Post # 1
I’ve been in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend for 3 months and all is going well so far (5 months to go!). The only thing is we occasionally run into a mismatch of expectations when it comes to ‘quality time’. Since becoming LDR, we’ve had two visits together. The first time, he visited me for a week. We planned a trip to a nearby town & had a really romantic time, lots of exploring and nice dinners together etc.
This time though I visited him and he was seriously jetlagged. We only had two days together and this is what we did:-
Day One: Made breakfast pancakes together then went shopping together & spent the afternoon exploring the city/in cafes. At night we went to the cinema and boyfriend fell asleep, oh dear…
Day Two: We went to spend time with his family friends, which included watching a rugby game (not my thing, but I liked the people, the idyllic surroundings and it made him happy). However after several hours spent together I just wanted to spend our last night together for another 1 1/2 months having a nice dinner together and relaxing. That was the plan. However on the train home his old uni mates got in touch asking if he wanted to go out for beers (all guys). He asked me if I wanted to do that right after eating (which would have meant 0 relaxing & more travelling too) & I said no. He seemed a bit grumpy about this to be honest. In the end, my boyfriends eyes were closing during dinner then he fell asleep straight after!
But this has happened before. Friday night we were planning to have a meal together and watch a movie. Then his mate calls asking him to go out for beer and he asks if I want to do that instead? It annoys me because it makes me feel I’m making him stay home with me, when he’d rather be out doing things he deems more fun. Then I feel like he’s just staying in with me to make me happy! I’d also just like to say I do spend time attending dinners, parties and trips with him.
Am I being silly? Should I be asking him to plan more things just the two of us together during LDR visits?
Post # 2
If he commits this time to you that time is committed and not up for grabs. If he can’t make that commitment he’s not worth your time.
Post # 3
I got a bit annoyed and asked him if quality time wasn’t as important to him. He said it was, and that he’s just happy spending time together what it entails.
I know my boyfriend loves me but he is also a major extrovert that feeds off spending time with others. I am somewhere in the middle, I love spending time with people but I NEED to have one one one connected time with him to feel like the relationship is replenished – especially when we are LDR right now.
Post # 4
He should really be able to plan what little time you have together with just YOU. He can go out with his friends aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall the other days you’re not with him. You should probably let him know directly that when you’re visiting each other–ONLY given that this is a LDR–you’d prefer to spend the vast majority of that time alone with him. If he thinks that’s a problem, if the MANY other days when you’re not around aren’t enough time for him to have with his friends, then… you’ve got a bigger problem on your hands, Bee.
Post # 5
Thanks. These friends rarely call him to catch up because they are ‘old friends’, a few of whom live further away now. In the end he managed to catch up with them after I left, but I was left realising our expectations were somewhat misaligned.
Oddly the exact same thing happened to my friend when she visited her LDR boyfriend for 2 days. He wanted her to accompany him on his usual plans and she was expecting more quality time!
Post # 6
I guess this comes down to what is considered “quality time”. I think the best parts about LDR when being together is doing the nromal everyday things like cooking, meeting fmaily and firiends I also understand wanting to spend time just the two of you. It sometimes suck to be “single” and going alone to see friends because in LDR your partner is not present. And I loved it when my partner integrated me to his everyday activities so that time with me wasn’t “special”. It’s in teh end what we wanted. The rime together to be normal and not special There is a room for compromise here. You have to communicate and discuss your expectations for each visit.
Post # 7
So what is a fair way to compromise do you think? On day one he did cook a fancy breakfast for me and suggest plans in the city.
But I guess on day two I was very aware it was our last day together for a long time and having spent the afternoon with his family friends, I just wanted to be together. I was also feeling quite down about being separated again.
Post # 8
i was editing my post while you responded. To me it seems like he wants to include you to his everyday things and you want it to be more romantic and special. Agree that on day 2 it will be just the two of you and it will include nice romantic dinner. Day one spending time at the pub with friends. Or whatever it is that you woul want. If you have different expectations for your meetings, talk about it and make a plan.
yes the day before leaving makes things always more dramatic. I’ve been there for a long time. The last day blues effect us differently and we all handle them differently. Myabe you two just have a different approach
Post # 9
One word that I cringe when I see is ‘expectations,’ because it means that someone is hoping for/planning for another to act one way and they rarely do. I have been disappointed many times when I had expectations, and I’ve found the easiest way to deal with this is to talk to the person openly. On a phone call before your next trip, ask if he has any must-do plans for the two of you, and say that you are hoping at some point to get some quality time (define what you mean by this). Once your hopes on what you want the visit to look like are out there, they no longer become expectations and become tentative plans.
Post # 10
It sounds like on the2nd visit, you only had 2 days together, and he wanted to spend one those days with old college friends and family friends/at a rugby match?
That doesn’t feel right to me, given you’ve seen each other twice in 3 months. I think that sort of thing is a lot more acceptable with a longer visit but when you’re just there for what sounds like a weekend, I think it’s reasonable to expect a lot more 1×1 time.
Post # 11
I think communication is key here! Don’t ask him if he needs quality time, tell him what YOU need. My partner is an extrovert, and his idea of quality time was quite different from mine. Also, his idea of quality time is to stay in bed and watch YouTube videos together. So I told him what I needed and my idea of quality time. We came to a compromise, and it works well for us!
Just don’t expect his needs to be the same as yours. And don’t expect him to ready your mind, if you want something special, tell him! Next time you visit tell him ahead of time what you want, and you won’t be disappointed 🙂
Post # 12
We were formerly LDR.
We lived four hours away from one another so usually we saw each other one or two weekends a month, alternating who travelled. There were times we would do things with his friends or family but that was more because they wanted to meet me or he wanted me to meet them. Same was true when he came to visit me, it was important all my VIPs get to know him.
Have you met the friends? Could it be he’s trying to introduce you to these people and see how you mesh?
Post # 13
DH and I were long distance (while dating) for a year. Complete opposite sides of the country so we saw each other about every other month. The first one or two visits we planned out all these crazy things and packed our days filled with activities, after that things settled down and we did our “normal” stuff that we had down when we lived together before- movies, TV or movie binges at home, etc. It got too expensive to travel and do all this crazy stuff.
However, when I visited him, he gave me ALL his time, and vice versa. We were just lucky that we were both aligned with that thought process from the beginning. But believe me, a little communication will go a long way! Let him know about how you would like to spend the time and let him know that you understand he wants time with his friends, but the time you have with him is limited and you would like for it to be private. I don’t think you’re being silly- I wouldn’t have liked that either.
Post # 14
- Wedding: August 2018 - Banquet Hall/Conference Center
Mmmm I used to be all about alone time in my LDR. But then I realized that in order to gain real development in our relationship, we were also going to need to make an effort to meet each others friends and family especially as we began to get serious. Lucky for us we get to see each other every 6 weeks or so, but earlier on it was really hard. You need to learn how to balance the time and do half-half. Maybe Saturday spend with people and Sunday cuddling by yourselves?
Post # 15
You guys need to have an honest conversation about it! And try to understand if it’s important to him for his friends to get to know you, too. My husband and I had 2 years of long distance while dating, and it is so important to purposefully communicate.