(Closed) Long distance AND abstinence???

posted 6 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
3246 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@LMP2013:  Ugh, that sounds like a very uncomfortable situation. I’m sorry you have to go through this!! 

I went though several years of being with different guys and being fairly strict about what was OK and what was not, because I had the conviction that I only wanted to cross certain boundaries with someone I love, who loves me, and with whom I have a stable long-term relationship. So I can understand the need to put limits on yourself. When I found someone who was committed to me, and to whom I was committed, and it felt right, my boundaries changed.

BUT, I think that it’s entirely natural to want sex of some kind with someone you love and desire, regardless of whether you’re married or not– but I don’t have a value system that asks me to abstain from sex if I’m unmarried/not engaged– I think that if you love someone and are committed to them, sex and sexy behavior are OK! But, I think you and your SO, particularly, have rather different boundaries than I do, from what you’ve said about his/your moral decision to abstain– and I completely respect that. 

The thing is (and I really don’t mean to sound rude or unpleasant by saying this :)), you and your SO agreed to abstain from sexual activity. It sounds like he’s more interested in sticking to the decision than you are (sounds like it was his idea in the first place)– so from what you said, it seems like he’s got more invested in sticking to this than you do. (I’m definitely not trying to be insulting to you– just putting ideas out there!) Thus, when you ask him to change the way you two decided to behave, he’s being pretty resistant, probably because of his underlying reason to do this at all; if it was a very serious commitment to change your behavior as a couple, I can understand why he is rejecting your requests for sex, especially since he thought of it first. He has a strong-enough feeling about this to reject his lovely, sexy girlfriend’s advances, which I imagine is probably physically and emotionally rather unpleasant for him!

That said, I also TOTALLY understand how, even though it was basically a mutual decision to not have sex, you feel rejected and hurt when he turns you down. That, I think, is COMPLETELY normal and how I would feel in a similar situation. Plus I think that depriving oneself of closeness, intimacy, and stress-relieving activities with your partner isn’t the greatest, unless doing so before marriage or for some other reason gives you major mental, emotional, or spiritual pain, in which case it’s a trade-off and both partners need to decide, and communicate about, what is more important to them. 

My suggestion would be to talk to him and say you’d like to reevaluate the decision you both made, because it doesn’t feel like the right one to you now (or something like that). Also, if both of you decide to continue abstinence, I think it would be helpful for you to agree on an end-date or something. Maybe not a goal that has to be reached first– because goals can get delayed for a zillion reasons and I can imagine that kind of situation potentially becoming very contentious.

Have you asked him, or do you know, exactly why he suggested this? Perhaps, if you don’t already know, hearing him tell you his reasons more clearly will help you deal with your mutual decision.

Good luck, and I hope you work through this!

Post # 4
11422 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I just wanted to ask:  Did either or both of you make this decision to try to “be good” based solely on something you were “taught” by others while growing up, or are you both doing this now because one or both of you currently has/have a strong personal relationship with God and you desire to be obedient to His commands, even if they clash with your own desires?  The reason I am asking this is that if your only motivation is the former, you are going to have a much more difficult time sticking to your resolve than if your motivation is based on a desire to obey and honor a Holy God.

My Darling Husband and I had an LDR the entire time we dated (we met online and lived in different states), and we are both very strong Christians who were committed to not compromising in the area of sexual purity.  My Darling Husband had been married before, so, I’m sure abstaining from sexual contact with me was somewhat more difficult for him than it was for me, since I was a virgin until after we were married. Of course, when we saw each other, we definitely felt a powerful desire for more than kissing. However, we both knew that absolutely nothing good would come of our taking a path that would only result in our grieving God and causing grief to each other. We knew that as much as we desired to experience that type of fulfillment, it was wrong in God’s eyes. We also knew that if we ever slipped up and crossed a line, it would be extremely difficult to go back, so we were determined, with God’s grace and help, to not allow ourselves to be in a situation where that could have or would have happened. And I must say, I am SOOOOOOOOOOOO glad we made the choice that we made!

I just want to conclude by saying that, if you are both trying to honor God with this decision, you absolutely should not be trying to tempt him to go back on his resolve. You do not want to be in a position of trying to compete with God in the life of your man, because that is not the role that God would want you to play in your SO’s life. Your self esteem and security in the relationship should not come from your ability to make him want you more than he wants to honor the most important relationship that he will ever and should ever have — his relationship with his Lord.

Post # 5
203 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Having been in similar situations to this I just want to give a different point of view.  SO and I have been together for 5 years and have lived in different cities for four of those years.  I know that it can make you feel really self-concious or uncomfortable when he doesn’t reciprocate your advances (been there, done that and it feels terrible), but think of it this way (and I really truly don’t mean to be rude here) by trying to seduce and provoke him, you are pressuring him to do something that he doesn’t believe is right to do and that you decided together to abstain from.  If the situation was switched and it was a man pressuring a woman to have sex when she didn’t want to it would be a SERIOUS no no (regardless of their relationship status).  I think its important to remember that women arent the only ones who get to protect their morals and decide when to not have sex.  As his SO it is your responsibility to support him and his decisions (even the hard ones).  That being said, I’m sorry you are going through this, and I hope you get it all figured out!

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