(Closed) Long distance relationship – help !

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
1633 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

It sounds like it’s time for a frank conversation about your future. Ask him (with open language and an open mind, don’t give him the third degree) when he foresees getting married and what he thinks your lives will look like. Where does he foresee living? Is he actually able to move to you? And if so, is he willing at all? Is there a middle ground where you can each live and get to your respective jobs? (Don’t know a lot about NJ and NY but I thought I had heard that some people live in NJ and commute?)

There’s no shame in moving on when the relationship is stalled and you want different things. But have the discussion first, if you haven’t already. Have you been long distance for the entirety of your relationship? I wonder if that has something to do with him not feeling marriage yet.

Post # 3
Member
79 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Bring it up and be honest with him like pp said. I know how hard this is from experience, we got engaged after 6 years LDR and we still are LDR until we are married. I also had a ‘internal’ date of when I was not going to wait much longer after that. Good luck and I hope it works out for you 

Post # 4
Member
138 posts
Blushing bee

You can’t get a job in his area, he isn’t willing to move to your area. Can you compromise? Maybe move to an area in between where you can find a job and where it isn’t too far from where he lives. Timeframes are important to some extent but are you willing to walk out on potentially the love of your life due to a technicality that won’t be forever. I know realistically I would like to be engaged/married long before we actual will be but due to our financial situation I know that we will have to wait longer than we would have ideally liked. That doesn’t mean we don’t want to get married or are any less committed it just means marriage isn’t on the cards for us right now. I wonder how would an engagement help your situation? Would you feel closer to the end goal which is marriage and (I’m assuming) living together? Lots of people have a long engagement, and it is a way for two people to say their in for the long haul even though marriage might not be able to happen as soon as planned or wanted.

Post # 5
Member
593 posts
Busy bee

Just talk with him. To make a long distance relationship work, you have to have a timeline or an around date set on when you are going to move to the same city. There has to be a light at the tunnel, if you know what I mean. 4 years is a very long  time, I think it’s high time you think about solving the distance issue. If he isn’t willing to, then I don’t know what to say. I think with a relationship as long as yours you have to move forward and sacrifice yourself or just cut it off.

Post # 6
Hostess
8742 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

gemstoneheart:  + 1

oxbellissima3xo:  I think you need a frank chat. I would suggest you both move someowhere new together. 4 years together without moving forward in your relationship is a long time. I would want to be at least living together with the view to getting engaged.

Post # 7
Member
5882 posts
Bee Keeper

gemstoneheart:  “are you willing to walk out on potentially the love of your life due to a technicality that won’t be forever” 

I think the real question is, is HE willing to risk losing the potential love of his life because he didn’t keep his word?

He’s said he wants to get married, but he has not backed up his words with any form of action. 

And I would hardly call getting engaged a ‘technicality’. Plus, you cannot with any certainty reassure OP that it ‘won’t be forever’, because you don’t know the sincerity or intent behind her SO’s all-talk, no action. 

I think it’s completely understandable that OP is getting frustrated that their relationship hasn’t progressed after 4 years. OP is the one making the commute to see him, OP is the one willing to move cities. I think it’s high time her SO let’s her know exactly where he stands one way or the other, this isn’t fair to her. 

Post # 10
Member
6635 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

oxbellissima3xo:  Honestly this doesn’t sound realistic at all.  If you get engaged/married, how is that going to change your lack of ability to find a job in New York (city? state?) or his willingness to move to NJ?  

Personally, and having been in a much longer distance LDR than that, I think you need to get out of your parents’ house and live on your own with the two of you in closer proximity.  I would never have gotten engaged to my husband had we still lived as far apart as we did – we didn’t know each other!  not really anyway.  And while it worked out well for us in the end, it could just as easily have fallen apart.  I actually don’t think it’s weird that he hasn’t asked yet, aside from him claiming it will definitely happen someday.  We were more like thinking that it looked good so far, but we really couldn’t know until we’d been around each other more extensively.  And, btw, neither one of us was willing to move to the other’s state, or even general area.  We compromised and are somewhere else entirely that we both like.  

So it’s time for both of you to start laying down real life goals – what is his long term plan?  What does he see happening in the next half year, full year, two years, etc.  What about you?  What are each of you doing to reach said goals?  He can say things all he wants and so can you, but the key is to actually get moving on the plan or give it up.

Post # 11
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018 - Inn On Broadway

GreenGables:  You’re correct. I live and work in NYC and many of my co-workers live in NJ it’s actually not far at all

Post # 12
Member
6830 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

Well, could it be he’s not ready to really think about marriage until you get this living situation figured out? I mean…that’s pretty important. 

My brother has been in a LDR for about a year and a half now and my advice has always been to NOT propose until they at the very least figure out where they’re going to live. I’ve also advised to not actually propose until they’ve lived together (at least in the same town) for a little while. 

Post # 13
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018 - Inn On Broadway

oxbellissima3xo:  You guys have to have a talk and come to an agreement. Long distance relationships have to come to a point where the long distance ends. My boyfriend and I have been in a LDR for over a year (he lives 6 hours away) and I’m moving upstate to be with him next week! I have a bunch of job interviews so I will find work. Talk with him and discuss both your goals and where you want the relationship to be

Post # 14
Member
58 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

oxbellissima3xo:  LDRs are so hard. I was in one for 4.5 years, 2.5 hours apart. I am 31 and my Fiance is 33. Like you, at the 4 year mark we both needed to know what the next steps in our relationship were and we had a really frank conversation about them. It’s so important to have these types conversations in LDRs, you constantly need to check-in and make sure you are both on the same page. Internal dates don’t work!

When we had the “what’s next conversation” we realized that neither of us were ready to get engaged or move in together without at least living closer to one another first. I think this was a really good decision. I suspect it would have put a lot of stress on our relationship to go from LDR to cohabitation. Since my now Fiance owns a house and I work from home, it was an easy decision for me to make the move. It was still a huge leap of faith, granted I took my job with me, but I left all my friends and an apartment I loved, and put myself in a less than great financial position. After a year of living in the same community we decided to get engaged. We spent another year working on his house and adding a sizable addition and I finally moved in a few months ago, YAY! We are getting married this August 🙂

Our relationship has gotten better and better with each step. Here’s what I think are key factors in making it work: lots of constant communication, setting goals together that we both agreed on, acknowledging when one partner in the relationship is making more sacrifices (I think this is a huge issue in many LDRs), both partners are in a financial position to walk away if things don’t work (this takes pressure off the relationship to make it work for financial reasons), take it slow and don’t rush the process.

Good luck Bee! 

Post # 15
Member
5882 posts
Bee Keeper

Butterfly6:  BringOnTheHappy:  Thank You 🙂

I can see others’ point about wanting to spend more time together non-LDR first, but it’s been 4 years and her SO isn’t taking steps toward this either. It’s not like they live on different continents and haven’t spent hardly any time together, it’s more of a commute than anything, but the problem as I see it is that OP wants to build a life together and her SO seems content with things the way things are (especially since she’s the one doing all the commuting). It just seems that in this relationship, she’s the one jumping through all the hoops and he’s the one calling all the shots. It seems unfairly imbalanced.

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