(Closed) Livng together before the wedding

posted 9 years ago in Traditions
  • poll: How do you feel about living together before the wedding?

    Save it for after the wedding

    It's necessary

    It's a sin

    It doesn't matter

    It helps you get to know each other better

    Other

  • Post # 62
    Member
    5145 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: January 2010

    View original reply
    @ThingsThatShine:  Well good thing we did not give one damn if others thought we were virgins or not (and we certainly were not, we both had plenty of sexual experience in previous relationships by the time we met!). We were 30 and 34 when we married and had long, long, long ago left the nest. We had long outgrown needing “approval” by others (family or not) and certainly were not at all concerned with maintaining an “illusion” of being virgins. Neither of us places that much importance on virginity in who we are as people, and are more concerned with our relationship with each other than what OTHERS think about our relationship. If others thing that is “slutty” or “distasteful” that says a lot about them, in my opinion.

    Also, I actually DO know people who live together and chose not to have sex until they married.

    Post # 63
    Member
    1577 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I’m French Canadian, where living together is the norm. So much so, that when my Mom and Dad announced they were getting married at 20, my grandparents were horrified. Apparently they kept asking why couldn’t my parents just live together.

     So while I understand it’s not that way for everyone, it is important to me: both from a cultural standpoint, as well as my personal perspective.

    Post # 64
    Member
    2594 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    You do whatever’s right for you.

    To be very honest about the whole thing, DH and I did everything more according to practicality. So we lived together for 6 years before we got married–and we lived together mostly because we lived in NYC and believe me when I tell you, if you can have dual-income for rent, you go for it in Manhattan! We got married in part because I needed healthcare.

    Don’t get me wrong–I love my DH to pieces and we were going to get married eventually. The healthcare thing just dictated we’d exchange rings in 2010, as opposed to last year or this year.

    But that’s me and DH–we’re people who often need the “push” of practicality to make certain decisions. I’m sure it sounds unromantic to some, but it felt natural and right for us. If it feels right to you to wait until marriage to live together, then do your thing! 🙂

    PS–I do feel compelled to tell you that the first year of us living together was rough, and it oftentimes (not always) is rough for couples, married or not. But you’ll adjust.

    Post # 65
    Member
    383 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    Fiance and I actually moved our wedding back four months (we decided in April to get married in May) because he found out he had to move out of his rental.

    For me, I want that magical moment of coming home together for the first time, and I want us to be married when we do it.

    Some of my family thinks we’re absolutely insane (we also went from a 500 person guest list…who are still invited to a reception in September as planned…to a 50 person guest list) but half of them appreciated the example we’re setting for their children.

    I brought it up to Fiance, and he said he’d do whatever would make me happy.

    We were more than ready to get married anyway!

    Post # 66
    Member
    501 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    I wouldn’t marry someone without living with them for at least a year first. It’s a rule I have always had for myself.

    Post # 68
    Member
    826 posts
    Busy bee

    View original reply
    @AB Bride:  Everyone I know would assume that if you’re living together, you must be having sex (unless the couple explicitly stated that they’re not).  My family assumes that if a couple even sleeps in the same bed (like on vacation or during an overnight stay), then they must be having sex…when my fiance sleeps over at my house, he has to stay in the guest room by himself.

     

    View original reply
    @RayKay:  Around here, people often don’t “leave the nest” until they’re married…again, partly due to traditional families and maintaining the appearance of virginity.  If you have old-fashioned parents, you don’t want to prove that you’re having premarital sex.  You also don’t want your other relatives thinking that your parents didn’t raise you right.  

    Post # 69
    Member
    2413 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    Fiance and I both strongly believed in living together before marriage. In fact, Fiance said he wouldn’t propose unless we lived today.

    There were a lot of kinks we needed to work out when we moved in together. It’s still a work in progress, however, I feel as if we know each other better and will get our marriage off to a better start (for several reasons) for having lived together.

    It’s not for everyone but it works well for us.

    Post # 70
    Member
    4192 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

    I didn’t want to live together until he put a ring on it- I own my house, and he rents. I had a roommate until last month, and FI’s lease expires 2 weeks after the wedding, so he’s not moving in until after the wedding. It just worked out that way- if we’d booked our wedding in October instead, he would have moved in after his lease ends.

    Obviously they’ll be adjustments- luckily we know a lot of the living-with-someone-else pet peeves, from our roommates. We’re very good at communicating with each other, and we’re going to figure out household responsibilities, and adjust as needed.

    I’m 40, he’s 33. I’ve dealt with the “breakup and you have to kick him out” before, which is why I didn’t want to live together until we were engaged. Now that we’re so close to the wedding, I’m enjoying these last two months of living by myself!

    Post # 71
    Member
    10627 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: January 2011

    View original reply
    @ThingsThatShine:  It sounds like people there need to focus more on their own sex lives instead of that of other mature adults!

    Post # 72
    Member
    152 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    To each their own. I have been living with my Fiance for a year now and we aren’t getting married until May 2013. I’m glad that we decided to do this because then there are no surprises after saying “I do.” I’m just more comfortable knowing what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life before tying the knot. But everyone is different 🙂

    Post # 73
    Member
    1676 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    Living together before marriage was a must for me. We ended up moving in together shortly before engagement, and that was the best choice for us. We found out that we truly were compatible and realized that we enjoyed living together. It could have easily gone the other way, and we could have been miserable living together. This happens for some couples, and, if they’re already married, they’re virtually stuck. Of course they could split, but it would be much more difficult than if they had found out before tying the knot. I always wondered about couples who found out they weren’t happy living together after marriage, and I knew I had no desire to risk being one of them. Frankly, I just can’t understand why anyone would. 

    Post # 74
    Member
    842 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    So for everyone that did live together before the wedding, which seems to be almost everyone, did you always plan to live with somone before being engaged/married or was it jsut what worked best for you at the time?

    View original reply
    @MrsSBaugh:  to answer your question, I did not intend to live with someone before being engaged.  I saw way too many people that lived with their boyfriends for 5, 6 years before getting engaged because the guys were so comfortable with things as they were.  But I have no moral objection to living together before marriage.

    My own situation worked out differently than I expected though.  My Fiance and I were just friends when I bought a house close to where we both work (we had awful commutes prior that and were very close friends) and he started staying with me several nights a week.  He was basically living with me when we decided to give being a couple a shot.  So instead of being in the guest room, he moved into the master bedroom with me.  And instead of packing a bag with a week’s worth of clothing, he moved all his stuff to my house.  We loved (and still do) living together, and really had no problems with it.  Seven months after we started dating, he proposed.  So I guess all my fears about guys not wanting to propose to someone they live with were silly.  Or maybe I found just the right guy for me :).

     

    Post # 75
    Member
    3521 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2010

    We started living together about eight months before the wedding, and I’m glad we did. There is a little bit of an adjustment period, and it was nice to get it out of the way before tying the knot. 

    Post # 76
    Member
    347 posts
    Helper bee

    people talk about it being traditional or not the ‘norm’ to wait until after marriage to live together anymore, but ive noticed alot of bees believe in tradition when it comes to not having kids out of wedlock. confuses me a little.

    i voted to save it for after, you dont have to live together, you can talk about expectations as far as cleaning cooking finances are concerned beforehand. you should know them well enough and spent more time with them to see some of their living habits and the way they handle things.

     

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