(Closed) Long Distance Marriage

posted 8 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1426 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Is there absolutely no way you can go with him?  Is there no one else who could handle the business for a few years until you return?

The most important thing is that the both of you are happy with the decision.  And if you can’t agree or one person is hesitant, then I think the default position needs to be to stay together.  Doing long distance for several years would be a massive commitment and stress and if both of you aren’t 100% about it then I would say don’t do it.  I can’t tell you what’s right for the two of you, but for me, I know I would be miserable and would feel like being apart would be seriously damaging to our relationship.  However other people, like those with spouses in the military, get through long separations just fine.  I would either find a way to go with him, or ask him to stay home.  But that doesn’t mean that’s the right decision for you.

Talk it out as much as you can, until you are both satisfied with your decision, and best of luck to the both of you.

Post # 4
Member
300 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Wow, that’s definitely a tough situation to be in but congrats to your Fiance on such an amazing opportunity. My sister and her husband are in a similiar boat except they are only 4 hours apart and get to be together every weekend pretty much. My advice is that you CAN do anything, it’s just a matter of realizing the sacrifices and determining if those sacrifices are worth it. It will be through your first couple of years of marriage which are an extrememly special and important time as a couple. It will be a bit easier because you have already lived together so long so it’s not like you need that time to adjust to living together. I think if you are both really committed to traveling and to each other then you can make this work. It might also be good for your Fiance to  have the opportunity to gain more emotional independence. Although, you need to be prepared for that to happen because he could come back more independent than you would like. I think you both just need to weigh the pros and cons and make the decision together.

Good luck with whatever decision you two make and congratulations on your upcoming wedding.

Post # 5
Member
1940 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I think 2-3 years is a very long time, especially for people who will be newlyweds.  I don’t think I would be able to live that long away from my FI/husband because I would anticipate that we would both change and grow and have different life experiences that would probably draw up apart rather than together.

 

It’s definitely a tough decision.

Post # 6
Member
244 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

We are going to be long distance for about 8 months after our wedding.  It’s a really difficult thing to have to wrap your head around but we are in a similar situation to you–I received a job offer that I simply will not be able to replicate where we currently live (hard to put a factor on it since I am currently a student, but it’s a lot, and a lot more than Fiance makes).  We were long distance for 2 out of the 5 years we were dating so I feel like it might be a bit easier for us because we sort of know how we operate at a distance but it still stinks to not get to be a real “newlywed” right away.  Also, I have found others to be extremely judgmental of our decision which does not make things any easier.

I think what you have to decide is what is the best thing for you as a couple.  I knew if I didn’t take this job that I would be significantly damaging my long-term employment prospects and our short-term financial well-being.  He, like you, has a slightly more flexible arrangement and we will be able to fly him to where I will be working every other week.  The way I like to think of it is that we are making a short sacrifice in the scheme of things for the health of a relationship that I hope lasts forever.  It stinks that it is at the beginning of your relationship, but if you make the decision that it’s work the sacrifice, it’s only a short time in the overall years you will be married.

Anyway, I just wanted to commiserate because it’s something that I totally relate to.

Post # 7
Member
2395 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

My theory is, if you have all that flexibility to go over there, then I say go for it!  You are on the East Coast, so the flight is just a hop skip and away.  You could probably get to England quicker than someone in California could get to SC. lol  It’s an amazing opportunity that could really set you up financially for the future…and coming from someone that has been in a LDR for 2 years with about 7 more months to go, I can say that you can make it work!  It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but it’s also the most rewarding things I have ever done!

Post # 8
Hostess
18643 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

It’s a very tough decision.  If you do this, it will probably be hard on your relationship but if you are both committed I’m sure the two of you could make it work somehow.  Just make sure that you are both on the same page about this.

By the way, he will still have to pay US taxes on this income (so you know that it isn’t going to be completely tax free in case that has a effect on your decision).

Post # 9
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

We were LDR for 4 years and did it for 6 months after we got married, but 2-3 years is a very very long time…not to say it isn’t doable, and JSDragonfly is right-england is probably only a 3 hour flight from the East Coast. It’s only 6 from Chicago.

Could you talk about reevaluating in a year? If it’s really THAT bad in a year, could the company transfer him back? or is he contracted?

Post # 11
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I say go for it.  It is a sacrifice now but, like you said, it would give you a chance to save up and be well-prepared for your future, not to mention giving his career a boost. 

Post # 12
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I didn’t think long distance was the worst thing in the world…it was definitely doable once I adjusted. I will say that after a couple years though, I was pretty sick of it, though. It just got old. There is a big difference between a few months or even a year….versus 2-3 years. I did 4 years and I can think back on how I felt at 2 years. It’s a little overwhelming if you think ‘big picture’ versus day to day. But if you can see each other every month or even every 6-8 weeks, well, that always makes it nice. And if you are busy and he is busy, it does go by.

As far as you wanting your Fiance to get more resilient…this sort of stuff makes or breaks people. And, speaking only for myself, I’m one of those people who was kind of lame before we went LDR. I was young, sad, needed him, etc. Once he got deployed, i grew up a lot. He says I’ve hardened around the edges quite a bit and it gives him a lot of reassurance that Im not just going to fall apart in the future when harder things come our way, that he knows if something happens to him, i’ll be fine and i’ll be able to pull it together. So, in a way, I myself am grateful we had to do it because I like who I am a lot more. SOME people don’t like that about me (hahaha….that’s another topic), but take it for what it’s worth =]

Post # 13
Member
3041 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

If he goes, it sounds like you guys would be ok since you’re stable & work is flexible for visiting & you already have a plan for communicating. But I would only suggest doing so if you know you can visit at least once a month. My Fiance & I have a really stable foundation but we wouldn’t be able to be LDR for years, we’ve been LDR for about half a year now but its really hard & he moves back this month. Some couples can & some can’t.

You don’t have to answer this here but does the cost of airfare PLUS money lost at your job when you visit him outweigh the extra money he’s making? A round trip ticket is at least $1000 (depending on where you fly in/out of). Is the extra money worth that PLUS the rarity of seeing each other? If it truly is enough, than that would be awesome to set you guys up financially!

I’d want them to include in the contract its not more than 2-3 years. If you try it & its too hard on you guys, is there any way for him to leave? Or for you to be with him?

Hopefully you guys have some time to think things thru! & wow what an awesome offer he has, whatever happens its awesome that you guys are so stable & supportive πŸ™‚

Post # 14
Member
1079 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I absolutely would not recommend a long distance marriage.

We have been long distance for almost 6 years. We have waited this long to get married because of the long distance. Part of being married for us means committing to make a life together no matter how that affects our finances. It means finding ways to have careers in the same place and compromising on both sides, not just one of us dragging the other along. Until now we have not had equal opportunities for our careers in the same location. It sounds like you are now in this position. To tell Fiance not to go means he may resent the lost opportunity. To tell you to go means you may resent the loss of your entire business career. If you can’t work out something that will make you both happy together you may want to postpone getting married. That may also allow Fiance to become a little more independent.

We see each other once a month for at least a long weekend, often for a whole week (spring and summer). We spend a month together over the winter. We are both strong independent people with fulfilling careers and our own friends and supportive families so we were in absolutely the best situation for surviving a LDR. It’s still no fun and we only do it because dragging the other person away from all prospect of a good career would be devestating to our relationship. We would not do long distance for the extra money ever.

Post # 15
Member
1237 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Wow. I’m not going to provide my opinions because clearly this is a very personal and emotional situation, a decision that should be made between you and your husband. But I’m sorry you need to go through this! Looking at it from a different perspective, either your husband takes the job, you’re able to save some money and get a great financial start for your marriage, or he stays and you get to spend your time together here. You can’t go wrong, right? (Haha, I know it’s not that simple). You two have been together for a long time and I’m sure you can figure out what is best for you. Good luck! Smile

Post # 16
Member
272 posts
Helper bee

While it’s not a 3-hour flight (sorry @ejs!), it is only a 6-hour direct flight from NYC to London.  And, Iceland is right in the middle!  For me it would really come down to numbers.  Look at what his salary will be, after conversion to USD and income tax here.  I wouldn’t factor in his free flat or travel fees, since these costs wouldn’t be necessary if you two lived together in the states.  Deduct the cost of your flying back and forth, his flying back and forth, and your lost income during vacation.  Do the numbers still make sense?  Do they make so much sense that you’d be a fool not to take it, or is it arguable that it’s worth the first three years of your marriage? 

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