Long distance has killed my spark.

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
2495 posts
Buzzing bee

I think you’re doing him a disservice when you frame this as “his love is conditional.”

You should reframe this situation to “he loves me and wants me to be as healthy as I can be so that the relationship can be as healthy as it can be.”

You are making remarkable strides in the right direction! 50 lbs of weightloss, in therapy, starting to get a handle on your inappropriate behaviors… You are doing great!

But you should be doing all this work for your OWN happiness and ability to cope, NOT as a sort of bandaid to “fix” the relationship and “get” a proposal.

If he broke up with you tomorrow, would you love yourself enough to continue down this path to becoming more healthy and well-adjusted? Or would you sink back into a petulant self-pity party?

If your answer is “sink back into a petulant self-pity party,” then your motivation is in the wrong place.

You should be motivating this journey for yor SELF, not for your SO or the relationship, or to get pats on the back or “good girlfriend points” accumulated toward acquiring a ring. 

I also used to be poorly adjusted. I also used to through myself pity-parties, take out my anxieties and insecurities on my partners, etc. 

But I KNEW I wasn’t ready for marriage. I knew I wasn’t healthy. I knew any marriage I created while still unhealthy would be miserable and would end in divorce.

MARRIAGE WILL NOT FIX YOUR ISSUES.

In my current relationship, even when Fiance and I are at our MADDEST with each other, we STILL do small kindnesses for each other. He still cooks, I still thank him with real gratitude, I still clean up the kitchen, etc.

If Fiance fell apart every time we got into an argument, tried to guilt me and manipulate my emotions with tears and fits, stopped helping out around the house, etc., there is no way on earth I’d be marrying him in 3 months. 

That’s not because my love is “conditional.” It’s because I won’t marry into any relationship that isn’t healthy regardless of how much I may love the person. 

And a relationship can onnly be as healthy as its least healthy person… which is you.

A marriage is love PLUS commitment, and the commitment part would be a hard no from me if I didn’t think the other person was capable of holding up their end of the deal.

It only takes one person to check out for the relationship to fail, and I would not gamble my life’s happiness on someone who consistently showed themselves to be weak. It is too high-risk.

In your shoes, I would look into meditation and energy/breathing exercises, and work on getting my energy focused fully on my SELF. I would pour all of my energy into healing myself, growing myself, learning, enriching my own life, etc. 

Minimize how important this relationship is in your mind. It’s taking up WAY too much space and is a source of seemingly nothing but negativity and anxiety. 

If you TRULY dedicate yourself to growing and becoming healthier, your SO will likely respond positively in the long run.

But you have 3 years’ worth of terrible behavior to overcome now. That’s not going to happen in 6 months. He has to be able to TRUST your growth, and that takes time. 

Post # 17
Member
6437 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

Just as an FYI, having a meltdown once a month is a LOT. A LOT. I can easily see how that could lead to him feeling like he’s constantly walking on eggshells because he never knows when you’re going to flip out. I not only couldn’t marry someone like that; I couldn’t even BE with someone like that. If you cannot go to therapy to work on the issues, I don’t know what to tell you. I can tell you that I don’t blame him for dragging his feet. 

Post # 18
Member
371 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2020 - Windermere, Cumbria

echomomm :  Although I also usally have a meltdown once a month (although in NO way to that extent), generally involving an advertisement involving puppies or small children. 😀 

OP, I agree with pp – don’t compare. It doesn’t help – grass is always greener and all. It sounds like your SO dotes on you. Consider counselling to work through your issues.

Post # 19
Member
1142 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

 “I spend most of my time asking what I can give my boyfriend versus what I can get from him but sometimes I feel a little shortchanged.”

My boyfriend’s a good guy. He financially supported me for two years, paid for several (not all) plane tickets, paid for the open work permit application, and spends all his free time on the phone with me. His actions tell me he’s committed”

Post # 20
Member
11652 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Public Service Announcement: Please don’t call posters a troll. It violates the TOS. Thank you!

Post # 21
Member
480 posts
Helper bee

May i ask where you are from and where he is from? Regarding the amount of time he wants to wait before the proposal, and the fact that he wants to live together before he proposes might have cultural/social reasons. Where I live (Scandinavia) it is quite uncommon to propose within the the first year or before you have lived together for some time. It seems to be very different in the US, for example.

Post # 22
Member
1221 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - -

Um, need to sort yourself out and not think getting engaged/married is going to make your anxiety disappear.

Also, I’ve been engaged for 3 months and my fiancé and I have been together for almost 10 years, long-distance for 5 . . . 😑 waiting isn’t a big deal if you know things are good between you two and feel completely devoted.

Post # 23
Member
46 posts
Newbee

People are being extremely harsh here. 

I can see where your boyfriend is coming from for sure, but I also see where you are coming from too. Just because you have a meltdown once every couple of months he says he can’t live with that for the rest of his life? Are you wonderful in evrry other aspect? We don’t know these things but I find it hard to believe that having a meltdown once every couple of months and letting housework go for a day or two would make someone not want to get married. NOBODY is perfect. And especially you said you’ve gotten way better. 

Your boyfriend sounds like a really good person to be honest but I’m sure he has flaws just like you do. No relationship can be perfect without fights. Maybe Hes just not the ONE? It’s unlikely you’re going to change dramatically where you never have bouts of depression or anxiety. So if he can’t handle it now it’s not looking like he ever will to be honest. 

Post # 24
Member
709 posts
Busy bee

beejaymes :  I agree.

Honestly the OP sounds like she does her best to be loving and supportive girlfriend, and that is all any of us can do. She’s taking responsibility and working through her issues which is mature and is to be commended.

I don’t think at any point did the OP say this happens every month. She said it’s every couple of months, and that, in her opinion, it’s for good reason. I would like to know what these reasons are. Is he doing something to set her off? If it’s bad enough that it warrants spending the day in bed, this is a cause for serious concern. If it is not that bad, then she needs to learn how to communicate her feelings in a healthier way.

I’m a little concerned about this relationship. A well-known relationship coach says that the mark of a good relationship is a lack of anxiety. Good relationships make you feel secure. I agree with beejayme that he might not be the One. I’d want to know more about what’s setting these meltdowns off.

Letting the housework pile up for a day or so is not that bad. I’m getting the sense that she’s really upset and maybe feels unable to do the housework. 

Either way, I think her situation warrants a little more understanding and a little less judgment.

Post # 25
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee

indigobee :  

 

I agree.  I’d like more information about what triggers these meltdowns.  With my exh who was emotionally abusive I was often an emotional wreck and he used it as excuse for why we may not work out long term.

Since my divorce has been final I haven’t had a single meltdown and have had two boyfriends since who I haven’t even had a single fight with.

The problem was him not me, but I was being gaslighted for so long I didn’t realize it.

Post # 26
Member
211 posts
Helper bee

“while all I have are crying fits every couple months and spend the day in bed. Yet he says he can’t deal with that for the rest of his life. “

 

So if that’s just how you are then he needs to either except it or break it off.  You are who you are and there’s someone for everyone. Don’t worry about these women saying they feel sorry for him, they are clearly being heartless because at the end of the day no one is forcing him to be with you, so he needs to either decide to move forward or cut it off, stringing you along isn’t good

 

by the way you don’t sound obnoxious, you sound human, some people are perfect so you’ll have to excuse them, they don’t know what emotions are 

 

 

good luck to you

Post # 27
Member
1303 posts
Bumble bee

beejaymes :  abnihon :  mishastarlene :  I disagree with all of you and I don’t think the other Bees are being harsh at all.  Blunt, yes, but sometimes it’s necessary, especially when you’re asking for advice and cannot see the situation objectively.

The OP said she “blamed” her boyfriend for her outbursts, not that he caused it.  We don’t know what happened (as is usually the case in most of these kind of posts) so we can only go by the info provided.  She completely breaks down and cannot (or refuses) to do anything, like keeping up with the house, while her boyfriend supports her financially 100%.  I don’t care if everything else is lovely, I would give pause to wanting to deal with that the rest of my life….especially since the OP wasn’t doing anything to help herself.  Unfortunately those kind of outbursts can completely overshadow the good times.  It’s easy for sometime to act great when times are good – it’s when times are bad that when true character is usually seen.

Yes, the fact that the OP has maken strides in great.  But that doesn’t just erase all the memories of the outbursts.  It’s going to take time for her boyfriend to trust her.  She has to continue to improve, not as a condition for engagement, but for her own happiness first.

Post # 28
Member
211 posts
Helper bee

We can agree to disagree 🤷🏾‍♀️

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