Post # 1
Bees- I know that everyone thinks it’s a bad idea to loan money to family but I did it anyways because this person is very important to me.
About 3 years ago, I loaned him more than 50K and I knew that it was highly unlikely that he would ever pay me back. I was okay with not getting the money back but I resent that he has had opportunities to repay some of the money yet hasn’t.
For example, he recently sold an investment property and used the money from the sale to refinance his house. He told me that he sold the property and that he couldn’t pay me back “yet” because he needed to refinance. I know he needed to lower his mortgage rate so he could afford the payments and to pay property taxes but I wish he never told me he sold the property because it has made things worse.
As much as I tell myself that the money doesn’t matter and the most important thing is that I have a relationship with this person, I still feel resentful and used. A few months ago when I was visiting him, his wife made a comment about me being spoiled when I bought a purse for $100. She knows about the money and I was shocked and hurt that she called me spoiled.
The issue is negatively effecting our relationship. I don’t want to visit or call him because of this and I know he feels somewhat guilty that he hasn’t paid me. I have made comments about what I would do with the money if he repaid me but I don’t want to say any thing else because it seems to make us both very uncomfortble.
I don’t want to ask him over and over for the money so I need some advise on how I can get over this issue and have a close relationship with this person like I did before the loan.
Post # 3
@BeeBiscuit: it is a difficult situation but you need to decide whether or not you will let it go completely and not expect any money back at all but it seems as though you would like him to pay you back (for good reason, especially if at the time it was discussed as a loan not a gift). Ignore his wifes comments, it seems to me he may have said things to her like she doesnt need the money back at the moment (as a timeline hasnt been given to him) and she takes that as you are rich, so called you spoilt (which was rude & seems as though she is jealous). I think you need to be firm with him (you can still care about someone which is why you lent him the money but still expect to be paid back). 50k is a large gift, and a large loan. Also at the time did you say to him you expected to get paid back? I would say to him (in an email maybe so it doesnt come as a shock in a face to face meeting), that you need the money for x reason (or dont give a reason) and would like to set up a payment plan and would like x amount (maybe $5000 back ) by x date and then come to an agreement about when more payments can be made.
But this means it could effect your relationship (if he thought he didnt have to pay you back) but as you say your relationship is not the same anyway. Its not as easy situation at all. 🙁
Post # 4
@BeeBiscuit: I am very sorry. I can imagine that it still bring up resentment, even more so with those remarks from his wife! That’s really out of line. Iam not sure I could maintain the relationship all the while thinking I’d never get that money back. That’s a big amount.
My sister loaned money to my dad. He approached her one day and said he was in big trouble and wanted to know if she could give him money. She asked how much. He said “as much as you can give me. “
So she cashed out $20k of her retirement and gave it to my dad. I thinkshe felt he was going to be murdered if he did not pay whoever it was.
When she mentioned the money, his answer was, “I thought we settled that.” He did not even bother to leave her that money when he died.
Yet somehow, she still remained his daughter and they still visited and went on like normal.
Post # 5
I can understand the resentment… I think you need to either directly ask and talk about setting up a payment plan or something, or else just let it go entirely. No truly helpful advice because the time for that advice (don’t loan large sums of money!) is already gone.
Post # 6
Wow, that’s a tough one. I agree with PP that you deserve to have a conversation about this. Maybe they assume you don’t need the money back, so you might want to make it clear that your expectation is that they begin paying you back on X date. 50k is a lot of money to let slide.
I loaned my brother about $7k about 6 mos before my wedding and he’s only paid me back $1k in a over 1 year 🙁 The only way for me to make peace with it has been to just assume that I won’t be getting the money back and that way, whatever he does pay feels like a pleasant surprise.
Try to also focus on the blessing of being able to help someone you love out during a time of need. Tell them how you’re feeling. If they don’t change or make an effort, you might just need to dial back your relationship with them. Good luck with it – I hope they pay you back.