(Closed) Long but worth a try..

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
1900 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

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@Daffadowndilly:  I totally agree. OP, I know that you’re feeling hurt by a lot of what has happened with your future-in-laws and that’s fine. People aren’t in control of their feelings, and you’re entitled to feel whatever you want about these situations. What you can control, however, is how you respond to this.

Your Future Mother-In-Law doesn’t “let” you sleep over at your fiance’s house – as you said “Her house, her rules,” and it’s not as though she’s discriminating against you for the hell of it. Clearly your Future Sister-In-Law cannot get home as easily as you can and, if your Future Mother-In-Law and Future Brother-In-Law want any quality time with her, she probably will have to stay overnight.
Your Future Mother-In-Law has every right to create this rule and enforce as she sees fit.

Your Future Brother-In-Law is “cold” towards you – If I overheard you saying something negative to me to a third party (no matter how warranted you thought it was), cold would be an understatement of how I would act towards you following that. If you genuinely felt that you were justified in saying something like that, then saying it to his face, or getting your fiance to broach it with him would be your option. You don’t complain to mothers about their sons unless you’re looking for trouble.

Your Future Mother-In-Law trying to bring the family together – What’s wrong with that? She wants peace and harmony in her family, so of course she’s going to encourage you all to get along.

You don’t get along with your Future Sister-In-Law – That’s a shame. I’m pretty much the polar opposite of a member of my family too and, while we may not have any common ground, we can still get along and be polite to each other.

Your Future Mother-In-Law didn’t support your engagement – I’m hardly surprised from what you’ve said. It sounds as though you’re really struggling to fit into this family, and I can see her being upset about having someone marry into the family who doesn’t seem to get along with anyone else in it. However, as I said at the start, she has every right to feel upset about your engagement (everyone is entitled to their feelings/opinions). Perhaps she shouldn’t have told your fiance to delay the engagement (or made it so obvious that she was relieved when she next saw you), but if she was genuinely concerned about your and your fiance’s relationship, I’m not surprised she said something. What does surprise me, though, is that your fiance listened to what she said.

Your Future Brother-In-Law and Future Sister-In-Law getting engaged when you didn’t expect it isn’t necessarily to do with you.For all you know, your Future Brother-In-Law could have gotten the ring and popped the question because he was too excited – these boards are full of stories from women who got a “quicky” proposal, simply because their fiances were too excited to wait. It’s even possible that your Future Brother-In-Law though “[Fiance] wants to propose to his girlfriend, so if I get ours out of the way, that opens things up for them.”

They didn’t want to tally up their gift money in front of you – That sounds like pretty standard practice to me. I think it’s actually pretty rude to let everyone know how much money you received as gifts, especially if it means others may be privy to the amount specific people gave. Sure, you can be upset about it, but it’s really none of your business. And of course your Future Sister-In-Law and Future Brother-In-Law will get defensive and try to explain it if your Future Mother-In-Law has told them you were upset by this.

You told Future Mother-In-Law you were upset that Future Sister-In-Law and Future Brother-In-Law didn’t care about your proposal/wedding plans – Of course they’re going to act interested if you’re complaining that they’re not! And it sounds as though Future Mother-In-Law is bound to communicate more with Future Sister-In-Law because she gets along with her better. It sucks for you, but they don’t have to not communicate just because you don’t get along with them.

Your Future Mother-In-Law forcing you to go to Europe despite your wedding plans – Yes, here you definitely have a right to be pissed off. That is incredibly manipulative on her part, and her kicking your fiance’s car when she found out is just childish.

Your fiance’s birthday – If your Future Sister-In-Law isn’t comfortable with Future Brother-In-Law seeing strippers, that’s between her and him. Nothing to do with you or your fiance. It sucks he missed your fiance’s birthday, but the trouble with choosing to have a celebration at something “controversial” is that you will have people not attend.

Future Brother-In-Law and FSIL’s behaviour at your engagement party – This is also pretty disgusting, and you have every right to be angry at them. No matter how much they dislike you, they shouldn’t have acted this way. It sucks that Future Mother-In-Law sided with them; did she see their behaviour, or did someone she would trust see what happened?

 

It sounds as though there is a lot of drama going on here, and it sounds as though at lot of it is a result of miscommunication, misunderstandings and (in some cases) manipulation on both sides. It sounds as though, in the early days of your relationship with your Future Sister-In-Law, you two didn’t get along, and that has caused a lot more drama to arise between you and your future-in-laws.

 

 

Post # 48
Member
138 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I just read your post so I apologize in advance if I repeat something already said/answered.

It may be easier said than done, but just cut them out of your lives if you are not happy. I do not blame your Future Brother-In-Law and Future Sister-In-Law, though, for going into the room and counting their money as I would do the same thing, except I would just wait until everyone left. Your Future Mother-In-Law reminds me of my Mother-In-Law – drama, drama, drama. You need to let her know that, at this point, you just don’t care if anyone in his family who acts like 10 year olds come to the wedding, this is yours and your fiance’s day and you guys don’t want any sort of drama their. Parents should be happy for their son getting married. If you want a full blown wedding, DO IT! Don’t let them get their way. Everyone deserves the wedding they want to have and shame on them for trying to ruin the moment.

Does your Future Sister-In-Law, by any chance, have her parents around? Maybe she just wants a mother figure in case she doesn’t have one. But regardless, she has no reason to be making faces when the priest is blessing your rings, for crying out loud. What a child.

Post # 49
Member
450 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013 - Garden

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@angie3e:  I didn’t mean any offense, I’m just interpreting your post through my own eyes. I’m pretty zen, if there are people in my life that bother me I either cut them out or don’t let it worry me. The problem here is that you’re marrying into this family. Ony you and your Fiance know how to deal with that. I assumed you were posting here because you wanted to vent and needed some advice on how to deal with the situation. If these people are being cut from your life, it really has to be your FI’s decision. He’s the one who will suffer for it in the long run. If you’re both happy not to have them in your lives, then go for it.

But when you say that you want them to respect the decision and you’ll wear the consequences – your FMIL’s current behaviour is the consequences.

Post # 50
Member
11268 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

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@Daffadowndilly:  +100%.  i was thinking the exact same thing as i read this post.

 

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@angie3e:  trust me, i know what inlaws are like and you need to vent, i understand.  give it some space and some time.  just let everything settle down for a while then show them that you are the big person here.  ignoring their bad behaviour is not accepting it but shows them that you don’t need to stoop to their level.  perhaps you can be the positive influence that this family needs.  make this a personal challenge.

Post # 51
Member
47 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2011

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@angie3e:  

           Well… seems like the whole post (and all your comments after that) are about your fiance’s mother, brother and family. By some reason, seems to me like your whole world and happiness depend on what they do or what they think, but Why? I mean, I know we all got to have a certain aprpoach to the families of our fiance’s (that’s pretty normal) but another thing is that our whole world spins around our fiance’s family. Really, I don’t post this to be mean but I noticed that you’re concerned about your Future Mother-In-Law favouritisms and, by some reason, your are constantly pointing at your Future Sister-In-Law way of life (if she hasn’t a job, if she cleans or not, if she uses her mother for free coffees, if she posts this or that on Facebook, etc); this is all about secrets here and there or about who’s taking “their side” and who’s taking yours. There are no “sides” if you’re focused only in your life and your partner’s. Judging by the length of your post, you might be investing sooo much time and effort trying to get the reassurance on who are the “good ones” or the “bad ones” -I’m very sorry if I’m being mean somehow- Why in this post you don’t mention your family? Do you have parents or family of your own? Maybe you can include them more in your life and you coluld focus yourself more on the life plans you have for yourself and your partner, Right? I hope everything turns out okay for you.

Post # 52
Member
7369 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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@demodigital:
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@LadyElva:
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@Daffadowndilly:  ITA with all of you. I get that Future Sister-In-Law behaviour is questionable, but running around to Future Mother-In-Law expecting her to check her is a silly. Any issues you have w Future Sister-In-Law should be addressed with her directly. Their relationship dynamic clearly works for the both of them. You don’t have to agree with it and probably wouldn’t either. Just keep your distance but keep it cordial and worry about what you can control in situations, which is only yourself. 

Post # 53
Member
10 posts
Newbee

Sweetie, I read your whole post and couldn’t come up with something to say that would comfort you.

But, do keep fighting for it. Do not let those two ruin your special day. Even better, invite your Future Sister-In-Law and do your best not to even acknowledge her. So that they both see that they can’t influence on your happiness. Sooner or later they will find out that it is not you the one breaking the family.

The best part is that you have your partner by your side. Nothing else matters. 

If you knew what I would give to have such a supportive special one. Mine can’t even make a single decision without asking mom.

Anyway, I hope you have the best of weddings and that you be happy.

Hugs

Post # 54
Member
2393 posts
Buzzing bee

I read most of your post but toward the end I couldn’t keep going.

I’m sorry that hurtful things have been said and done, but honestly, all I could think was how much energy and time you’re spending on this.

If you weren’t spending all of this time and energy worrying about who’s being a jerk or who did this or that wrong — what could you do instead?

You are spending a lot of your energy worrying about things you have little control over. Frankly, I would let it go and focus on your relationship with your SO. If the family starts drama, just let them go at it and walk away. It sounds exhausting.

Post # 55
Member
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I read half and then skimmed the other half because I couldn’t bear to read more about your FIL’s awful behavior before telling you: distance yourselves from these people, girl! If you stay in this situation and continue to consult your Future Mother-In-Law on your FSIL’s behavior, then you are feeding into the drama and are partly to blame for your unhappiness. Does it suck that they’re crazeballs? Yes, of course. But as long as your fiance is on your side, there is really no reason for you to continue beating yourself over the head trying to turn this situation around. Cut your Future Brother-In-Law and his wife out of your lives as much as possible. Same with your Future Mother-In-Law. Stop trying to change their behavior. Be polite but don’t engage. And for god’s sake stop consulting your Future Mother-In-Law about your FSIL’s behavior. Both sound mentally unstable. I’d recommend eloping or having a destination wedding and only inviting your close family.

Post # 56
Member
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

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@Daffadowndilly: & 
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@LadyElva:  +1,000

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@angie3e: I just got around to reading the comments, and it’s clear to me that you are caught up in the midst of this and struggling with a lot of emotions around the situation, which are totally understandable and justified given the circumstances. However, from what you’ve described here, it seems just as clear to me that you are not blameless, either. You are angry with your Future Brother-In-Law & Future Sister-In-Law over talking behind your back, but it sounds like you’ve done exactly the same thing–talking to your Future Mother-In-Law about your Future Sister-In-Law, insulting your Future Brother-In-Law, openly judging them for how the choose to handle their shower, etc. I’m not saying that to make you feel bad, or even to suggest that I or anyone else could’ve done better. I’m sure that you are doing the best that you can in an awful situation and you have every right to vent. But you need distance from this situation before you can move forward in any sort of productive way, IMO. You say that you just want the family to leave you alone, but based on your posts, it seems you want much more than that. You sound jealous of your Future Sister-In-Law and how your Future Mother-In-Law treats her. That’s fair, but that won’t be solved by “just being left alone.” I would recommend taking some time to cool off, loosen your ties with your Future In-Laws, and then assess the situation based on what you can control, and what you can’t. 

By assuming the role of the persecuted victim in all of this, you take away your own power. You have the power to walk away from all of this drama, as long as your SO is open to cutting ties with his family. You don’t *have* to visit his mom every week. You choose to. There will be consequences if you don’t (she may be angry, yell at you, etc.), but nobody is tying you up and dragging you along. Your choices have power, and it seems like in the drama of this, you are losing sight of that.

Things that you can control: Your reaction to the drama, who you choose to spend your time with, who you invite to your wedding, what kind of wedding you have, what your decorations look like, whether and where you choose to go on vacations (and who you go with), what you say to other family members. Things you cannot control? Other people’s reactions to your choices–what they say, what they feel, and how they behave towards you. You can control how much time you spend with your in-laws, but you will never be able to turn your Future Mother-In-Law into the picture-perfect, caring, loving Mother-In-Law that we would all love to have. That’s just not within your power. You can alter your behavior to make it more likely that she is kind towards you (and if you are interested in that, I’m sure the bees can certainly give you some advice on how to do so), but you ultimately can’t control her choices. You’ll save yourself a lot of heartache and frustration if you accept what you can’t change, embrace what you can, and try to let go of your anger.

Post # 57
Member
167 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

What a crazy situation. What I don’t get is why do you and your Fiance let his mother have so much say over what you do? He should have proposed when he wanted to, you shouldn’t have gone to europe if you didn’t want to, and if you don’t want to invite Future Sister-In-Law to the wedding then don’t. His mothers reaction is up to her. Why not have a rehersal dinner or something with your nice family, then have a church ceremony then go straight on your honeymoon? I’d invite FIs whole family (including FSIL) to the ceremony and not let them now they are why you aren’t havin a reception. Make your own decisions, don’t get involves in discussions about them and leave it to them to come or not.

Post # 58
Member
2295 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Seriously, everthing in the first post aside

The Future Sister-In-Law and her fiances family accused her of being a drug addict and breaking the law

How does anyone miss that in this thread? Im sure if anyone turned it around and asked the many brides here to invite a family member that had accused them of being an addict and breaking the law they would raise an eyebrow or two.

At the end of the day, I will always be of the mindset that no matter what, just because someone is family, doesnt give them a license to treat you like shit. The fact that they took Christmas DAY as the perfect time to throw your fiance out, shows alot about how important that relationship is to them. I would cut ties, and never look back honestly.

 

Post # 59
Member
7369 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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@Bellanouva: I get her anger. that was a shity thing for her Future Sister-In-Law to say. if she doesn’t want to invite her, don’t. ITA that family doesn’t give one an automatic pass to treat people poorly. But what she can’t do as 
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@pookiesmom: pointed out is play victim as if she has no say or responsibility in the decisions that she and her FH could have made differently. It takes two. I have difficult family members as well and I had to learn my patterns and how I contributed to negative situation. For years I behaved as if it was everyone else doing to me. Its not easy to do an honest self assessment of how you contribute to the drama, whether it’s passively or actively.

Post # 60
Member
1646 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

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@angie3e:  I feel your pain. My boyfriend’s brother is dating a real witch (I posted about it once on here). Long story short, we’ve known one another since we were 3 and, even then, I didn’t like her. I held my tongue and was nice (and supportive) when they started dating, but its been 3 years and no one in the family likes her. At all.

I really don’t have any advice. Personally, I’d want to smack the shit out of your Future Sister-In-Law (like I want to smack the shit out of mine), but that wouldn’t help matters. I say, let your partner handle his family from now on. Don’t offer any personal information to Future In-Laws, even if they’re on their hands and knees begging. Keep your distance and let your partner handle things; and, if he decides to cut off contact or not invite them to the wedding, support his choice and thank whatever God(s) you believe in for your luck.

Post # 61
Member
12245 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

It could be worse. I swear to GOODNESS this is true.

My 31 year old Future Sister-In-Law intentionally got pregnant with her fiance.

Her father then BULLIED HER INTO GETTING MARRIED WITHIN THE MONTH.

She wanted a party in the back yard of the home she owns with like 200 people, but he bullied her into getting married that month with 10 PEOPLE INVITED.

As if that wasn’t horrible enough, he then told me and my Fiance we didn’t have to go, since we “were probably busy doing something”! Seriously! What is more important than your DAUGHTER’S WEDDING? Her only wedding, by the way! She had never been married before!

My Future Mother-In-Law was talking to me about how she was “considering buying a dress” but “probably wouldn’t unless she decided she was going to (FI’s cousin’s) wedding in July”! Then, in the next breath, was telling me how excited she was to drop SERIOUS money on her MoG dress for our wedding!

I am SO happy they like us!

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