- 2 years ago
I think you’re doing him a disservice when you frame this as “his love is conditional.”
You should reframe this situation to “he loves me and wants me to be as healthy as I can be so that the relationship can be as healthy as it can be.”
You are making remarkable strides in the right direction! 50 lbs of weightloss, in therapy, starting to get a handle on your inappropriate behaviors… You are doing great!
But you should be doing all this work for your OWN happiness and ability to cope, NOT as a sort of bandaid to “fix” the relationship and “get” a proposal.
If he broke up with you tomorrow, would you love yourself enough to continue down this path to becoming more healthy and well-adjusted? Or would you sink back into a petulant self-pity party?
If your answer is “sink back into a petulant self-pity party,” then your motivation is in the wrong place.
You should be motivating this journey for yor SELF, not for your SO or the relationship, or to get pats on the back or “good girlfriend points” accumulated toward acquiring a ring.
I also used to be poorly adjusted. I also used to through myself pity-parties, take out my anxieties and insecurities on my partners, etc.
But I KNEW I wasn’t ready for marriage. I knew I wasn’t healthy. I knew any marriage I created while still unhealthy would be miserable and would end in divorce.
MARRIAGE WILL NOT FIX YOUR ISSUES.
In my current relationship, even when Fiance and I are at our MADDEST with each other, we STILL do small kindnesses for each other. He still cooks, I still thank him with real gratitude, I still clean up the kitchen, etc.
If Fiance fell apart every time we got into an argument, tried to guilt me and manipulate my emotions with tears and fits, stopped helping out around the house, etc., there is no way on earth I’d be marrying him in 3 months.
That’s not because my love is “conditional.” It’s because I won’t marry into any relationship that isn’t healthy regardless of how much I may love the person.
And a relationship can onnly be as healthy as its least healthy person… which is you.
A marriage is love PLUS commitment, and the commitment part would be a hard no from me if I didn’t think the other person was capable of holding up their end of the deal.
It only takes one person to check out for the relationship to fail, and I would not gamble my life’s happiness on someone who consistently showed themselves to be weak. It is too high-risk.
In your shoes, I would look into meditation and energy/breathing exercises, and work on getting my energy focused fully on my SELF. I would pour all of my energy into healing myself, growing myself, learning, enriching my own life, etc.
Minimize how important this relationship is in your mind. It’s taking up WAY too much space and is a source of seemingly nothing but negativity and anxiety.
If you TRULY dedicate yourself to growing and becoming healthier, your SO will likely respond positively in the long run.
But you have 3 years’ worth of terrible behavior to overcome now. That’s not going to happen in 6 months. He has to be able to TRUST your growth, and that takes time.