(Closed) Long distance relationship – help !

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
1146 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

oxbellissima3xo:  so if he were to propose tomorrow and you get married 6 months later, would you then have a long distance marriage? How would getting married change the roadblocks you have wit b the relationship? 

By The Way I don’t advocate that…I strongly, STRONGLY believe in living together before marriage and consider living in the same city before marriage as an absolute non-negotiable. I just ask the above question to point out that you have much bigger issues than him not proposing. 

First figure out the logistics of your relationship and then reevaluate.

Post # 24
Member
1633 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

everytime I even bring up engagement rings and or engagement and babies he tells me to stop

This is pretty important, OP. Do you really see a future with this guy if this is how he’s reacting when you talk about it?

Post # 25
Member
6672 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

“thank you I am getting. Frustrated I always share with him im tired of the three hour commute. He just laughs”

See, now I just think he’s self centered and stringing you along as long as it remains easy for him.  Laughing when you complain about the commute to come visit and never offering to drive your way instead?  Not speaking to you for days on end if you bring up the future?  Hell’s no.  Cut your losses and be grateful it didn’t go any further.

Post # 26
Member
23 posts
Newbee

oxbellissima3xo:  Hi there,  I’ll offer my input since I’m currently in a LDR with an end date. 

Everyone should have their own way of handling this but personally we are very organized and detailed about our plans with specific timelines e.g. we both know & agree to the terms of our engagement (finishing certain life things first) and just everything in general. 

Essentially you both need to sit down and literally write down or log your specific goals and timelines. If the first one is not reasonably met or fulfilled, he has spoken (with his action) and it’s probably not worth your investment. 

You get a whole new set of dealbreakers in LDR that regular local couples don’t really notice because they’re always together, but your key word is action action action. Your plans are worth nothing without being fulfilled exactly has promised.  He needs to step up,  but you too!  You have to hold your part of the deal: If he doesn’t want to move out there, fine,  but be sure you want to move to his neck of the woods, figure out how to get a job and see if you can live alone for a bit just to get out, but at least you’ll be closer. 

If in x amount of time nothing changes after enforcing your game plan then you need to make your personal decisions about the relationship. 

Good luck! 

Post # 27
Member
23 posts
Newbee

oxbellissima3xo:  Also I wanted to add that it’s really not cool that you’re doing all of the commuting, doesn’t matter if you still live at home he should pay for a hotel every once in a while. Or you guys can split even – if you feel like you’re being strung along, bring this to his attention and listen to your gut. LD is hard enough as it is, you don’t deserve even a drop of doubt. 

Post # 28
Member
5862 posts
Bee Keeper

skunktastic:  +1

He tells you to ‘stop’ when you try to have a serious conversation with him? He laughs when you tell him it’s tiring having to commute 3 hours on a regular basis? Fuck him. Seriously, who the hell does he think he is? 

Sorry OP, but with your updates he sounds like a self-centered man-child who is happily enjoying the current situation at your expense & it doesn’t sound like he has any desire or plans to change things. There doesn’t seem to be any give-&-take in this relationship, only what you’re willing to put up with. 

Post # 29
Member
14 posts
Newbee

oxbellissima3xo:  LDR is tough. Talking from experience here. My fiance and I have been dating for 11 years (long distance!) not NY to NJ but From NJ to FL long (for 8 years) then we took a break since we thought it’s never going to happen that we will end up in the same state… Even though we took a break and try moving on dating other people,etc… we never forgot about each other.. Then we reconnected again and he moved to MD and tried to figure a way to make it work. We did a “shorter” LDR for 2 more  years and finally got engaged. That’s when I moved the other half of the way to MD. (We are both in our early/late 30s! Yep took us that long but it was meant to be for us so we made it work..or things fell into place) 🙂

I think commuting from NJ to NYC is not so bad. I know soo many people especially in my town that lives in NJ and works in NY… I also know a lot of people (marketing side) that lives in NYC and commute to work to NJ. If he’s the one for you, I know you can make it work. You can walk away but I don’t know how you will feel, how your heart will feel… It is definitely soemthing you need to talk about and figure it out soon and make sure he is also on the same page!! Make sure he feels the same way…

Also – He Should commute to see you!! My fiance would do that even if I didn’t have my own place! There’s a hotel right by my parents house that he can stay at.. or He can stay at my parents house if we are that serious!! and just sleep in different rooms or something  as a respect to the parents!!

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by  lovestruck143.

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