(Closed) Livng together before the wedding

posted 9 years ago in Traditions
  • poll: How do you feel about living together before the wedding?

    Save it for after the wedding

    It's necessary

    It's a sin

    It doesn't matter

    It helps you get to know each other better

    Other

  • Post # 77
    Member
    10282 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2011

    View original reply
    @AB Bride:  “It sounds like people there need to focus more on their own sex lives instead of that of other mature adults!”

    Couldn’t agree more. 

    View original reply
    @ThingsThatShine:  “I can’t help but view it as “shacking up”/ slutty/ distasteful/ improper/ etc.”

    Yikes! That’s pretty rude. If complete strangers want to peg me as “slutty” for “shacking up” with my long time boyfriend then that’s their issue, not mine. Seriously, some people are so uptight. 

    Post # 78
    Member
    866 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2011

    We got engaged and lived apart for a year. Then DH got a job in another state, and I moved with him to our first place together. Around 8 months after that was our wedding (planned & booked before we moved). 

    I had never given much thought to living arrangments prior to meeting DH, so none of this was planned out. I did prefer to get engaged before living together, and live together before marriage, for many of the same reasons as PP — to know how two people cohabitate prior to marriage, in case some kind of insurmountable problem or incompatability shows up. 

     

    Post # 79
    Member
    1663 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    for me, it’s a personal decision in between you and your significant other. Some people see it as necessary, some people see it as unecessary, and others see it as wrong. I’ve known people in all of these categories that have very successful marriages. Fiance and I decided to move in together because we needed to move to that next step in our relationship. It wasn’t healthy that we were spending soo much time with our parents. (we both lived at home). It didn’t make sense for us to get separate places financially. I’ve never regretted, and he proposed shortly thereafter. Even though we were together 8 years at that point, it gave us the chance to get to know each other on a whole new level. I do think though, if we had of waited until marriage, that we would have been fine too. It’s really a personal decision.

    Post # 80
    Member
    62 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: January 2014

    I voted other because I think it’s the most practical thing for us.  All the money I’m spending in rent and separate household expenses will go toward our wedding.  Since we both have big families and a lot of friends, and he wants abig wedding, it’s hard to justify keeping 2 households. 

    When we first discussed our future, getting married, living together, etc., I insisted that I would not move in until we were engaged.  I have a cheap apartment in the city, and he owns a house.  While my place not a palace, it’s been very convenient for me for work and everything else in my life, and I wouldn’t want to give it up unless I was pretty darn certain we were in it to win it.  I had never really thought about what I would do if it came down to it – I made my decision based on the situation.

    Post # 81
    Member
    280 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    My parents did not live together before they were married, and their incompatability as roommates (because, on some level, that’s what you are), was one of the things that led to their divorce.  Consequently I was in the less-traditional position of my parents telling me that they did not want me to get married until I had lived that person first. 

    Post # 82
    Member
    1094 posts
    Bumble bee

    It’s different for everyone. For me, I feel like there is so much you learn about someone by living with them that I couldnt imagine committing to spending my life with someone without having lived with him first. Fiance and I moved in together about 8-9 months into our relationship –when we knew it was serious– and as expected, we discovered alot of things about eachother and both had to adapt our “home bahavior” in accordance. For instance, I am messier than Fiance, and living together has made us come to some comprimises: I make a more significant effort to pick up the house, Fiance learnt to turn down his cleanliness OCD. It’s a stupid example but if you don’t work these small things out, they can eventually put a real stress on a relationship –let alone a marriage!

    That’s just my opinion. I totally respect people decision not to live together before marriage though, everyone is different!

    Post # 83
    Member
    1437 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    I think living together helps you get to know your Fiance better. me & my Fi starting living together 3 weeks after we started dating. I really didnt like him that much after a while. lol But i learned how he lived and what he did and didnt like. after while we got used to it and everything got better.  I had a friend who didnt live together before they got married, now they can stand each other.

    Post # 84
    Member
    11227 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I’m not at all a traditional person, so I absolutely MUST live with someone if I’m going to marry them. I lived with my ex and realized that a terrible person he was. Fiance lived down the road the first couple of years we were dating and then we got an apartment together a couple of years ago. It’s awesome! Last year I was finishing up my last year of undergrad and we spent TONS of time together–the fact that doing this didn’t drive me crazy in the least was huge. In fact, now that I’m working full time, I miss doing that, haha.

    Post # 85
    Member
    10282 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2011

    @DrRoberta: I’ve met a few people who fall into the same category as your parents. Sometimes not living together works for couples but that’s definitely not always the case. I can see DH and I urging our hypothetical children to live together first. It doesn’t work for everyone but it worked out smashingly for us so we’re definite advocates for pre-marital “shacking up”. 

    Post # 86
    Member
    347 posts
    Helper bee

    View original reply
    @Petite_Fraise:  you didnt see any signs of this prior to moving in? your Fiance sounds like mine, but i didnt have to live with him in order to see he was a neat freak, just visiting his place was a clue he likes to keep things in order compared to me. you can usually pick up some of their living habits overtime from observing it.

     im messy, and Fiance has seen this with my place and sometimes my car, so our cleaning styles our different, we talked about it and made a compromise in helping each other clean in the future.

    Post # 87
    Member
    27 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I would have loved to wait… and initially we planned to but we caved to the convenience and financial benefits of living together before. I’m curious to know – of the people who decided to wait and not live together until after for reasons of tradition or religion – how many are following the other aspects of tradition/religion and are also saving themselves for marriage?… Not that two wrongs make a right but we weren’t being ‘traditional’ in other aspects and knew that if we lived seperately we would probably sleep at eachother’s places anyway so why not… I asolutely respect those who wait and actually somewhat envy it so my question was in no way meant to be condescending, etc… just curious!

    Post # 88
    Member
    362 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    I don’t think it’s necessary to live together, but I think if done for the right reasons it can only be a good thing! For us, it turns out we would have been fine if we had waited until after the wedding to live together, but I only know that now that we’ve been living together for a couple of years! Now I feel completely relaxed about getting married, as I know we’ll be fine afterwards.

    Post # 89
    Member
    152 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    @Future MrsB

    So for everyone that did live together before the wedding, which seems to be almost everyone, did you always plan to live with somone before being engaged/married or was it jsut what worked best for you at the time?


    I had honestly never really thought about it before. The main reason we took the step in living together is because we were about 3.5 hours away from each other. I lived in Hampton Roads and he was in Northern Virginia. We actually took this step about five months before we got engaged. So I guess it’s just what worked best for us at the time. 

    Post # 90
    Member
    378 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    I think it’s a matter of personal preference (and perhaps religious). I’ve lived with my fiance since before we were engaged and I love it. I love coming home to him and being able to talk, have dinner, cuddle, destress, etc. I understand that people might consider that “giving the milk away for free” or whatever, but I think being married is different than just living together. I have a lot of friends who chose to live apart until they were married and it works great for them just like living together works great for us. It’s all subjective 🙂

    Post # 91
    Member
    4605 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    For me, living together was necessary prior to marriage. I told FH very early on in the relationship that if he planned on marrying me he needed to live with me first. At first, FH really wasn’t on board. His parents are very religious and they didn’t live together before marriage (but they got married when his mom was 17 and his dad was 21). Eventually, he came around to the idea and we started living together last week after being together for almost 3 years. It’s been difficult at times with FH working or in school and me stuck at home all day because he has to take my car to work, but it’s worth it. We’re learning a lot about each other and there won’t be any surprises about his habits when we do get married. We’ve got roughly a year or so to figure stuff out.

    It’s just much easier for me. We’ve talked about finances and chores, we’ve got a schedule going. I’ve learned that FH is much more the neat freak where as I’m the messy one. We can get used to, or work around, the little things that would have annoyed us after we got married. We figure there’s enough going on already just being newlyweds, why add arguements about laundry and dishes and who gets the tv remote into that?

    But, everyone is different. I don’t think that everyone needs to live together before marriage. It just worked best for FH and I.

    The topic ‘Livng together before the wedding’ is closed to new replies.

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