(Closed) Livng together before the wedding

posted 9 years ago in Traditions
  • poll: How do you feel about living together before the wedding?

    Save it for after the wedding

    It's necessary

    It's a sin

    It doesn't matter

    It helps you get to know each other better

    Other

  • Post # 138
    Member
    1133 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    I’m one who doesn’t really care either way.  Sure, I think it’s great, but I also think you should know someone well enough already (like their habits) before marrying them. Granted, you will still probably find things you don’t like or know about them regardless.

    SO and I are going to wait at least til we’re engaged to move in together, and most likely til closer to the wedding. If I had to pick, I would personally prefere to move in together a few months before the wedding, that way to save money (we both still live at home, and our parents are great enough not to charge rent), but also not have to stress about doing that as well after getting married.  I’d want to enjoy newlywed status, not have to wake up and pack boxes to move.

    Post # 139
    Member
    100 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    I am waiting to live with my fiance until we are married. I believe that God has given me him as my husband. I have faith that God will be with us as we move in with eachother after marriage. By having faith in God and a Christ centered relationship, our life together after we move in will be more at ease. God will be with us through any disagreements that we will have.

    Post # 140
    Member
    1274 posts
    Bumble bee

    I really think it depends on you and the relationship you guys have and want to have before the wedding. 

    Personally I don’t bat an eyelash at couples living together before they are engaged and/or married. No one in my family did it before me, but times have definitely changed.  I do however encourage people to live on their own before they live with someone else, whether this be with a roommate or completely by yourself. I think it helps to give you a sense of “I can do it” and it takes away a lot of the issues couples might face when they first move in together. Financials, paying rent on time, groceries, etc. You know, all that necessary stuff..lol

    My Fiance and I moved in with each other really quickly, about 5 months in. I was finishing university and found a job in the city and he was already living there, so it was convenient. It was great for the first few months but by about 6 or 7 months we were arguing a lot and still not used to each other’s habits and just took things too fast. Fast forward to about 6 months later we decided at this point we were ready to live together again and found an apartment and moved in. That was 3.5 years ago and things have just gotten better since then! Clearly, since we’re getting married now 🙂

    Post # 141
    Member
    524 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    I honestly lived with Fiance before we got engaged, so I have no problems whatsoever with living together before marriage.  My Mother actually said that she thinks it’s a good idea, because then you find out a lot more about a person and their little quirks (and if you can deal with them).

     

    I certainly didn’t know that Fiance likes to disrobe anywhere and everywhere in the house and leave his clothes there, until we moved in together.

    Post # 142
    Member
    2779 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    Most couples these days live together before getting married. Me and my Fi currently live separately, but we are moving in together in a couple months, he knew I didn’t want to do the move-in until after we were engaged, he understood. I think that if you and you Fiance are honest with eachother throughout the relationship, then you won’t get any big surprises when you do move in together. Also if you can travel together, me and my Fiance just got back from a 2 week roadtrip across country, which is when he proposed, but the main thing is we didn’t tear eachothers heads off at every turn, yes in that close quarters you’re bound to argue, but no major fighting. For us we know thats a good indication of how living together will be. Many couples that live together before marriage, do it for the wrong reasons, and there was recently noticed a correlation between divorce and couples that lived together before engagement and marriage, the divorce rate is higher if you live together before engagement because many people tend to just ignore issues that would normally be deal breakers once they are already living together.

    I can’t imagine having the wedding then having to worry about moving afterwards, or worse- moving your stuff in the midst of the impending big day, when all tends to be chaotic.

    I wanted to add, I think sex before marriage is very iomportant, you have to know you’re compatible sexually. Not every man and women is this world can physically have sex, there are people out there that just don’t work for it, let alone factoring sex drive, which is a huge deal.One person may think they are ok with getting it less often then there body desires it…it will only lead to problems. Then there are all the fetishes out there, you need to know ahead of time if your Fiance is into hardcore S&M, and you aren’t.

    Post # 143
    Member
    28 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: November 2016

    We lived together shortly after getting together and 3 years before getting engaged for practicality reasons. In a big city with high living/rent costs, it was pointless for both of us to be renting a place by ourselves and paying bills/utilities when we could live together and split the costs between us. It also gaves us more money to be able to do things together since splitting living costs freed up more money and it was good for our relationship. We got to do a lot of things we wouldn’t have been able to afford if we were both living alone. 

    Post # 144
    Member
    1667 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    I have lived alone, and with roommates, but never with a SO until my current one (we are moving in together next year) – but we have already discussed when we are going to get married/have kids/get engaged etc.

    I voted that it was necessary – I actually don’t care if people do it or not, its up to you and what is right for your relationship, but its necessary for us – we are in Manhattan and I own my place, we need to move in together to start building our lives together ASAP. We are ready to take that step and don’t want to wait until we are engaged or married – those things are coming but not for another year or two!

    I’ll be honest, if we weren’t talking marriage, I wouldn’t be moving in with him.

    Post # 145
    Member
    150 posts
    Blushing bee

    i understand living together before marriage, but i would never BUY PROPERTY (a house) with a boyfriend. to me that is an after-marriage thing. what if you break up? then it’s even messier.

    as it is, it would be an incredible mess if SO and I were to break up, and we just live together (and have purchased a few pieces of furniture, plus 2 cats).

    i know that even after you’re married, nothing is a guarentee, but i feel that buying property is a huge thing that should not be undertaken lightly. it costs a lot of money (commission to a realtor, paying for loan origination, etc) to buy (and sell) a house that i feel it should be held for after marriage.

    buying a house on your own (even if you have a BF/FI, but paying for it alone), on the other hand is a great investment.

    Post # 146
    Member
    60 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: January 2012

    I’ve been living with my fiancee for 1.5 years. We started living together after we were dating 2 1/2 years. I do think it’s necessary. Yes, I’d seen his lack of interest in cleaning before we moved in together. But when that became my responsibility, perspectives DID change. It’s kind of like reading about war in school. You have no idea what war REALLY is until you’re seeing it firsthand. That’s my view about living together – to know what you’re getting into, I think it’s really important.

    Living together outside of marriage SHOULD be a temporary state if you’re on the way to marriage. But it’s an important temporary step, IMO. The first few months that we lived together were a tough adjustment. I’ll admit to returning to my parents’ place for a visit about a month in, and considering if I should ask if I could move back home again.

     

    I was the first person besides his family he had ever lived with, and it was the same for me. He had been living on his own for a few years and had adjusted to having complete say and authority over his own domain, and giving up some of that power was rough on him at first.

     

    I’m very happy that on the day we get married, I don’t have to deal with an adjustment period. I feel like relationships should progress in order of seriousness: living with someone temporarily should come, ideally, before marrying someone and making that choice permanently.

    To me, marrying first just seems like throwing yourself in butt backward mostly just to have the ‘romance’ of moving in after the marriage, without any practicality about it (yes, I know that religious beliefs are at play here too. I’m not personally judging you, but I am providing my reasoning for why I’d never do it).

    Living together first made me a lot more comfortable with getting married. I know what I’m getting into. And…I can say that among the couples I know, the ones who lived together first tend to be among the happiest. There is sometimes a trend toward getting married just because they’re already living together, but it appears to me most of the time that cohabiting couples choose to get married because they know they’ve picked the right partner and it works.

    Not to say that happy couples don’t come out of the living-together-last trend, but it often looks like far fewer do from my perspective. I’ve seen the “this is not what I expected…” look on new brides’ faces. It’s a lot of pressure all at once with getting married that way: getting married, moving away from home, moving in with a person you’ve never lived with before on the hopes it will last forever…

    I Just don’t believe it’s true that ‘people who live together first give in the towel more easily in their relationships.’ I chose to live with someone first, and then marry, because the prospect of getting divorce is something I very much want to avoid. It’s far better to break-up with a boyfriend than to divorce a husband.

    I don’t think it’s a good idea to walk into marriage suspecting the absolute worst around every corner, but I think it’s equally foolish not to take any precaution whatsoever.

     

    Post # 147
    Member
    3 posts
    Wannabee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    My fiance and I moved in together just under a year before we even got engaged. We’d been together for over 3 years, and he moved with me after my most recent military transfer. I think that it’s a good time for learning HOW to live with somebody. Because even though we had been together a few years, it still took getting used to the routine of having someone there ALL the time! I was stationed in NJ and CA before we move in together, and both times, I lived alone with the exception of a few roommates for short periods of time. I’m glad we’ve been living together because we’ve grown as a couple, and we’ve learned how to share responsibilities. I think it’s important to be able to divide things financially and know you can both survive that way before taking the big leap! Either way you and your fiance work it out, congrats and best wishes! Smile

    Post # 148
    Member
    701 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    I am in favor of living together before engagement and marriage. I would never purchase a car without driving it first, why would I legally bind myself to someone I had never lived with before? People have different living styles and I think that you can get a sense of how someone is if you stay at their house often, but you don’t see the every day nitty gritty unless you live together (chores, habits, financial etc).

    Secondly, I cannot imagine trying to get wedding stuff done with someone that didn’t live with me.

    Thirdly I cannot imagine trying to throw a wedding, while also having my life turned upside down by also looking for a new place to live and having to pack and move all my stuff. Sounds horrible.

    Post # 149
    Member
    1471 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    We didn’t because we had not opportunity, but I don’t think it’s wrong. When we lived in the same city, our workplaces were far enough away that there wasn’t a place we coupld both live and have a reasonable commute (time and price wise – there was a mountain between us).

     

    Now he has moved back home to the US (I’m from New Zealand, he’s American, we met living in Japan, where I still am), so we obviously don’t live together. I am REALLY looking forward to getting our first place together!

    Post # 150
    Member
    881 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    We moved in together before we got engaged.  As it turns out, he proposed after 3-4 months of living together.  But I didn’t know that would happen when we made the decision to move in.  I really think it depends on your situation.  We had gotten to the point in our relationship that one of us was sleeping over at the other person’s place every night, we took turns.  It was such a hassle having to bring clothes to wear to work the next day not to mention the waste of money as we both owened our own place.  We decided to move in together because it made sense logistically and financially.  Basically, we each wanted to spend as much time as possible with the other person.  Living together was the best way to do that.  It has been amazing since, best decision I ever made!  Aside from accepting the proposal of course 😛   

    Post # 151
    Member
    8467 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2012

    I know a few couples who lived together before they got married; and when I ask how’s married life their answer always is “oh it’s the same.”

    So in my opinion, living together takes away from that “marriage experience.”  In my culture, women usually don’t move out until they get married.  But that’s not why I did it.  I couldn’t leave my mom!  She’s my best friend!  ( Well 2nd now to my husband lol)

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