Post # 1
Hi everyone, I’m in search of a bit of advice.
My bf and I have been together for almost 7 years, 4 of which have been long distance (around 4 hours apart). Previously I’ve been willing to move to him and he’s said the same. However, we’ve discussed that I don’t feel comfortable moving in with him without being engaged. Over the years, an engagement hasn’t happened. Meanwhile, I’ve been living with my parents up until this point. I’m nearing 30 and I’m ready to start my ‘adult life.’ For that reason, im currently in the process of buying a house (an apartment’s rent would’ve been similar in price to a mortgage and I hate the idea of ‘throwing money away’ every month).
Lately the distance of our relationship has been bothering me and I’m really craving all the things that a close relationship entails. Last night I talked to him about what’s our end game and how we plan to get there. When I asked him if he could see himself living here, he said ‘not at all.’ I asked if he could live here for a few years (I’d be willing to move to where he is now after gaining some equity in my home) and he said he didn’t want to outright say no but he didn’t know.
im scared that I’m going to spend more time with him and then when it gets to ‘crunch time’ he decides he can’t move here. I would love for our relationship to work but I can’t do 2 or 3 more years of distance and I don’t know what to do with a ‘maybe’ I’ll move at this point.
Post # 2
So why are you long distance in the first place? School? Work?
Rent isn’t just throwing money away if you have valid reasoning (it is also a seller’s market at the moment in most places in the U.S. so I’m not sure buying something you potentially are going to sell in a couple years to move to be with him is really a smart idea depending on the market a few years from now, but that’s always the risk you take).
So what has stopped you the past four years from renting an apartment in his city in order to see if this relationship is viable long-term? And what is stopping you now? You could get a roommate to cut expenses. Living in the same city for a year to determine the viability of your relationship and then figuring out your long-term plan together sounds like a perfect reason to rent if you truly want to be together and plan your future together. Otherwise, you sound like you are at the stage of “here is what I plan for my future – hop along for the ride or hop off.”
And what is exactly is your long-term plan? What is his long-term plan? It really sounds like neither of you have exactly considered the other when making you plans. It is possible that after all this time you just have incompatible goals.
Post # 3
This is difficult because on the one hand you’re upset that he can’t imagine himself moving to your location, but you are in the process of buying a home alone where you currently live so really you have no intention of moving to him either.
Post # 4
zzar45 : I don’t think I’m ‘upset’ with him per se. And I haven’t been unwilling to move to him. I’ve always made it clear that if we get engaged, I’m there tomorrow. But after years of that not happening, I just feel at a standstill with my progression personally. Like I’m just sitting around waiting for him to propose for my ‘adult’ life to begin. And I’m over that at this point which is why I started working on making steps myself like homebuying. I understand why he wouldn’t want to move; I wouldn’t ‘want’ to move. But at this point, I just don’t see how we make it work if he refuses to come here.
Post # 5
This is tough. You’ve been together fir 7 years and he still hasn’t proposed. You can’t keep putting your life on hold. If he wanted you there I think he’d finally propose. My fiancé and I were long distance for over a year and a half…I was in CA and he was in Michigan. He wanted me to move to him and I told him no way I’m moving across the country unless you actually want to marry me. Then he proposed when I was visiting him. So I moved. But I don’t blame you for not wanting to move to him when he still hadn’t even committed to you.
Post # 6
dromy2 : Do you see this relationship progressing any further? It seems as though it may have run its course. You’ve asked him about moving to be closer to you and really I think his answer is no. He just didn’t want to tell you that. So if his answer is no what would that mean for your relationship? It’s apparent that he is comfortable with things being the way they are. Most people would have tried to move closer to each other to lessen the distance. It’s been 4 years and you guys still dont’ live in the same town or closer to eatch other.
I think you need to be honest with yourself and figure out if this is the relationship for you? It seems to be stagnant at this point and you are giving him more power than he should have. When you mentioned moving to be closer him but wanted an engagement first what was his response? Did he give you one? I think you need to have a walk date. You’ve already invested 7 years into the relationship but what direction is it going in? He still can’t tell you anything. He should have answers by now.
Post # 7
dromy2 : I’ve always held the belief that a LDR needs a date or goal when upon the distance is done in order to survive. There must be a plan to close the distance and continue the relationship.
You don’t have that, and are understandably questioning why you both continue this limbo. Something has got to give. Either you move (which requires him proposing), he moves, neither move and you keep suffering, or neither move and you end the relationship. Have a discussion with him about where this is going. If you can’t come to an agreement (which neither one of you is to blame for) then reevaluate whether you should continue the relationship.
With my LDR, after 2.5 years, I moved. BUT it made sense education/career wise to do so, and I had a lot more flexibility in my life than my SO. We also had agreed on engagement, marriage, and kids timelines, and were engaged within 6 months after I moved in.
In your situation, someone needs to budge otherwise you’re not going anywhere. Best of luck.
Post # 8
If your ready to buy a house and he won’t move to you but at the same time he won’t get engaged before you move to him. I think it’s time to move on. It sucks and I totally get holding off because you don’t have money or your finishing school some kind of reason. But I don’t see what he’s waiting for. I think your ready to start your adult life and he’s choosing not to join.
Post # 9
Honestly it doesn’t seem like this relationship is a priority for either of you. Not that either of you HOPE it will end, but it isn’t a priority. You decided to buy a house, without making sure first that he’d move to be with you, when you could have just rented or moved to be with him. To make a decision like that shows you aren’t 100% invested in the relationship. And he is saying that he won’t move to be with you, which means that he doesn’t prioritize your relationship over living where he wants to live, even if it’s just a few years. That’s all fine, no judgment on either side, you each have to do what’s best for you. But if this relationship is to move forward, or even continue for much longer, one of you have to make a concession to be with the other, and it seems like neither of you are willing to do that. If that’s the case, it seems like it may be time to move on and find someone who is fully invested in you and who you are fully invested in.
Post # 10
dromy2 : This really doesn’t sound too promising bee, since neither of you seems to have any immediate plans to bridge the gap. While I don’t think living together is a requirement before getting engaged, I do think at least living in the same town aould be really useful. Did you ever consider moving to his town and getting your own place there? If that’s not an option, and he continues to be unwilling to move to your place – I’d honestly cut your losses and break up. It just doesn’t sound like this relationship is going anywhere.
Post # 11
When you talked about not moving until after engagement, did he agree with this idea? Or is he someone that would prefer to live with someone first before proposing? Or at least live in the same city first?
What is his reasoning for not wanting to live in your area?
ETA: This doesn’t sound promising as PPs have said. Neither of you seems willing to make the other a priority or compromise.
Post # 12
Is it possible that he’s not feeling ready to get engaged to you because the distance has kept you two from having a truly emotionally-intimate relationship, at least as far as he’s concerned?
Post # 13
You are at an empass, Bee. It sounds like you’re having a difficult time letting go of this relationship. What are the options? Move to him? Off the table. He moves there? Off the table.
Unless one of you is willing to budge on this, this relationship is dead.
My fiance and I had a similar issue at the beginning of our relationship. I was dead set on ‘no engagement, no moving in together’ because of previous failures. Upon further reflection, I realized that Dan is actually who he says he is and isn’t a POS. He also hadn’t had a previous live in Girlfriend like I had so he didn’t have all these negative preconceived notions like I did. So, while I was in the middle of houses, I lived with him for about 2 months. That was enough for him to make up his mind about me. And we made plans to get engaged, and married.
If you really think this relationship is still viable and there are no other red flags you are ignoring, tell him you want to come to a compromise because you’re not willing to let him go yet. Would you be willing to get an apartment out there for a year? Try it out? You wouldn’t be living with him, BUT you would be closer to see if this thing really has lasting potential.
Good luck Bee.
Post # 14
You’re right; your life is on hold. You’re approaching 30, still living with your parents, and waiting on your bf of nearly 7 years to finally man up and commit to you. Why have you let him have so much control over the progress of your life for so long?
Post # 15
annabananabee : He moved here to go to school before we met. After he graduated, he moved back home. We had been together for 2 years at that time. He didn’t move for any job or anything in particular, he just wanted to live back at home.
Honestly, I’ve just never been interested or comfortable with moving to another state without the commitment of an engagement. That’s just something that I’m not a fan of personally.
When I’ve asked about his long term plan, it includes marriage and kids with me. The last time I asked about a timeline on that it was ‘not this year’ (2017) but ‘maybe next year.’