- 4 years ago
Hi Bees. This will probably be long so if you have a few minutes to kill please keep on reading. SO and I have a relationship and lifestyle that are a bit complicated in an uncomplicated way. if that makes any sense at all. SO is German and lives there. I am Puerto Rican and live in the island. We shuffle back and forth. He spends part of winter and spring here and I spend summers there. Weather wise it’s awesome as we escape the most brutal parts of our native countries. Also when he comes here is when he can handle his business doing remote work. Same for me. When I go there is the time when I can handle my business by doing remote work. We try to spend most of the time together in either country but there are times when we are stuck between work and stupid immigration.
Sigh… I know immigration laws exist for a reason. And I do understand they make the world work maybe in a sort of balanced way. But at times it is frustrating and sometimes, certain parts are plain and simple stupid. He can spend 6 months here because he has a visa that allows him to do so. However, even with a valid visa, US immigration gets nasty and interrogates him as if he was a criminal. Every. Single. TIME. The more he comes here, of course the more suspicious it looks to them and they make it even harder. Sometimes it’s a wait of four hours at immigration offices to be interrogated after a 9 hour flight. Although we get the rules, I get annoyed that I am always welcome in such a nice way in Germany for being a US citizen and because of that, even if I want to stay, I can easily ask for an extension or special permit to stay longer. It sometimes gets me so frustrated that I think Germany should treat us the same way. I’m sure all the US Army and military people would be pissed if all their wives and kids are given a hard time to enter the country, stay there or simply have their butts sent back to the US (this happened to my MIL. WITH a valid visa she was sent back home and lost all the money of the air tickets). And I come from a military family where brother and sisters have served in the Army, Navy, and one is currently serving in the Air Force so I know how difficult things would be. Brother that served in the Army LOVED his time in Germany and always speaks about how easy it was to stay there if he wanted to. Anyway, done with the rant part. Let’s move to the next topic.
Today I was texting with SO as usual. Our way of communicating constantly when separated. SO has been speaking here and there about getting married. We’ve been checking rings online but no serious conversation about when or how it wil happen. We just know it will happen and we want to get married. In recent days he’s been speaking a little more about it.Part jokes, part serious. He was shocked when I told him it would take at least a year in advance to get a nice venue and make a wedding happen once we are engaged. It blew his mind. I guess men in general are totally oblivious when it comes to this things. As well as ring prices.lol So, today we were texting and we were speaking about going to Costa Rica for some dental treatment I need once he is here and he said GREAT because that way if we buy tickets now I can show immigration and they won’t give me such a hard time knowing that I’ll be out of the country pretty soon. I used a joke he’s been using and said, you just have to tell them that you are here to marry your girlfriend right at the airport! We both know that part is a joke. But he answered. YOU JUST NEED TO FINALLY CHOOSE a RING! He was dead serious about that. Kind of shocked me that he is pretty much waiting for me to decide on a ring. :-O I explained we needed to speak about budget and I’d like his input etc. He agreed and said yes, once I am there and we have our space and quiet it will be very nice to finally talk about this and move things ahead. OMG BEES, this is getting REAL! 😀
But then he suggested something that sort of left a bittersweet taste. Nothing bad. He just said. I am tired of all this immigration bull*** I just want to be with you. I could be there right now and I can’t because I need to wait until mid December for immigration reasons. Why don’t we get legally married and then choose a date for our real marriage where we’ll have our church ceremony and our wedding party?
I said no. I explained I did not want to get married because of external pressure or immigration reasons. I mean, it is not like he wants papers. He does NOT want US citizenship. No way he’d give up European Union citizenship for US one. That’d be really stupid given his business is there and family too. And Germany is not too keen on allowing dual citizenship. I know he wants to get married to me and later start a family. His parents are the nicest people and are very excited about the idea too. There is also a marked cultural issue here. In Germany anyway you have to go to city hall or court and get legally married first and THEN, weeks or even months later you get married in the church and have a party. Bride and groom enter church holding hands normally as they are married already and just need/want the blessing and then celebrate with family and friends.
BUT, bees I feel so conflicted about the idea.
On one hand I feel like doing the legal stuff and then maybe a year later have our ceremony and our reception party will make it less special. Like being legally married will take magic from the wedding. I’m normally a very easy going, very practical person. I don’t know why I feel like this but I do.
On the second hand, I feel sad that he just wants to be able to spend less time separated and more time together and I said no over a possible day feeling less special. I feel selfish and kind of stupid for prioritizing a day over our life and how much time we’ll get to spend the next year together being dictated by our governments :'( . He was ok and just rubbed it off. I think he gets me wanting our special day and respects my wishes but I still feel bad.
I just needed to share my feelings of YAY! *Possible* engagement SOON and also a little bit of internal conflict. And what better place to share all the wedding and engagement ups and downs that here on the Bee? Maybe another bee has gone through something similar