Lonely fed up wife

posted 6 months ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
2047 posts
Buzzing bee

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marley56789 :  

You’re caught in the loop of trying to get him to change.  You try to explain things just the right way so you can make him see that’s he’s wrong and get him to come around to do things right.  But he will not, no matter how good and persuasive your reasoning is.  He doesn’t want to do that or be that and nothing you do will change his mind.

Right now you are like a hamster in a wheel, running and running and not getting anywhere.  The only thing changing is that your children are getting older and seeing more of his neglectful and disrespectful behavior and you are getting more exhausted.  You’ve got to stop trying to convince him of things.  Regarding the divorce, don’t bring it up with him as if it’s a mutual decision he needs to agree to, or as if it’s a threat if he doesn’t change.  He’s not going to change.  Just disentangle yourself from him.  Do it and wash your hands of this agony.  Do it for yourself and do it for your kids.  You all deserve to get out of this misery.  What they’re witnessing is a horrible example of a relationship and of human behavior in general. Show them that it’s not acceptable by putting a stop to it.  You’ll free yourself up for a healthier relationship when the time is right.

Post # 32
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2021 - Glacier National Park-Montana

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marley56789 :  It’s possible you’d be entitled to 50% of his share the business if you divorced.  Your kids will be better off if you’re happy! They might even see their dad more when he has to execute his part of a parenting plan and he’s forced to prioritize care of them by himself.   When they realize their child support is attached to how much time they spend with the kids they all of a sudden want 50/50 custody.  I hope the best for you bee.  You deserve more. 

Post # 35
Member
457 posts
Helper bee

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marley56789 :  It’s kinda like, what made him change so much? What made him say ‘i want overoccupy my time to make more money and have my own rules in a job, but not come home and spend time with my family, and not want to support and take care of my family. 

 

He is either being extremely selfish in what he wants, OR, he is no longer in the same playing field with you that he may have been in several years ago. Either way, EFF that! smh.

Post # 36
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2021 - Glacier National Park-Montana

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marley56789 :  you of course know him best,  but I’ve seen quite a few workaholic parents change their tune when they realize how much their child support will be and decide they’d rather take the kids than pay their ex spouse double or more in child support to have full custody.  And if he’s mad, he might even try to get custody just as retaliation.  Your husband doesn’t sound like he’ll just go away quietly and pay his child support.  Also, with owning his own business, there’s a chance he could hide assets. I don’t really mean to be gloom and doom, I just want to share what I’ve learned over the years.  I was blown away by how my ex acted and the things he’s tried to pull over the last 12 years.  With any luck it could be a clean break for you, just be prepared for uncharacteristic behavior if you decide divorce is the route you want to go.

 

Post # 37
Member
42 posts
Newbee

He spit in your face??

you have to leave ASAP. You say that you are worried about your kids resenting you, but there is a much stronger chance they will resent you for staying with someone who is abusive. I grew up in an abusive household and the best thing my parents did was finally split up. 

Post # 38
Member
9988 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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@wanda888:  

l know, once l had seen that l couldn’t take anything else in  OP he spat in your face !! That is the grossest form of abuse , even police officers hate and fear that . 

Face the scary leaving part, take you and your children somewhere , anywhere better. I usually hate that the woman has to leave, meaning the abusive partner gets the house but he doesn’t sound like he’d be the type to accept the locks being changed etc . I assume you own the house together? But first of everything, get a lawyer, a serious hard nosed divorce lawyer. 

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@marley56789:  

Post # 40
Member
2075 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

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marley56789 :  Maybe some legal bees can correct me but as far as a lawyer goes, you can have him pay all or part of your legal fees as part of the divorce settlement.

He treats you this way because you allow it.  You’re begging for crumbs of affection from a man who clearly doesn’t love or respect you and shows you this to your face.  The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting a different outcome.  You’ve been expecting some change in him when he’s shown you who he was from the very beginning.  Don’t you think its insanity to hope he has a change of heart when you already know he has no heart? 

The question you should be asking is why do you believe you don’t deserve a loving, faithful mate?  Why do you believe that his current behavior towards you and your children is acceptable?  I say its acceptable because you accept it.  Why do you believe its a problem that YOU want to be prioritized as a wife when that’s exactly what should be happening in a healthy marriage?

The main things in this situation here are not unknowns.  You are capable of taking care you yourself and your children, your husband doesn’t care about you or his family and yet you’re still here taking care of business and you have the love and support of your family.  You have all you need.  So I think its time to get really honest and ask yourself why you would even consider keeping your children in a situation that is unhappy, emotionally damaging and generally unhealthy just because of some image in your mind of what your husband is supposed to be but clearly will never be?

 

Post # 41
Member
959 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Does your husband deserve you? Nope

do your children deserve a happy home? Yes

will there be happiness if you stay? Nope

staying will not do jack shit but make you resent and hate him more. Let’s stop feeding the idea he will be a different person. No amount of effort on your side will be enough to force him to change.

I wish you would leave his stupid ass and turn the table on him. Staying wil not fix or help anything. If he doesn’t want his wife or kids why does he get to keep them? If the kids don’t already see their dad they won’t really miss him. All we know is that we You out your heart in your sleeve and tell yourself you deserve better. 

Post # 42
Member
1256 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Your husband contributes not one good thing to your life or your children’s lives. Not one. You will be so much better off if you leave him, and so will your children. They don’t see him now! Staying will not do them any favors.

Do you have any family or friends who could help you out for a little while? So you can get some help with your PPD, go grocery shopping, have a bit of a break? Please, please follow up with the lawyer, find your backbone, and leave. It’s what’s best for you and your children, that is so, so clear.

Post # 43
Member
9988 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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@marley56789:  

You are not the problem. He is the problem. Yes of course you fear the unknown but it is, objectively , hard to see how your known is bearable, let alone preferable. 
Please do not continue in this mindset of thinking that if only you could do x or y he would change. He won’t, and it is abundantly clear from your posts that you really know this deep down. 

Grasp the nettle dear OP…

Post # 45
Member
541 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

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@marley56789:  I want you to read your own words and tell me what you want for your children.

Do you want them to grow up to be like this : “My parents divorced when I was young. I know my mother was toxic and a cheater. I took that and learned to be better person than that growing up.” 

Or do you want them to end up like this: “my husbands mother is also a cheater and his father never would leave her no matter how bad she treats him. His father down talks his mother a lot and his mother is no better. I think him seeing that they stayed married makes him believe it doesnt matter how you treat someone they will always be there.”

Your kids will know that you tried, and if your husband puts in no efforet to see them they will see that it’s his problem and not yours. Please move on and be happy. Show your kids that it’s not ok to treat people like crap and that they don’t have to stay in sh*tty situations.

 

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