LOOVE to bake but its almost a luxury.. Sure, I get to make dinner mon and Tuesday, but its according to motherinlaws food list and ingredients in the house. I don’t get to do the grocery shopping. I don’t feel wife-material. I feel like a child. Or a gf that moved in with the bfs family or something like that.. I could sau so many other things but I really do respect them, they are good people but I just can’t handle living here. It makes my eyes water thinking about everything and wanting to branch out, move on and begin our journey as a true husband and wife. create myself as a wife, build my nest. Everyone around me have their own lives, etc but we live with the parents with no future. Or until fatherinlaws disability goes through which who know when that will be…… We tried to move on and out to bigger and better things, job opportunities to be able to support them better as well as ourselves! Sounds like an awesome idea right? Well it created a blow up when my husband broke it to them that we were moving out….and what our plans were. Their wishes are to wait till fatherinlaw gets his social security and disabillity approved.
all our wedding gifts just sit in a storage unit, things in boxes at the house, no where to set my things up, create my space, be who i am, being walked in on.. I always wonder when it’ll come to an end. Oh and i am away from my family and freiends too, so its not like i have my mom or my sister or close friends. i have sisterinlaws but they are busy with their kids and now being pregnant. i dont really have any friends here. im always looking for job opportunities and occupy myself and free my mind of all my worries but the economy isn’t at it’s best. I feel like my situation is one of a kind and people won’t understand but if anyone lives with their inlaws, how do they cope?
Post # 3
@Elizabeth01: I am so sorry to read this. It breaks my heart really. Are you of a certain culture that expects this kind of live-in relationship? It does not sound normal or OK at all to me. Does your husband know how you feel?
Post # 4
- Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY
You were focusing on “your love and your wedding” and didn’t realize your hubby moved you in with your inlaws???? It sounds like a terrible situation (I went on a 3 day vacation with my inlaws and could not handle them, so I FEEL YOUR PAIN) but you are a big girl and are going to have to be brutally honest with your DH and get yourself out of the situation!! If he loves you he will compromise.
Post # 5
I’m kind of shocked, it sounds like the inlaws decided this and you didn’t fight it?
No way should they be making big choices like that. No way should not be able to shop or cook dinner when you want, esp if they are living rent free.
I think major talks about money are really in need with you and your husband.
How old are his parents, do they work, having savings? I wouldn’t leave my parents starving or homeless, however my help would come with conditions and after talking to my Fi. This sounds stressful.
Post # 6
Where exactly was your say in all this? You’re a grown woman. A grown AND married woman. You should’ve had a say in where you and your hubby live.
Have you said anything at all to him about this?
Post # 7
This is a situation for your DH to resolve. It’s too bad that your in-laws are upset that the two of you plan to get your own place, but honestly, what can they do? You are grown-up individuals. Sure, they can guilt trip your DH, but it’s up to him whether that works or not.
The key question is, do you think they will let you go when your FIL gets his disability? What if he doesn’t get it? Do they plan to keep living on your income? I’m really very sorry they hit hard times, but they should not put the weight of that on your shoulders. That is just not fair. You two are starting your own life right now. What if they decide they actually like the current living arrangement and give you hell if you want to move out once the money issue is solved?
My parents had planned for me and my future family to live with them from when I was 7 years old and they built a two-family house. This wasn’t so much planned for financial reasons, but more to fulfill their personal needs; entertainment when they retire (grandkids) and help around the house (hubby and me). My mom had this romantic dream of several generations living under the same roof. She didn’t even want me to go to university because that would delay me giving her grandchildren. I spent the greater part of my late teens/early twens making it clear that this wasn’t what I wanted. Guilt tripping was their main course of action, too. From how ungrateful I was after all they did for me to “you cause us so much grief and stress, it will probably make us ill and kill us”, I got the whole range.
I am now in my mid-thirties, with a graduate level degree, married, with a baby on the way. I live on a different continent than my parents. We now get along well. They visit once or twice a year. It was hard for both sides to get to this point, but they eventually got over it.
Your DH has to make it absolutely clear to your in-laws that your living arrangement is, and has to be, temporary. Keep planning your future together (that does not include living with the in-laws). Move out as soon as you can. This situation is not good for your marriage. Your in-laws should want their son to be happy. If they don’t, then there is no reason that YOU should feel obligated to make THEM happy.
Post # 8
Hmm, I have a completely different perspective. My parents have lived with my grandparents for almost 12 years – and my mom and I lived with them before my parents married. I’ve always expected that when my grandparents die, my parents will most likely come live with DH and me. It’s a cultural thing for us – we don’t put family in nursing homes. My dad has a condition where his feet are almost completely numb, and the nerve damage travels progressively higher. In all honesty, he won’t be able to care for himself in 10 years.
So I guess it will be very different from your situation, because my parents will be moving in with me. It will be MY house, and I will take care of my mother. She won’t be expected to do housework or cooking – she is taking care of her mother now, and it will be time for her to relax.
I think that you should sit down with your DH and figure out how much longer you will be living there – 6 months? A year? It sounds like you are upset because you don’t get to cook much. A good idea might be to get a second fridge and put it in the garage. You can then buy food for your breakfasts, lunches, and negotiate to three dinners a week that YOU plan and shop for. How much space do you have in the house? If it is just the bedroom, can you get a second bedroom for a living area for you guys?
Hopefully this works out, and keep us updated!
Post # 9
Whoa! I assume you guys moved into your IL’s place to support them? This sounds very tough, especially if this came out of nowhere!! You will have to have a frank discussion with your DH and like PP have said, make a plan to move out by a certain date. This doesn’t sound like it is working at all!!!
Post # 10
Although multi-generational households can work wonderfully, it really helps if every family “unit” has their own private space. The situation that you are enduring right now would drive me nuts.
If some kind of compromise could be had, it might look like finding another place for all of you – one in which your living quarters are divided yet close. You need to be able to have your own kitchen, do your own shopping, etc.
How old are the in-laws? Do they not get Social Security? You mentioned something about your father-in-laws SS having to be “approved” – but is that normal? Don’t you just decide, after age 62, when you want to start receiving it and that’s that? The disability piece could take a long time, but if they are not having to pay a mortgage or rent, Social Security should be enough to cover their basic necessities.
You say your two are supporting them, but your living in their house? Not sure I understand how that works . . .