(Closed) Lonely and Depressed

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1403 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Don’t assume your wedding should always be the center of attention in conversation with your friends.  It’s natural for the topic to come up a lot, because they’re excited for you, but your wedding is a whole year away and they do have lives and priorities besides your wedding.  So don’t push the wedding topic when you hang out with them.

As far as the bridesmaid decision, why not invite all of them to be bridesmaids?  I’ve seen ten bridesmaids in a wedding once.  Then the only sticky situation would be who is maid of honor.  Honestly, you have a lot of time to pick the maid of honor.  You can just invite them all to be bridesmaids for the time being, and maybe 6 months before the wedding, make a decision for maid of honor.

Good luck hun.  *hugs*

Post # 5
Member
941 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

One thing I’m realizing is how nice it is to have supportive and understanding people in my wedding party.  I guess I’m lucky in the sense that I didn’t have to worry about picking and choosing, and I can definitely understand the challenge you’re facing.

It is pretty cliche to use this as a comparison, though it may be helpful to choose rather than letting it linger (like ripping off a band-aid rather than peeling it slowly).  I can hear the concerns you have about the aftermath–hurting others’ feelings by not picking them, and having to make the tough decision, and I definitely undesrtand your wish to prolonge it as much as possible.  In my experience, with stressful situations, the longer I prolong it, the worse it becomes, as I’m building up all the stress in my mind, which makes it a much bigger deal and makes it much harder for me.

Definitely do what you feel is best for you, though my suggestion would be to think honestly about who you would feel most supported and understood by.  Don’t necessarily focus on who you’ve known the longest, or whose feelings will be the most hurt–the bridal party is there to support you, so it’s important for you that you pick people who will really be there to support you.  And, as you said, there may be some hurt feelings.  And with those people, it’s okay to explain the fact that you had to limit the size of the bridal party, and maybe ask them if they’d like to/be able to help in other aspects (such as cake tasting).

Being a nice person, it can be hard to really think about your own feelings and not worry about upsetting others.  Ultimately, since this will be a time where you need support, think about whose best for you.  And if you need help with the dialogue of what to say, I’m sure many people on this board will have words of wisdom to share!  🙂

Post # 6
Member
3564 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think I”ve said this before, but definitely WAIT to pick your bridesmaids. You still have a looong time before they really need to do anythink (aka, get their dresses, shoes, etc.).

As for the girls not setting up cake tasting appointments for you on their own or setting anything up on their own, that’s YOUR responsibility. It’s your wedding. It’s not their job to make appointments for you or arrange for you to do things, especially since 1. it’s still so far out from your wedding and 2. they aren’t officially bridesmaids yet. So if you want to do a cake tasting, I would set it up yourself. And if one of them asks if they can come and you want them there, then say yes. As for whether this might make them think that they’re in the bridal party…it might. So I might be careful about that.

And your wedding should definitely not be the center of every conversation with your friends. I mean, think about how boring it would be for you if every one of your conversations revolved around their new job or their new house or something related to them. Plus, the more you talk about the wedding with them, the more involved they are going to feel, and the more likely it is that they’re going to think they’re in the bridal party. I know it’s hard, because our weddings feel like the most exciting and important thing to us. But that’s what WB is for–to talk about it here so we don’t drive everyone else crazy, lol.

Post # 7
Member
1403 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Well you’re quite lucky to have so many friends to choose from.  I was hard pressed to come up with three girls I wanted in my wedding party.  🙁  I hardly speak to one of them (her prerogative, not mine) so I started wondering recently whether I should really have invited her.

I’m sure you’ve heard this before, but if any of your girls would be willing to break up your friendship because she wasn’t included in your bridal party, then she’s not a very understanding person and not worth being a close friend anyway.  There will be a lot of people who feel entitled to be part of your wedding – including moms wanting to have a say, distant cousins wanting to get an invitation, etc – but what it all comes down to is who you want to be surrounded by on your day.

Post # 8
Member
1765 posts
Buzzing bee

Choose wisely–you definitely don’t need any drama queens or anyone who you can’t count on!   It is important that you choose people who will not give you any trouble about what they will wear, or someone who will be negative about your choices.  Choose people that you feel you will have long-term relationships with.  You don’t want a bunch of people in your photos that you no longer have contact with.   Choose the Maid/Matron of Honor that is able and willing to honor you with a shower, etc.  Pick the most responsible person to be your Maid/Matron of Honor.  That’s the best advice I can give.  So many bride-to-bees have regretted who they’ve chosen.  Okay, I’ll get off my soapbox now. lol.  Best Wishes.

Post # 9
Member
435 posts
Helper bee

I would wait until the wedding gets closer, no sense in dealing with all that now.  Just don’t talk too much about the wedding with anyone you won’t be asking to be in the bridal party.  Maybe you can mention a few times how you will be having a very small bridal party, but not go into specifics.

Post # 11
Member
1566 posts
Bumble bee

I think you’ve gotten some great advice from PP, but I just wanted to add one point. From the way you describe choosing BMs, it almost sounds like you see it as a competition between your friends for who gets the honor (i.e. having them “impress you with something”). I don’t think that’s necessarily the best way to approach this whole issue. I would think of it as: who do I want to share this day with?

Also, you seem pretty confident that choosing 1 or 2 friends from a group of 5 will ruin friendships with the others, but you are set on doing it anyway. This is confusing to me, especially since you don’t even know who to ask. If you had one best friend in the group, it might make sense to just ask her. But why create this drama? If there’s no 1-2 girls that you are closest to, and if you are dead set against a larger bridal party, why ask any of them at all? I think that by avoiding needlessly playing favorites, you can eliminate a lot of drama down the road.

Post # 12
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

Are you positive you want the other 4 girls you mentioned?  If it were me, and I had 4 girls definitely, and another group of 5 girls (each of whom I’d been besties with at some point), I would completely eliminate the entire group.  (or include them all).  But that’s me.  If I knew that I’d be picking among a close circle, and some would be hurt, I’d just not choose and leave it with the 4.  It would be a different story if we hung out in the same circle but a few of the girls were really just acquaintances, and only associating because of a mutual friend.

Post # 13
Member
435 posts
Helper bee

Personally  I would wait longer than August.  Why rush?  Give yourself all the time you need.  Good luck.

Post # 15
Member
1566 posts
Bumble bee

@TG20 – I think if you have one person in mind that you’re closest to, maybe it’s best to ask just her. But I understand what you mean about maybe considering the other girl since you used to be closer and she’s very interested in the wedding. 

If I were you, I would wait a while before asking any of them (even longer than next August) and see how things progress in your relationships with these girls. 

Post # 16
Member
1403 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I can tell you that friendships can change a lot in a year, especially in the shadow of your upcoming wedding.  I have some friends who became distant as soon as they found out I was engaged… their rationale is that they think I’m going to stop hanging out with them when I’m married, so they’re giving up on the friendship now.  WTF?  The girls I was close with when I got engaged aren’t the same set of girls I’m close with now, a year later.

You definitely need to pick your bridal party by February-ish (six months before your wedding) because that’s about when you want them to order their dresses if they’re being made to order.  The only tasks you have before that six month marker are to find your own dress, your venue, photographer, and DJ – so just do those without your girl friends’ help.  The things they want to help with can happen after February.  I’ve never heard of having to do taste testing and pick a baker a full year ahead of time, so that should be able to wait.  🙂

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