Post # 1
Member
28 posts
Newbee
Say you knew a couple with the following lifestyle differences:
1. One partner was a daily marijuana user and the other partner adamantly against drugs due to traumatic family experiences. The partner who uses marijuana is not the typical “pot head” and is quite successful, so the other partner tries to overlook the issue though it really bothers them deep down inside.
2. One partner drinks heavily (3 drinks a night average, 7 days a week). The other partner might have a glass of wine at night but usually no more than 4 drinks a week. the partner who drinks less has alcoholics in the family and has usually shied away from partners addicted to alcohol. However, this partner shows none of the negative signs of alcoholism…they just like to drink alot. Still, the partner who does not drink notices the effects of alcohol on their partners weight a secretly wishes that they would cut back for health reasons.
3. One partner is a pretty outspoken athiest who frequently bashes religion and makes negative comments about religious people. The other partner has no particular faith but is a spiritually minded person.
Both issues are not really up for negotiation. each partner has said “that’s just they way I am and how I want to be.”
What do you think…could a relationship like this work?
Post # 3
Member
1849 posts
Buzzing bee
If the differences in 1 and 3 were addressed by the partner that’s bothered, and these concerns were waved off by the other partner, those are deal breakers. Honestly, 2 is borderline. If my partner ever ignored my worries about his health or offensive personality traits without a second thought, I would reconsider ever putting myself in the position of having to overcome bigger life challenges with this person.
Post # 4
Member
9916 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
Is this a situation where one person is the first three things, and the other person is the second three things?
Post # 5
Member
62 posts
Worker bee
I said “something different” because the drug use would be a deal breaker for me, but the alcohol and religion would be a non-issue IF my partner put a stop to the religion bashing and the alcohol use never became a serious issue or crutch.
Post # 6
Member
1019 posts
Bumble bee
Number 2 and 3 are deal-breakers for me, and 1 could be, depending on the specifics.
Post # 7
Member
1849 posts
Buzzing bee
@FutureMrs1: the OP said none of these are negotiable. I agree otherwise, they’re manageable if someone is willing to change.
Post # 8
Member
28 posts
Newbee
@peachacid: Yes. One person is the three
Post # 9
Member
4047 posts
Honey bee
Could be. Could not be. But I am leaning towards deal breakers since there doesn’t seem to be room for compromise.
Post # 10
Member
28 posts
Newbee
@Taeyers: That’s the thing. the partner who does those things has said that they see no negative in what they do other than that their partner does not like it. They are happy with their life and think it would be ingenuine to stop just because their partner does not like what they do.
Post # 11
Member
9916 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
@oldrockingchair: I think the drug use (marijuana and alcohol) is something that could cause resentment in the non drug user. That would cause problems down the road.
But every situation is different, so…yeah. I think anyone who bashes anyone for their beliefs sucks, though. =/
Post # 12
Member
9118 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
2 is the only one that would be a deal breaker to me. I have had poor experiences with alcohol in my life and it’s my only trigger. My husband likes to drink with his buddies and will get drunk with them (This is a rare occurance) and has not happened since I moved out here, but it’s my only fear and I’m not really sure how I could handle it. He isn’t a violent or angry man, and is a relatively happy drunk, but it’s the physical “being” of inebriation that I have an issue with.
The other two are non issues for me.
Post # 13
Member
1733 posts
Bumble bee
The drug use would be an instant dealbreaker for me. No matter how you feel about it, it’s still illegal in most places, and I’m not messing around with someone who’s breaking the law. Plus, it’s an expense, and it’s not exactly good for you, either. Cigarettes are also a dealbreaker for me, for comparison.
The alcohol would concern me. Drinking that heavily that consistently suggests dependence on alcohol…plus, as you said, there are some health issues associated with heavy drinking for a sustained time period. This would be something that I would be concerned about.
The belief-bashing…if it was part of a pattern of not being sensitive to other people’s differences and feelings, then I would consider it a dealbreaker. Until then, I would consider it something to engage in conversation about.
If the pot, the booze, and the belief bashing were one person, I think I’d be moving on. Not my type, especially not for marriage. Suggests a lack of sensitivity to other people’s feelings and needs.
Post # 14
Member
268 posts
Helper bee
Post # 15
Member
4755 posts
Honey bee
opposites might attract but it doesn’t mean its a good fit.
Post # 16
Member
6123 posts
Bee Keeper
1. One partner was a daily marijuana user and the other partner adamantly against drugs due to traumatic family experiences. The partner who uses marijuana is not the typical “pot head” and is quite successful, so the other partner tries to overlook the issue though it really bothers them deep down inside.
Then right there it should be a deal breaker for the non-user.
2. One partner drinks heavily (3 drinks a night average, 7 days a week). The other partner might have a glass of wine at night but usually no more than 4 drinks a week. the partner who drinks less has alcoholics in the family and has usually shied away from partners addicted to alcohol. However, this partner shows none of the negative signs of alcoholism…they just like to drink alot. Still, the partner who does not drink notices the effects of alcohol on their partners weight a secretly wishes that they would cut back for health reasons.
Then right there again, the less drinker should not be with this person. It should be their deal breaker.
3. One partner is a pretty outspoken athiest who frequently bashes religion and makes negative comments about religious people. The other partner has no particular faith but is a spiritually minded person.
This doesn’t seem too much of a deal breaker.
Based on what I’ve read about both, this relationship doesn’t bode well for success. I am assuming you are the person in bold. If so, then I’d say you have two very big deal breakers on your plate just going by your own words! You can end it now with him.
95% of the time (according to Mira Kirshenbaum), when women end up in bad, unhappy, not so great relationships, they weren’t listening to their gut. The gut knows. In fact I can read what your gut thinks in your post, but you aren’t going by it.
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