Long distance – he’s not sure he’ll move

posted 3 months ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 2
Member
3248 posts
Sugar bee

So why are you long distance in the first place?  School? Work?

Rent isn’t just throwing money away if you have valid reasoning (it is also a seller’s market at the moment in most places in the U.S. so I’m not sure buying something you potentially are going to sell in a couple years to move to be with him is really a smart idea depending on the market a few years from now, but that’s always the risk you take).

So what has stopped you the past four years from renting an apartment in his city in order to see if this relationship is viable long-term?  And what is stopping you now?  You could get a roommate to cut expenses.  Living in the same city for a year to determine the viability of your relationship and then figuring out your long-term plan together sounds like a perfect reason to rent if you truly want to be together and plan your future together.  Otherwise, you sound like you are at the stage of “here is what I plan for my future – hop along for the ride or hop off.”

And what is exactly is your long-term plan?  What is his long-term plan?  It really sounds like neither of you have exactly considered the other when making you plans.  It is possible that after all this time you just have incompatible goals.

Post # 3
Member
2933 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

This is difficult because on the one hand you’re upset that he can’t imagine himself moving to your location, but you are in the process of buying a home alone where you currently live so really you have no intention of moving to him either. 

Post # 5
Member
591 posts
Busy bee

This is tough. You’ve been together fir 7 years and he still hasn’t proposed. You can’t keep putting your life on hold. If he wanted you there I think he’d finally propose. My fiancé and I were long distance for over a year and a half…I was in CA and he was in Michigan. He wanted me to move to him and I told him no way I’m moving across the country unless you actually want to marry me. Then he proposed when I was visiting him. So I moved. But I don’t blame you for not wanting to move to him when he still hadn’t even committed to you.

Post # 6
Member
779 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2018 - Farm

dromy2 :  Do you see this relationship progressing any further? It seems as though it may have run its course. You’ve asked him about moving to be closer to you and really I think his answer is no. He just didn’t want to tell you that. So if his answer is no what would that mean for your relationship? It’s apparent that he is comfortable with things being the way they are. Most people would have tried to move closer to each other to lessen the distance. It’s been 4 years and you guys still dont’ live in the same town or closer to eatch other.  

I think you need to be honest with yourself and figure out if this is the relationship for you? It seems to be stagnant at this point and you are giving him more power than he should have. When you mentioned moving to be closer him but wanted an engagement first what was his response? Did he give you one? I think you need to have a walk date.  You’ve already invested 7 years into the relationship but what direction is it going in? He still can’t tell you anything. He should have answers by now.

Post # 7
Member
1223 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

dromy2 :  I’ve always held the belief that a LDR needs a date or goal when upon the distance is done in order to survive. There must be a plan to close the distance and continue the relationship.

You don’t have that, and are understandably questioning why you both continue this limbo. Something has got to give. Either you move (which requires him proposing), he moves, neither move and you keep suffering, or neither move and you end the relationship. Have a discussion with him about where this is going. If you can’t come to an agreement (which neither one of you is to blame for) then reevaluate whether you should continue the relationship.

With my LDR, after 2.5 years, I moved. BUT it made sense education/career wise to do so, and I had a lot more flexibility in my life than my SO. We also had agreed on engagement, marriage, and kids timelines, and were engaged within 6 months after I moved in. 

In your situation, someone needs to budge otherwise you’re not going anywhere. Best of luck.

Post # 8
Member
449 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2019

If your ready to buy a house and he won’t move to you but at the same time he won’t get engaged before you move to him. I think it’s time to move on. It sucks and I totally get holding off because you don’t have money or your finishing school some kind of reason. But I don’t see what he’s waiting for. I think your ready to start your adult life and he’s choosing not to join.

Post # 9
Member
797 posts
Busy bee

Honestly it doesn’t seem like this relationship is a priority for either of you. Not that either of you HOPE it will end, but it isn’t a priority. You decided to buy a house, without making sure first that he’d move to be with you, when you could have just rented or moved to be with him. To make a decision like that shows you aren’t 100% invested in the relationship. And he is saying that he won’t move to be with you, which means that he doesn’t prioritize your relationship over living where he wants to live, even if it’s just a few years. That’s all fine, no judgment on either side, you each have to do what’s best for you. But if this relationship is to move forward, or even continue for much longer, one of you have to make a concession to be with the other, and it seems like neither of you are willing to do that. If that’s the case, it seems like it may be time to move on and find someone who is fully invested in you and who you are fully invested in.

Post # 10
Member
6890 posts
Busy Beekeeper

dromy2 :  This really doesn’t sound too promising bee, since neither of you seems to have any immediate plans to bridge the gap. While I don’t think living together is a requirement before getting engaged, I do think at least living in the same town aould be really useful. Did you ever consider moving to his town and getting your own place there? If that’s not an option, and he continues to be unwilling to move to your place – I’d honestly cut your losses and break up. It just doesn’t sound like this relationship is going anywhere.

Post # 11
Member
6032 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

When you talked about not moving until after engagement, did he agree with this idea? Or is he someone that would prefer to live with someone first before proposing? Or at least live in the same city first?

What is his reasoning for not wanting to live in your area? 

ETA: This doesn’t sound promising as PPs have said. Neither of you seems willing to make the other a priority or compromise. 

Post # 12
Member
920 posts
Busy bee

Is it possible that he’s not feeling ready to get engaged to you because the distance has kept you two from having a truly emotionally-intimate relationship, at least as far as he’s concerned? 

Post # 13
Member
1634 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

You are at an empass, Bee. It sounds like you’re having a difficult time letting go of this relationship. What are the options? Move to him? Off the table. He moves there? Off the table. 

Unless one of you is willing to budge on this, this relationship is dead. 

My fiance and I had a similar issue at the beginning of our relationship. I was dead set on ‘no engagement, no moving in together’ because of previous failures. Upon further reflection, I realized that Dan is actually who he says he is and isn’t a POS. He also hadn’t had a previous live in Girlfriend like I had so he didn’t have all these negative preconceived notions like I did. So, while I was in the middle of houses, I lived with him for about 2 months. That was enough for him to make up his mind about me. And we made plans to get engaged, and married. 

If you really think this relationship is still viable and there are no other red flags you are ignoring, tell him you want to come to a compromise because you’re not willing to let him go yet. Would you be willing to get an apartment out there for a year? Try it out? You wouldn’t be living with him, BUT you would be closer to see if this thing really has lasting potential. 

Good luck Bee. 

Post # 14
Member
1468 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

You’re right; your life is on hold. You’re approaching 30, still living with your parents, and waiting on your bf of nearly 7 years to finally man up and commit to you. Why have you let him have so much control over the progress of your life for so long?

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