(Closed) Long. Are these major differences (dealbreakers) or minor areas of disagreement?

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: What kind of lifestyle differences would these seem like to you

    Major differences (deal breakers) this type of relationship could not work for me

    Mid Level Differences; I could do this but we would have to work hard at the relationship

    Minor Differences. These kinds of differences wouldn't bother me too much

    Something different.....do tell!

  • Post # 32
    Member
    5295 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: January 1993

    1 & 2 make me think that this person is an addict.  All three would be dealbreakers on their own to me. Combined? Definitely not.

    Post # 33
    Member
    3774 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: December 2004

    Any of these things alone would be a dealbreaker for me.  If all of these things are so different, what do these people have in common?

    Post # 34
    Member
    10361 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2010

    Well #1 likely has a psychological and possible chemical dependence on marijuana. You can be an addict and still be high functioning. Doesn’t make you less of an addict. People who grow up in families with addicition issues often end up with addicts – albeit actively seeking out ones who are “higher functioning” than their family members. That issue SHOULD be a dealbreaker. If the codependent in that relationship doesn’t break their cycle/become aware of it, they are in for a bumpy ride.

    DITTO for problem #2.

    Problem #3 is fine if both people are ok with the religion bashing. People can be spiritual but not like organized religion.

    Post # 35
    Member
    10361 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2010

    View original reply
    @kris325:  Marijuana may not change you, but approximately 1/6 of regular users become heavy users/addicted. I dealt with this with a fiance – it did change him. He became lazy, unmotivated, distant, etc while using. He couldn’t stop. He actually had to go into a treatment program for it. Just because you have control over your use doesn’t mean that everyone does. It sounds like the OP’s SO is in denial, and has lost his control over his use.

    Post # 36
    Member
    232 posts
    Helper bee

    This past year my SO gave up both marijuana and alcohol, because while they seemed to not be big things at first, they actually ended up being HUGE. He turned to them to cope with stress, which caused many, many more problems. They’re habit-forming, addictive, and they do influence how your mind processes things. Quitting and therapy brought that to light. It’s not the typical “pot head” reaction or behavior from pot that would bother me (actually, several of my SO’s coworkers smoke pot and they’re complete morons ever since they started, and that does bother me) – it’s what you’re not going to see: how their mind is actually reacting to things, what’s making them continue to do it and how much they’re doing, etc.

    From that experience, these would absolutely be deal breakers for me, now that I realize how devastating they can be. Definitely. I think someone who needs to smoke and drink daily actually needs to seek help, and maybe they’re incapable of seeing that on their own. And if they don’t seek help, sorry, that’s a deal breaker.

    As for the religion bashing… I would find that annoying, I think. I believe people can believe what they want, but you don’t have to bash others. Could potentially be a deal breaker. Seems immature and disrespectful.

    But not looking at my own experiences, I would say… this doesn’t sound like a happy relationship anyway. Why you might dislike them doesn’t matter, it’s just that you do dislike these things and he doesn’t care. He should care. If this is how he is and it bothers you, speak up. Do something. Express to him that you deserve to be with someone who cares about your opinions on things and is willing to compromise (either by smoking/drinking/bashing less, or quitting altogether), and if his reaction is “This is the way I am, deal with it” – find someone who you’re not compromising your beliefs for.

    Post # 37
    Member
    5870 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    I’d say mid to low level (clearly not the popular opinion!) 

     

    Alcohol:

    I come from a family where regular drinking that some would consider to be heavy is common for men, but we have litterally zero problems with substance abuse in the family.  My dad drinks a bottle of wine every night my mom hardly ever has a drop, it’s a non issue.  (Due to his tolerance level the stuff has basically no effect on him.)  I could see it being a mid level issue in this case because the other partner has had bad experience with alcohol, but I heartily believe that there are many, many people out there who can drink and never develop a problem.  This can be heard to learn for people who’ve seen the dark side of alcohol, but it’s true.  On the side where you wish he’d do it less for his health, well, I think most people have one partner or the other who wish they’d make a health realted change.

     

    Pot smoking:

    Similar to alcohol.  

     

    Religion:

    It’s not like one is religios and the other is not.  it soudns like the athiest needs to learn to be more respectful and tolerant of others (a judgey atheist is just as annoying as a preachy religious type).  But there isnt’ a fundamental differnce if one person isn’t religious.

    Post # 38
    Member
    77 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    Combined, dealbreakers. I know, yadda yadda about not changing who you are and all that, but coming from a guy, guys know that your identity and your behavior aren’t the same thing. If you love someone, and you know something you do hurts them and ruins their whole day, the fact that you love them in and of itself is enough to get you to try to moderate the impact of your behavior on them. 

    Some things can’t be changed, but these three behaviors aren’t among them.

    Which means, if he’s unwilling to change them, he’s really saying “I don’t value you enough to place you ahead of my enjoyment of booze and pot.”

    And that should be a dealbreaker.

    As far as the atheist / religion bashing, that means he’s a tremendous douche, but *shrug* I’m not sure that’s a dealbreaker, if a constant scent of feminine hygiene is what you’re really after in life.

    My wife and I have very, very different religious views, but while I am traumatizingly sarcastic pretty much one hundred percent of the time, I DO make a significant effort not to say anything that’s actually hurtful.

    Because I love her, and I absolutely DO value her, more than the emotional satisfaction I’d derive from cracking a really good joke about some obscure point of religion.

    Post # 39
    Member
    5890 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2010

    Many people who use substances daily as a coping mechanism in their 20’s end up not learning how to deal with life. So they keep using. The 3 daily drinks and smoking pot at night turns into 5 then 7 drinks and the evening smoking turns into afternoon then moring smoking. They can still function, but they aren’t really participating with life. They are there physically, but not emotionally. How do I know? My dad is a daily heavy drinker and still functions. Kept a job etc. But what it did was keep him from emotionally connecting to me or my Mom. It suck and took me years of therapy to stay away from men who were emotinally distant.

    If nothingchanged, would you want to raise children in that environment?

    And seriously, if this guy used a prostitute while you were having problems, he is not aable to cope with life’s streses. What would happen if you got really sick (and couldnt have sex) and he had to be there for you sober 24/7. WOuld he be able to? He will say he can, but I doubt it. Test him and see if he can go 30 day without sex, drugs and alcohol.

    Post # 40
    Member
    1133 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    For me personally, the first one is a dealbreaker.  I am VERY against pot, and almost ended things with my SO when I found out he went behind my back and did it a few times while we were dating (since he’s known since day 1 it’s a dealbreaker). 

    The second is moreso a health concern for me.  I’m not against alcohol, I have a drink every now and then, but if it was affecting one’s health, then it could turn into a dealbreaker if they didn’t do anything about it.

    Third one is not at all important to me, as I am an Atheist myself, so I wouldn’t mind.

    Post # 41
    Member
    5373 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: June 2014

    View original reply
    @crayfish:  I agree with everything you’ve said (:

    #1 & #2 would be definite deal breakers. I think #3 could cause a lot of tension depending on the relationship, but wouldn’t be an automatic dealbreaker.

    Post # 42
    Member
    287 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    #1 is a huge dealbreaker for me.  I was actually in this situation and it ended our relationship (along with other factors).  My dad started using drugs when I was in hs and it was awful…then i had to watch him detox on the living room floor and cry about how he wanted to die.  My ex knew this. My ex knew that I would NEVER EVER EVER touch any drugs EVER because of my experiences.  My ex went behind my back and started smoking pot.  He admitted it to me after a few months (we had a long distance relationship while he was at school).  I tried to be ok with it.  It was very stupid of me to even try.  I wasn’t ok with it and never would be.  He said it wouldn’t change him…it did.  He said he wouldn’t do anything worse…he did.  I ran before I had to watch that whole cycle again.

    #2 would be a huge issue for me since I hardly drink.  I imagine have issues with alcoholics in the family would be similar to my situation with drug use in the family.  I’m glad my boyfriend doesn’t drink much.

    #3 I think this one could be worked out if both parties discussed it and the basher stopped bashing.  It could only work if they both respected one another’s opinion.  Not sure if that’s possible…but I could see that working out.

     

    Post # 43
    Member
    1251 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2009

    Numbers 1 & 2 would probably be dealbreakers for me. I don’t mind alcohol, in limited quantities, but I couldn’t be with someone who drank that much every single night. I don’t mind the pot thing as much; however, as it is illegal where DH and I live, I would NOT be okay with him (or me) smoking.

    Number 3 is definitely not a dealbreaker for me, because it is very similar to my own relationship. DH is atheist, and does bash religion in any form (and yes, he does this openly, except in my parents’ prescence out of respect). I am spiritual, but not associated with any particular religion.

    Post # 44
    Member
    989 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    #1 is a dealbreaker for me.

    Post # 45
    Member
    731 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    #1 and #2 would be dealbreakers for me… HOWEVER you mentioned that the partner who was concerned about the marijuana/alcohol use was always at odds with it “deep down inside,” or “secretly.” Before this would break a relationship, I would say the couple would have to have serious talks about these issues. Get them out in the open for discussion instead of letting it fester.

    #3 would probably require serious talks before it was a “dealbreaker” as well, but considering this is more about beliefs than behavior (harder to change beliefs than behavior), I would lead on the side of dealbreaker.

    Post # 46
    Member
    3088 posts
    Sugar bee

    This relationship will not work.  People tend to divorce for much less.  All of the issues are simply too major.  Marriage amplifies any problems that already exists so just imagine.  I would say that the two people are incompatible.

     
    And wait till kids come along (if that happens)!

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