Long distance expectations & time spent together – thoughts?

posted 3 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 2
Member
7805 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

If he commits this time to you that time is committed and not up for grabs. If he can’t make that commitment he’s not worth your time. 

Post # 4
Member
1224 posts
Bumble bee

He should really be able to plan what little time you have together with just YOU. He can go out with his friends aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall the other days you’re not with him. You should probably let him know directly that when you’re visiting each other–ONLY given that this is a LDR–you’d prefer to spend the vast majority of that time alone with him. If he thinks that’s a problem, if the MANY other days when you’re not around aren’t enough time for him to have with his friends, then… you’ve got a bigger problem on your hands, Bee. 

Post # 6
Member
1533 posts
Bumble bee

I guess this comes down to what is considered “quality time”. I think the best parts about LDR when being together is doing the nromal everyday things like cooking, meeting fmaily and firiends I also understand wanting to spend time just the two of you. It sometimes suck to be “single” and going alone to see friends because in LDR your partner is not present. And I loved it when my partner integrated me to his everyday activities so that time with me wasn’t “special”. It’s in teh end what we wanted. The rime together to be normal and not special There is a room for compromise here. You have to communicate and discuss your expectations for each visit.

Post # 8
Member
1533 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
rachel351 :  i was editing my post while you responded. To me it seems like he wants to include you to his everyday things and you want it to be more romantic and special. Agree that on day 2 it will be just the two of you and it will include nice romantic dinner. Day one spending time at the pub with friends. Or whatever it is that you woul want. If you have different expectations for your meetings, talk about it and make a plan.

yes the day before leaving makes things always more dramatic. I’ve been there for a long time. The last day blues effect us differently and we all handle them differently. Myabe you two just have a different approach

Post # 9
Member
121 posts
Blushing bee

One word that I cringe when I see is ‘expectations,’ because it means that someone is hoping for/planning for another to act one way and they rarely do. I have been disappointed many times when I had expectations, and I’ve found the easiest way to deal with this is to talk to the person openly. On a phone call before your next trip, ask if he has any must-do plans for the two of you, and say that you are hoping at some point to get some quality time (define what you mean by this). Once your hopes on what you want the visit to look like are out there, they no longer become expectations and become tentative plans.

Post # 10
Member
3042 posts
Sugar bee

It sounds like on the2nd visit, you only had 2 days together, and he wanted to spend one those days with old college friends and family friends/at a rugby match?  

That doesn’t feel right to me, given you’ve seen each other twice in 3 months.  I think that sort of thing is a lot more acceptable with a longer visit but when you’re just there for what sounds like a weekend, I think it’s reasonable to expect a lot more 1×1 time.

Post # 11
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

I think communication is key here! Don’t ask him if he needs quality time, tell him what YOU need. My partner is an extrovert, and his idea of quality time was quite different from mine. Also, his idea of quality time is to stay in bed and watch YouTube videos together. So I told him what I needed and my idea of quality time. We came to a compromise, and it works well for us!

Just don’t expect his needs to be the same as yours. And don’t expect him to ready your mind, if you want something special, tell him! Next time you visit tell him ahead of time what you want, and you won’t be disappointed 🙂

Post # 12
Member
10561 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

We were formerly LDR.

We lived four hours away from one another so usually we saw each other one or two weekends a month, alternating who travelled. There were times we would do things with his friends or family but that was more because they wanted to meet me or he wanted me to meet them. Same was true when he came to visit me, it was important all my VIPs get to know him.

Have you met the friends? Could it be he’s trying to introduce you to these people and see how you mesh?

Post # 13
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee

DH and I were long distance (while dating) for a year. Complete opposite sides of the country so we saw each other about every other month. The first one or two visits we planned out all these crazy things and packed our days filled with activities, after that things settled down and we did our “normal” stuff that we had down when we lived together before- movies, TV or movie binges at home, etc. It got too expensive to travel and do all this crazy stuff. 

However, when I visited him, he gave me ALL his time, and vice versa. We were just lucky that we were both aligned with that thought process from the beginning. But believe me, a little communication will go a long way! Let him know about how you would like to spend the time and let him know that you understand he wants time with his friends, but the time you have with him is limited and you would like for it to be private. I don’t think you’re being silly- I wouldn’t have liked that either. 

Post # 14
Member
1359 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Banquet Hall/Conference Center

Mmmm I used to be all about alone time in my LDR. But then I realized that in order to gain real development in our relationship, we were also going to need to make an effort to meet each others friends and family especially as we began to get serious. Lucky for us we get to see each other every 6 weeks or so, but earlier on it was really hard. You need to learn how to balance the time and do half-half. Maybe Saturday spend with people and Sunday cuddling by yourselves?

Post # 15
Member
294 posts
Helper bee

You guys need to have an honest conversation about it! And try to understand if it’s important to him for his friends to get to know you, too. My husband and I had 2 years of long distance while dating, and it is so important to purposefully communicate.

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