(Closed) Locking horns with a FMIL over rehearsal dinner; how to politely say BACK OFF

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
195 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@greenmachine838: If it really is a logistics issue, just run through the reality of the schedule with her. Doing the rehearsal dinner the night before is simply an impossibility. Explain that you’re willing to compromise by still having one at another time before the wedding, but if that’s unacceptable, then you just won’t be able to do one at all. Thank her for her offer and, if out of town guests are the issue, suggest an alternative like a day-after brunch if that would be more feasible. Similarly, let her know you wouldn’t be hurt or offended if she wanted to have a dinner party for those guests, even if you and/or Fiance couldn’t make it.

Post # 4
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@greenmachine838: gently remind her that it is your wedding and it will be hard to have a rehersal dinner without you (making it clear you won`t be able to attend)

Post # 6
Member
5494 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2011

Maybe I’m missing something but I don’t understand from your post why you can’t make it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.  You said you work long hours but do you expect to work the night before you wedding?

Post # 7
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@greenmachine838: I know exactly how you feel my Fiance is so passive that its at the point where his family feel they are ok to mistreat us because he never says anything, I always feel like the bad guy. Talk to your Fiance and say you need his support a marriage is a partnership and you want to feel united

Post # 9
Member
254 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Why don’t you split the difference and …

have the rehersal dinner the night before BUT in your city (where you live not where you are hosting the wedding) that way you can get there on time.

If you want to practice, do it a week or so before hand and don’t worry about it. Tell her the Royal’s practiced months before they got married, so you can do it a week or two before. Becuase would they ever mess up on ettiquite? 

Post # 10
Member
2638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2006

Maybe if you present it a different way. Why don’t you tell her she’s welcome to host a meet-and-greet for out-of-towners and family the night before and you’ll try to get there as soon as you can, but that you’re going to do your own rehearsal and a dinner for the people involved in that a few weeks ahead of time? I understand her wanting to host people who traveled, but I also see how the logistics just won’t work.

 

Post # 11
Member
516 posts
Busy bee

Why not have the rehearsal on a different day, and let your Future Mother-In-Law throw a late rehearsal dinner (or better yet, mmm a dessert party) the night before the wedding?

You might be a bit tired after traveling, but that’s a smaller price to pay to keep peace in the family.

Post # 13
Member
5885 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

No I think what  @LALaw: means is you host your Rehearsal Dinner the few weeks before with just you Wedding Party. Then the night before you Future Mother-In-Law hosts a dinner or dessert party for out of town guest and Wedding Party that are there. 

 

PS- ask your work if you could just work a half day on Friday and make up the hours earlier in the week. Can’t hurt to ask.

Post # 15
Member
4046 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@daybyday: Yes, this is a great suggestion, the best of both worlds!

Post # 16
Member
185 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@greenmachine838: Can you do both?  What I mean is, can you do the formal rehearsal with the church/priest/immediate family members whatever day you guys can make it there as you want to do it.  And then as a PP posted, have your Future Mother-In-Law host a party that Friday night to appease her out of town guests.  You guys can make your appearance and everyone is mostly happy.  Yes, you’ll be exhausted and you won’t want to go at 8pm when you arrive in town, but it allows her to host her out of town guests and it shows that you’re trying to make things traditional, but with a twist.  You can say your thank yous to whomever is there from your bridal party.  Or, would she be willing to host a Sunday brunch instead of the Friday night rehearsal for the family/out of towners?

 

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