Post # 1
We got engaged in July of 2013 and immediately started planning. We picked the date of August 1, 2015 and told everyone. The wedding is long distance- about a four hour drive from my house, and not easy for everyone to get to. All the plans are in the works and we have the vendors picked out for that date. I’ve already spent the year planning.
There’s always something…my sister just told me she is pregnant. They, additionally, live across the country from where the wedding will be. At the time of their wedding the baby will be less than 3 months old. She is my Maid/Matron of Honor. Realistically they may not be able to come. Without getting into my whole mix of feelings right now…what do I do? Do I keep her in the wedding? Do I move the date (would lose a lot of money and vendors)? She would never leave the baby with a babysitter, and they will have to travel with the baby. Most people will disagree with me, and I already understand that- when my sister got engaged, me and my then boyfriend held off on the things we wanted to do (get engaged ourselves as we had been together longer and were ready to) until after their wedding. We thought that was a respectful thing to do. My sister has overshadowed every important event in my life in the past 10 years and at the moment, rightfully or not, I am angry. I would not do this to her. I have been waiting so long- almost 5 years- to get married and I am upset right now. I purposely planned things so far in advance so that this would not happen, keeping her in the loop on everything. Again, I understand most people will all come back and tell me how selfish I’m being and in this moment you’re right. I just need to know what changes I should make.
Thanks for any and all advice :).
Post # 2
lsmith0722: I don’t see the need to make changes. Travelling with a 3 month old is not impossible. They are still at the stage of mostly sleeping and eating. I see no reason to ask her to step down as Maid/Matron of Honor. She can nurse the baby just before the ceremony (if she plans to breastfeed) and if she is bottle feeding it’s not an issue.
Maintain the status quo for now.
Post # 3
My cousin’s twin sister (and MOH) is currently pregnant, and will have a 3 month old at the time of the wedding. They too live in another state and will be traveling for her sister’s wedding.
I would not make any changes.
Post # 4
Nope. Truck on. A 3 month old is easy at a wedding and there will be family around to help her, while she is there for you.
As for feeling over shadowed, I can see why you feel that way. But tell yourself this: “I have no control over ANYTHING in this world besides my attitude and reaction. Everything else, is out of my hands.” If you really think about that statement, youll begin to see that YOU can make yourself feel better about this. Its your day, don’t let yourself feel or think that ANYONE can take that from you.
Post # 5
I agree with previous posters. Do not move the wedding. Travelling with a 3 month old should be fine. (Although I think no one is suggesting this: a 3 month old is too young to be left with someone else, especially if she is breastfeeding).
I had a (nearly) 3 month old at my sister’s wedding and there were no problems. (We didn’t need to travel, but did travel somewhere else with her when she was 4 months old, again no problems).
I decided not to be in my sister’s wedding party. The official reason was the baby. The real reason was I was very conscious of my post baby body. I suggest you talk to her about whether she will be able to be Maid/Matron of Honor, and accept her decision either way. But don’t entertain the possibility of moving the wedding. If she can’t get there, carry on without her. If you move the wedding, there will probably just be some other life event next time as well.
Post # 6
lsmith0722: I haven’t read any replies yet, but I’d encourage you to keep your plans as is and if she’s able to make it, awesome. If she chooses to step down from the Maid/Matron of Honor role, I think she needs to do that soon so that you can make alternate arrangements. In fact, it may be best that she does step down, even if she plans to attend because she may not be able to predict how she’ll feel at that time with a newborn and shouldn’t over-extend her ability to commit to you.
Having said all that, a 3 month old baby would not prevent me from my sibling’s wedding 4 hours away.
Post # 7
so let me understand this, you wanted her to hold of trying to get pregnant till after your wedding next year. i find that very off and yes selfisg of you……. you need to let go off your ‘my sister has always overshadowed u for the past ten years’ and focus on the things that make you and only you happy, you only live once dont let negativity take control of big events in your life
Post # 8
cdncinnamongirl: thank you- I didn’t think yet to ask her if she still wants to be Maid/Matron of Honor.
What I didn’t say was that they actually live cross country from where the wedding will be.
Hopefully those who repcan have read the post and saw that I gave the courtesy of waiting for my sister to have her big event before moving on to my own. Especially when she has made a point of overshadowing me, I think most people could understand why I feel a little upset. I pirposely did a two year engagement as I knew she was ttc. Again, yet another instance of m trying to give her courtesy.
Post # 9
lsmith0722: I’m sorry but it doesn’t work that way. You can’t tell people when to TTC, even if you give them 2 years’ notice. It was nice, but unnecessary, to not get engaged before her marriage; but that doesn’t give you the right to expect her to delay TTC. There’s nothing to be gained from being upset over this – you just need to work with the situation you are in. There were some other major life events going on with other people at the time of my wedding – but my wedding day was still all about me and my husband.
Post # 10
Agree to disagree, but thank you for your input!
Post # 11
lsmith0722: Have your wedding when you originally planned it. You’ve been engaged for over a year now. But you cant tell your sister when she can and cannot conceive. From the sounds of it, they’ve been trying for a year. Whether she did or did not try to get pregnant for your wedding who knows. What matters most is to focus on the fact that you’re getting married. My husband and I just went ot a wedding two months ago where the maid of honor had her one month old infant at the wedding reception and nothing happened. I didn’t even notice until my husband pointed the baby out.
Stop rearranging your to fit your sisters and live your life the way you want to. Oh well, she’ll either be your Maid/Matron of Honor or step down. Truth be told (it’s damn hard being a Maid/Matron of Honor and being pregnant especially towards the end, at least it was for several friends of mine who happened to get pregnant and be a Maid/Matron of Honor for their bride). Just keep your date and move forward with your plans.
Post # 12
Many people get pregnant on their first cycle of trying. Many, many more do not. It took me over two years to get pregnant, so if I were your sister, your two-year engagement because you knew I was trying would mean nothing. It was a nice gesture on your part, but unnceccesary, and you can’t blame your sister for not getting pregnant when you thought she should. More than likely, she got pregnant as soon as she was able and was not trying to purposely upset/overshadow you. And if you think that she purposely DID get pregnant when she did specifically to steal your thunder, why would you even ask her to be you MOH?
Talk to your sister. See if she’s still comfortable being Maid/Matron of Honor. It might be more difficult for her, especially if she’s long-distance, to plan/attend wedding-related events, but it shouldn’t be impossible for her be there on your big day, especialyl with her husband there to help care for the baby.
Post # 13
lsmith0722: I’m sorry hon, I can see that you’re feeling very hurt about this, and I can understand why. The problem is that you’ve gone above and beyond the normal level of courtesy to give your sister the spotlight, and now she’s not doing the same for you. I can appreciate that this would hurt, but the problem is not that she’s done too little for you but that you did too much for her. There was no reason you had to wait for your engagement until after her wedding, any more than she should’ve waited to TTC until after yours. I imagine that your sister cares far less about the spotlight than you do, particularly if she’s never had to fight for it. She could very well have no idea that this is a concern for you and be completely oblivious to your frustration. Keep your wedding date where it is, she should be able to make it and if she isn’t you’ll still have a lovely day celebrating your marriage. Best of luck!!
Post # 14
I can’t believe your sister decided to get pregnant! She knows babies take 9months and she’d be ruining your wedding, she sounds super selfish 🙁
You need to NOT ask her to be in your wedding! Seriously, do NOT ask her! she will be way too busy with the new baby.
And do NOT move your date! This is your wedding and you’re not going to change things to accomodate her lifestyle choices!
Post # 15
“I would not do this to her.”
She didn’t do anything to you. I think you’re flipping out for no reason. If she hasn’t said she isn’t willing to be in the wedding anymore then I don’t see the problem. Relax and realize that life doesn’t stop because of your wedding. You knew she was TTC so I don’t get why this is such a shock anyway. TTC –> babies, that’s the point.