(Closed) Long But need support from fellow Mom’s

posted 6 years ago in Parenting
Post # 3
Member
7366 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I don’t have a lot of advice, as I am in a similar situation with my ex husband and our daughter.  But I just wanted to tell you that YOU can’t make THEIR relationship happen.  It sucks but all you can do is not stand in the way.  Good luck.

Post # 5
Member
2559 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@MarryMeTiffany: My father ignores me and my younger sister and he only keeps in touch with my younger brother because he wants custody of him (aka – he hates paying child support and alimony to my mother so he’d prefer to make my brothers’ life miserable to save a few bucks). As you said, you’ll be able to say you really did try to support his relationship with his father, and while he’ll be hurt his dad didn’t care enough to stay in contact with him, having you supporting and loving him will be enough. I know from experience 🙂

Post # 6
Member
2891 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

It took me a while to get back to your post because I wanted to run this by my friend who was in your son’s position. She said it hurt worse to have her mom keep forcing the issue with her dad. He was such an infrequent part of her life growing up, with long absences between visits, which just highlighted the fact that she wasn’t wanted by her dad. She wishes her mom hadn’t tried so hard. It would have been much easier on her if her dad had just faded from her life. It made her feel like her mom and stepdad just wanted time alone and didn’t want her either.

I don’t know if that helps you. ((hugs))

Post # 7
Member
1993 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I don’t have children yet, but I just wanted to send Hugs your way.  Reading this made me think of a sweet little 3 year old man, and how I cannot imagine that someone could deny their child love and attention, especially at the sweet tiny innocent age of 3.  So today’s his birthday – will his bio dad call him or try to see him?  That is just so sad it made me tear up.  The little guy is only 3.  How can someone go about their business every day and act like they don’t have a 3 year old son?  You are in a tough position, and I would want to force a relationship too because I would never want my child to feel like their father didn’t “want” them.  You are protecting him, and as tough of a position as you are in, I just wanted to say you are clearly a wonderful mom:)

Post # 8
Member
46331 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Children grow up and they remember who was there for them and who wasn’t. Unfortunately many kids deal with the absent Dad syndrome ( some with absent Mom). You can’t protect him from his reality.

The one piece of advice I have for you is to never talk down your son’s Dad to him or in front of him. Your son is half his Dad and half you. If you speak ill of his Dad, he will interpret it as something also wrong with him.

Post # 9
Member
7312 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

I went through this with my ex and DS. After putting DS through the ringer for 4 years, I finally told the ex that it was time to man up or GTFO and leave us in peace. DS was clearly being hurt, and it didn’t seem fair to DS to let my ex walk in and out of his life and make it clear that my ex didn’t give a hoot about him. The ultimatum was issued, and the ex responded by walking away rather than being a real father to his child. That was almost 9 years ago, and DS is now 13. He is a smart kid with good morals and a ton of family support. He knows that he is loved, and that Mr. LK and I would do anything and everything to keep him safe and give him the opportunity for a bright future. He also still carries around some very painful memories of my ex. 4 year olds remember more than you think, and whenever DS brings up my ex (I never do), it is not in a positive light.

Only you know what is best for your child, so follow your instincts. My instincts told me that my ex was never going to change and would always make DS feel like the least important thing in the world. My instincts also told me that DS would be better off knowing that he is secure and loved by many than being constantly reminded that his father didn’t care about him. I can only say that I think I did what is best for my DS, and that everyone has a different situation. best wishes in sorting through your situation. It’s a sucktastic spot to be in.

Post # 10
Member
3368 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

@julies1949:  I second this advice. I’ve made a point to do this for my now 10 yr old. 

My oldest son’s biological father has been sporadic at best and unpredictable until about 6 months ago, and my son is 10.  I struggle with their relationship almost daily… wondering if I setting the right boundaries or handling it the best I can for my son.  Right now, my ex has a decent gf and he has been making regular visits, so I’ve relaxed and let them have more contact.  When DS was your son’s age, he had no contact at all with his father and if I had remarried at that time (knowing what I know now) I would have let my husband become the only father my son knows.  Why subject him to emotions of the unpredictable parenting when he’s got someone right there everyday?  I might get flack for this, but you have every right to say enough is enough with your ex.  There are times I wish I had not let my ex back in my son’s life.  I never know if it’s really good for my son or not.  If he (ex) starts to get wishy-washy again, I’ll tighten the boundaries again.  I wouldn’t make any decisions based on feeling hurt by another child in the picture, but ,instead, on the anxiety that all the unpredictable visits will cause your son. 

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