(Closed) Long. Are these major differences (dealbreakers) or minor areas of disagreement?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: What kind of lifestyle differences would these seem like to you
    Major differences (deal breakers) this type of relationship could not work for me : (107 votes)
    69 %
    Mid Level Differences; I could do this but we would have to work hard at the relationship : (37 votes)
    24 %
    Minor Differences. These kinds of differences wouldn't bother me too much : (3 votes)
    2 %
    Something different.....do tell! : (8 votes)
    5 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    1849 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    If the differences in 1 and 3 were addressed by the partner that’s bothered, and these concerns were waved off by the other partner, those are deal breakers. Honestly, 2 is borderline. If my partner ever ignored my worries about his health or offensive personality traits without a second thought, I would reconsider ever putting myself in the position of having to overcome bigger life challenges with this person. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    9917 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2013

    Is this a situation where one person is the first three things, and the other person is the second three things?  

    Post # 5
    Member
    62 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    I said “something different” because the drug use would be a deal breaker for me, but the alcohol and religion would be a non-issue IF my partner put a stop to the religion bashing and the alcohol use never became a serious issue or crutch.

    Post # 6
    Member
    1020 posts
    Bumble bee

    Number 2 and 3 are deal-breakers for me, and 1 could be, depending on the specifics.

    Post # 7
    Member
    1849 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    @FutureMrs1:  the OP said none of these are negotiable. I agree otherwise, they’re manageable if someone is willing to change. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    4049 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: January 2014

    Could be. Could not be. But I am leaning towards deal breakers since there doesn’t seem to be room for compromise.

    Post # 11
    Member
    9917 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2013

    @oldrockingchair:  I think the drug use (marijuana and alcohol) is something that could cause resentment in the non drug user.  That would cause problems down the road.  

    But every situation is different, so…yeah.  I think anyone who bashes anyone for their beliefs sucks, though.  =/

    Post # 12
    Member
    9074 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    2 is the only one that would be a deal breaker to me. I have had poor experiences with alcohol in my life and it’s my only trigger. My husband likes to drink with his buddies and will get drunk with them (This is a rare occurance) and has not happened since I moved out here, but it’s my only fear and I’m not really sure how I could handle it. He isn’t a violent or angry man, and is a relatively happy drunk, but it’s the physical “being” of inebriation that I have an issue with.

    The other two are non issues for me.

    Post # 13
    Member
    1734 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    The drug use would be an instant dealbreaker for me. No matter how you feel about it, it’s still illegal in most places, and I’m not messing around with someone who’s breaking the law. Plus, it’s an expense, and it’s not exactly good for you, either. Cigarettes are also a dealbreaker for me, for comparison.

    The alcohol would concern me. Drinking that heavily that consistently suggests dependence on alcohol…plus, as you said, there are some health issues associated with heavy drinking for a sustained time period. This would be something that I would be concerned about.

    The belief-bashing…if it was part of a pattern of not being sensitive to other people’s differences and feelings, then I would consider it a dealbreaker. Until then, I would consider it something to engage in conversation about.

    If the pot, the booze, and the belief bashing were one person, I think I’d be moving on. Not my type, especially not for marriage. Suggests a lack of sensitivity to other people’s feelings and needs.

     

    Post # 15
    Member
    4755 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    opposites might attract but it doesn’t mean its a good fit.

    Post # 16
    Member
    6124 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    1. One partner was a daily marijuana user and the other partner adamantly against drugs due to traumatic family experiences.  The partner who uses marijuana is not the typical “pot head” and is quite successful, so the other partner tries to overlook the issue though it really bothers them deep down inside.

    Then right there it should be a deal breaker for the non-user.

     

    2. One partner drinks heavily (3 drinks a night average, 7 days a week).  The other partner might have a glass of wine at night but usually no more than 4 drinks a week.  the partner who drinks less has alcoholics in the family and has usually shied away from partners addicted to alcohol.  However, this partner shows none of the negative signs of alcoholism…they just like to drink alot.  Still, the partner who does not drink notices the effects of alcohol on their partners weight a secretly wishes that they would cut back for health reasons.

    Then right there again, the less drinker should not be with this person.  It should be their deal breaker.

     

    3. One partner is a pretty outspoken athiest who frequently bashes religion and makes negative comments about religious people.  The other partner has no particular faith but is a spiritually minded person.

    This doesn’t seem too much of a deal breaker.

     

     

    Based on what I’ve read about both, this relationship doesn’t bode well for success.  I am assuming you are the person in bold.  If so, then I’d say you have two very big deal breakers on your plate just going by your own words!   You can end it now with him. 

    95% of the time (according to Mira Kirshenbaum), when women end up in bad, unhappy, not so great relationships, they weren’t listening to their gut.  The gut knows.  In fact I can read what your gut thinks in your post, but you aren’t going by it.

    The topic ‘Long. Are these major differences (dealbreakers) or minor areas of disagreement?’ is closed to new replies.

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