Long distance marriage

posted 2 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 2
581 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

I am going into my marriage knowing we will be long distance. 

He will be doing lab work for his PhD 2.5 hours from where I will be doing my PhD so he has an apt there that he shares with another married guy and he will come home Thurs to Sunday. We have lived together this past year and the whole time I treasured it because I knew we soon would not be together full time. We will be apart like this for at least 3 years. 

I harbor no resentment. But I guess because I knew this was coming and the sacrifice will be worth it when he finishes his doctorate and gets a great job where he is currently doing his lab work. I look at the big picture which is that he is working to give us and our future kids a great financial foundation. Just like I am working hard to finish my PhD too.  

Post # 3
1844 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

Where I live, it’s very common for spouses to live in different towns (or occasionally different countries) because of work opportunities. I don’t think it’s ideal but they make it work.

How far away will he be? How often will you see each other? Why can’t you move to where he is? Is he still trying to get a job where you are? Is it a field with few jobs in your area? Would he be willing to work outside his field if that allows him to move even if it would mean less money? 

Post # 4
604 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2018

Fiance and I did long distance for 14 months before we got engaged. I think the key to successful LDR is a clear end date. Finding a job from a distance can be very difficult if not impossible. Is it not possible for your Fiance to move before securing a job, so that he can job hunt in the location where you both will live? When I moved to be with FI it took me 6 months to find a full-time job. But I made it work with odd part time jobs here and there. 

I would be very resentful if my partner didn’t make closing the distance a priority.

Post # 5
9224 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

a friend of mine is in a long distance marriage.  5 months of the year they are on opposite coasts due to a job the husband had before they met.  they celebrated their 9th wedding anniversary yesterday.

Post # 6
1379 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

My husband travels for work 80% of the time. Honestly I have resentment sometimes, especially when he complains about his job (the same job he begged me for my blessing to do) and because I felt essentially blindsided since he decided this 10 months into our marriage.  But that usually goes away when his paycheck shows up into our account.  He makes good money and we’ve come a long way financially from when we first got married. That allows us to pay off our expenses and plan for a family.  And it also helps that I go with him when I can.

Post # 7
1481 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I don’t think it’s fair to be resentful. If he is having a tough time finding a job in the town you are in, perhaps it’s time to consider that you may have to move. Marriage is about compromise.

Post # 8
395 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

My husband and I are long distance and we have been our entire relationship. It isn’t ideal but we make it work! I must add that we are a “mature” couple with well-established careers that make it very difficult to just quit and move. With that, we are committed to making time for one another. We see a light at the end of the tunnel while recognizing a permanent move isn’t likely for a couple more years. 

I understand your angst with the unknown and hope that things will be different soon. I think with us we know our timeline for moving to be together isn’t within the next couple of years so we just plan with that knowledge in mind. For you it is probably more difficult..good luck to you!

Post # 9
3892 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

knotyet :  One of my good friends had to do this for a few months when her Darling Husband got a job about 2 hours away and she couldn’t leave her job right away.  It was tiring for her, but she drove out every Friday and stayed for the weekend.  It can definitely be done if you both are willing to work through it!

Post # 11
105 posts
Blushing bee

knotyet :  I know one couple who chose long distance marriage. He got relocated bc of his job twice in 2 years, and his wife had a good job and was pregnant so she stayed put. He would travel back & forth from Cali to midwest. Then she found out he was having a serious affair. He’s a mongrel and not all men are like him, but a lot of ppl speculated that it wouldn’t have happened had it not been long distance. I like to think a cheater will find a way to cheat. But yea… i personally wouldn’t be able to do it. 

Post # 12
1844 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

That really doesn’t sound like an ideal working situation for him. It also sounds very difficult for him to look for something else when he’s working so much.

You say he has a house, and you presumably have a job – would it be an option to pick a date (say in a year’s time or a year after the wedding) and say that at that point, even if he doesn’t have something lined up he’ll move back to live with you and start spending more time focusing on finding something else? 

Do you have the option to work at home? If so could you visit him and work from there for a few days a month? At least that wɔuld get you a few more evenings together.

I also don’t know the regulations if you’re in the US but is it legal for him to have such long working hours and so little time off?

Post # 13
233 posts
Helper bee

My husband and i are a military family, so we are rather familiar with long distance in our relationship, and he is currently stationed overseas on an unacompnied tour, which means I couldn’t have gone with him. I don’t really hold resentment towards him per se, but we both resent his job sometimes. This assignment came at a really bad time in his career, and basically cornered him into signing on for four more years in the miltary, instead of getting out next year as he had planned to. So there is definitely a lot of “Man we really got f*cked.” But not towards him, because I knew when we started dating what I was getting myself into. As far as coping goes, as a PP Said, it is helpful to have a set end date, it helps to think “Okay just X more months to go.” Also, we got marreid fairly shortly before he left, and I have found it to be a little bit of a blessing too. I am the type that has felt trapped in relationships in the past, so this year away for our first year of marriage is kind of an adventure because it gives me so much of a chance to find new things that I like to do, and work on myself. For me, I have found that the distance has forced us to approach our marriage very mindfully. We don’t have the luxury of just talking when we happen to be home at the same time, so we have to both make the consious effort to find time to talk on the phone, or skype, or send packages and letters. Think of it as a chance to really actively work on your marriage without the luxury to get lazy. So OP, I know that it can be miserable living apart from your spouse, but I just want you to know that it isn’t all bad. 

Post # 14
2091 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

On the Bee, I learned about the book called The Five Love Languages. I discovered I was quality time person. If you are, then long-distance is not usually a suitable type of relationship for you in the long-term… You say you are not really built for it. Can you at least postpone the wedding? If you are struggling with this now, you will even more as a newlywed. For some people it works. I know of two couples, and the men work far while one wife works locally and the other does not work. They both actually prefer to have their DHs not be home at this point and are less comfortable when they are home for too long? I find it very odd, but clearly quality time is not at the top of their lists….

*If LDR is not for you, get out of it now. Do not marry into this situation. He may be comfortable with how things are and never plan to permanently come back home. You would know by now if this was something you could deal with just fine or not.  Figure this all out before you get married, please.*

Post # 15
432 posts
Helper bee

I don’t think it’s fair to resent your FH or his job for forcing you two to be in a LDR, but honestly it isn’t for everyone.  I don’t have a lot of good advice because I don’t know the whole situation, but you should just be glad that it’s not worse. He has a job, he is providing, etc.  Military families deal with this all of the time and come out stronger than ever.  My husband travels for work Monday through Friday and we only see eachother on the weekends and it will be this way for the remainder of his career.  We make it work and have an incredibly strong marriage.  I have my own friends, hobbies, and interests so I’m not just sitting at home pining for him, but when he is home we take full advantage. 

You just have to make the best of it and cherish your time together that much more.

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