Post # 1
So I am in a tough situation that I can’t do anything about and I know in the future is probably going to bring alot of hurt to my son. So here is some background……
My son is 3 (today is his birthday) his bio dad and I have not been together since early in my pregnancy. His bio dad wasn’t around much in the first few months but after getting together with his now ex girlfriend he stepped up and helped out with the push of his gf. She was great with our son and really encouraged and supported the relationship between my son and his dad. Also my son has 2 sisters ages 15 and 17 from his previous marriage.
Fast forward to the present.
Shortly after my son turned 1 his dad broke up with the gf. He managed to somewhat stay in our son’s life until he got his current gf. Since he has met her he has gone long periods of time without seeing our son. He now hasn’t seen him for 8 months and the time before that it was 6 months with only seeing him 1.5 months in between the absent times. Now this is with me trying to contact him numerous times to set something up and give him updates on our son’s life. He doesn’t respond to any phone calls or text messages. So his new gf has a son who is 4 which is fine but what hurts me the most is my son’s dad has taken in this little boy as his own. Watching him while this girl goes to her bartending job and pretty much doing everything a dad would do. I can count the number of times he has watched our son overnight on 1 hand and that is by his choice.
When my son’s dad is absent I try my best to keep him in contact with his sisters. Lately they haven’t been seeing him much maybe once every 1.5 months. So Tuesday night at around 8pm they text me asking to see him Wed. We were actually busy and I had a dress fitting but decided I would drop him off at there house during my fitting and pick him up after so they could visit with him. As Im pulling out I see the current gf of my son’s dad pulling in behind me. I wasn’t positive it was her so I text the oldest daughter and say “Is Jane at your house” about 20 minutes later I get a response “Yeah she was dropping off Joe so we could babysit” At this point I am pretty mad but I kept it to myself and skipped the dress fitting to go and pick my son back up because I was just really uncomfortable with the whole situation at that point. Sure enough this little boy is in the house not only are they babysitting but he’s staying the night at the girls house (this is my son’s dad’s ex wife’s house). He acted as if he is always there. Just seems like the whole family has replaced my poor son with this little boy and it hurts. I just don’t know how I will explain to him when he gets older why he was replaced. It is his birthday today and do you think any of them have tried to wish him a happy birthday? No and they didn’t show to the bday party we had for him a few weeks ago. I texted his dad to remind him it was our son’s birthday with no response. Just so hurt and fustrated.
Post # 3
I don’t have a lot of advice, as I am in a similar situation with my ex husband and our daughter. But I just wanted to tell you that YOU can’t make THEIR relationship happen. It sucks but all you can do is not stand in the way. Good luck.
Post # 4
@eeniebeans:Thanks and I know I can’t make my ex want to be in our son’s life atleast when our son is old enough to start asking questions I will be able to in all honesty say I really did try to support his relationship with his bio dad. As of now my FH is filling the dad role and my son calls him daddy so I am very thankful for that.
Post # 5
@MarryMeTiffany: My father ignores me and my younger sister and he only keeps in touch with my younger brother because he wants custody of him (aka – he hates paying child support and alimony to my mother so he’d prefer to make my brothers’ life miserable to save a few bucks). As you said, you’ll be able to say you really did try to support his relationship with his father, and while he’ll be hurt his dad didn’t care enough to stay in contact with him, having you supporting and loving him will be enough. I know from experience 🙂
Post # 6
It took me a while to get back to your post because I wanted to run this by my friend who was in your son’s position. She said it hurt worse to have her mom keep forcing the issue with her dad. He was such an infrequent part of her life growing up, with long absences between visits, which just highlighted the fact that she wasn’t wanted by her dad. She wishes her mom hadn’t tried so hard. It would have been much easier on her if her dad had just faded from her life. It made her feel like her mom and stepdad just wanted time alone and didn’t want her either.
I don’t know if that helps you. ((hugs))
Post # 7
I don’t have children yet, but I just wanted to send Hugs your way. Reading this made me think of a sweet little 3 year old man, and how I cannot imagine that someone could deny their child love and attention, especially at the sweet tiny innocent age of 3. So today’s his birthday – will his bio dad call him or try to see him? That is just so sad it made me tear up. The little guy is only 3. How can someone go about their business every day and act like they don’t have a 3 year old son? You are in a tough position, and I would want to force a relationship too because I would never want my child to feel like their father didn’t “want” them. You are protecting him, and as tough of a position as you are in, I just wanted to say you are clearly a wonderful mom:)
Post # 8
Children grow up and they remember who was there for them and who wasn’t. Unfortunately many kids deal with the absent Dad syndrome ( some with absent Mom). You can’t protect him from his reality.
The one piece of advice I have for you is to never talk down your son’s Dad to him or in front of him. Your son is half his Dad and half you. If you speak ill of his Dad, he will interpret it as something also wrong with him.
Post # 9
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
I went through this with my ex and DS. After putting DS through the ringer for 4 years, I finally told the ex that it was time to man up or GTFO and leave us in peace. DS was clearly being hurt, and it didn’t seem fair to DS to let my ex walk in and out of his life and make it clear that my ex didn’t give a hoot about him. The ultimatum was issued, and the ex responded by walking away rather than being a real father to his child. That was almost 9 years ago, and DS is now 13. He is a smart kid with good morals and a ton of family support. He knows that he is loved, and that Mr. LK and I would do anything and everything to keep him safe and give him the opportunity for a bright future. He also still carries around some very painful memories of my ex. 4 year olds remember more than you think, and whenever DS brings up my ex (I never do), it is not in a positive light.
Only you know what is best for your child, so follow your instincts. My instincts told me that my ex was never going to change and would always make DS feel like the least important thing in the world. My instincts also told me that DS would be better off knowing that he is secure and loved by many than being constantly reminded that his father didn’t care about him. I can only say that I think I did what is best for my DS, and that everyone has a different situation. best wishes in sorting through your situation. It’s a sucktastic spot to be in.
Post # 10
@julies1949: I second this advice. I’ve made a point to do this for my now 10 yr old.
My oldest son’s biological father has been sporadic at best and unpredictable until about 6 months ago, and my son is 10. I struggle with their relationship almost daily… wondering if I setting the right boundaries or handling it the best I can for my son. Right now, my ex has a decent gf and he has been making regular visits, so I’ve relaxed and let them have more contact. When DS was your son’s age, he had no contact at all with his father and if I had remarried at that time (knowing what I know now) I would have let my husband become the only father my son knows. Why subject him to emotions of the unpredictable parenting when he’s got someone right there everyday? I might get flack for this, but you have every right to say enough is enough with your ex. There are times I wish I had not let my ex back in my son’s life. I never know if it’s really good for my son or not. If he (ex) starts to get wishy-washy again, I’ll tighten the boundaries again. I wouldn’t make any decisions based on feeling hurt by another child in the picture, but ,instead, on the anxiety that all the unpredictable visits will cause your son.