Post # 1
This is my first blog. I am a 51 year old man with 2 daughters 11 and 12 living in California. I have been dating a woman from Atlanta for 2 years now. She has 3 boys. We are truly in love. Our problem is that we are on seperate sides of the country. I am trying to figure out if moving my children out of the area we are now in is the best option. If we were to move, we would be in a seperate home. My girlfriend loves my children like they were her own. When we first met it was with my kids on a charity event and even then, I knew she had a deep connection with my girls. My daughters mom has been a challenge. She had an affair with this person and after the divorce immediately moved the girls in with the boyfriend. They still are not married and not sure if they ever will??? The girls are ok over there but there have been some issues. Overall the girls are happy and do excellent in school. They do want to move but my youngest I think is torn at this point. I live in an area that is just OK. I want to expand my girls options with excellent schools as they get older and the ability to be in a culturally diverse area. That is another key reason why I would want to relocate to Atlanta. I also think my work could grow in the area as well. If I move one woud get the kids summers and the other during school. I want to take my girls as they also want to come with me. I feel bad about taking them away from the mom but I also see the greater good that would come from my beautiful girlfriends ways and concern for my daughters. I also realize she is not the mom. I realize my girls love their mom. I also need to be get to a happier place and hope to be married soon. We cannot get to that point unless we blend our families. My girlfriend also is struggling with incorporating me and the ex. It is very hard for her as she is very conservative about seeing me in the picture with going to games, events etc. She sees it like a slap in the dads face and feels like it is not a fair thing to do. My ex through her boyfriend in front of me since day one. I think if my girlfriend is to get to a marriage she needs to work past this which she is trying in a lot of ways . I really need some input and help if anyone can help on the move, the kids, the incorporating of a new person in the other parents and kids lives. We have all spent time together and our kids get a long well and are happy when we are all together.
Post # 3
Does your ex live in California? Does she have parental rights? Do you really think the courts will allow you to take kids and move to Atlanta? There are schools in California. I get it that you dont like that your ex had an affair, I would be furious too. Consult an attorney, but I find this highly unlikely.
As to your fiance loving your kids as her own, I dont see how anyone can knowningly say that, given she lives in Atlanta, and you in California. What has she done, spent a few weekends with them? And on that, you think the courts should let uproot your kids?
I wish you the best, but you need a lawyer. You also might want to check out some board for stepparents, about conflict between SMs and teenage girls.
Post # 4
My ex does live in California. We have a 50/50 arrangement. One week on week off. I do not think the courts will allow a move but at some point my girls can make their own decision. My oldest will be 13 in May. I have spoken with an attorney and would appreciate more comment. Anyone in this type of program, could understand. It is hard to be apart from the person you really care for. My kids are very connected with my girlfriend but i do realize taking them away from mom may be a problem. On the other hand they do want to make the move. We have not really pushed it yet but at some point, I feel it will need to be done.
Post # 5
I know how your feeling. I am a 22 year old girl and I have moved around a lot. Let tell you a story. My family and I lived in Michigan for 14 years and due to the economy getting bad and the possiblity of my dad losing his job, my parents decided to move our family(my mom, my dad, my sister and I)to Virginia. My sister didn’t want to move to Virginia and wasn’t happy wirj my mom about it. I wasn’t happy at first but I learned to accept it. Anyways my mom sort of told my sister that she had to at least try and live in Virginia for a year. (She was a junior at the time). But after living in Virginia for a year which my mom wanted her to do, she still wanted to go to Michigan for her senior year and my parents decided to let her spend her senior year in Michigan, we eventually moved out of Virginia and moved to Iowa and I myself have partially lived in three places in Iowa. My sister moved there after high school graduation And she really likes Iowa. My sister back in the day was afraid of change and as she got older she kept her options open. I on the otherhand really liked va and Iowa and as I moved around a lot I learn new things about certain places and different United States pop culture. I adjusted easily. My sister went to community college for her associates degree but went to Michigan for her bachelors and when she moved to Iowa during her Uni years, she realized that Michigan isn’t for her anymore.
I know your ex(your kids mom) lives in calfornia and I know you don’t want to take the kids away from their mom but you really aren’t. If your kid is not sure about moving then here’s I would suggest. I would suggest to your daughter or both daughters to live and try atlanta for a year and see if they like it. after living there for a year and they like it a lot, then maybe suggest to your ex wife that she has the kids during the summer, and you and your girlfriend have them during the school year. If one or both kids don’t like atlanta then maybe you have then during the summer and your ex wife has them during the school year. Either way I think you moving to atlanta will be good for you and not only you will be with your gf and her kids but it will be a better life there since calfornia is so expensive to live. Well I hope this helps. Best of wishes.
Post # 6
@surfd: I’m not sure I would uproot my life or my kids lives for a woman who is worried about hurting her ex-husbands feelings with a new relationship. One would think if he wanted her to remain faithful to him or not bring any other men into their son’s lives, he would have stayed married to her?
How much time have the two of you actually spent together? As in, each others physical presence? In the presence of one anothers children?
Post # 7
Living away from a parent creates more resentment and anger in the kids than you could EVER imagine. If you think things are bad with your ex now, they will definitely get worse if you move. I’m not current on the visitation laws right now, but from what I understand, you can’t move if your ex still wants to see your kids – regardless of them wanting to move. They’re not 18 and usually the courts don’t let kids make decisions like that for themselves. If your ex is still being a good parent to them, then they won’t let you go without her expressed consent.
My dad moved away to Florida when I was 14, and my younger brothers were 12 and 9. Not one of us kids survived the shitstorm that followed for years to come; it affected each of us and we’re all still learning to deal with the emotional harm it caused. While it’s not the same situation, I ask you to consider what is 100% best for your two girls. I know, I know, it sucks — you should be happy, too… but your girls’ lives and best interests should always be first.
Post # 8
IMO, unless the ex is abusive and a danger to you and/or the children, then you don’t move them away from their other parent.
Post # 9
I have had to deal with a lot of immature acts by my ex as well as my children. The girls love their mom but she does have her faults. My gf and I have spent a lot of time Together with my girls. Usually a week at a time. Over the last two years. I have spent approx 2 weeks with my gf kids. Is that enough?? No way. We are trying to plan and do this right. Thinking of taking my girls for a month this summer to Atlanta to immerse the girls and see if they would all work. girls mom is ok with this because she does not want to have to pay for sitters Over summer while she works. Mom has said to me that I am the best person to take care of the girls last fall when she told the girls and I she was packing and moving to SoCal. Then 72 hours later after she told my daughters and left them with me for full time, she changed mind. All for her bf. not for girls. Now she says she is marrying the guy. Very wishy washy. This is the person who would have them all the time!!!!! If I left them. She has been saying this for three years. This is the same guy she was having an affair with while we were married…. My Gf left broke off her marriage. He did not leave. She is only concerned about the children and the pressure it may put on them with myself in the picture as he may lash out on kids. It is touchy for her as she lives in a very conservative area of families and it could be a mental challenge for her. Any opinions on this are appreciated. I have dealt with this stuff in the past and Cali is full of divorced blended families lol. i realize that I need to be happy before I can make others happy. My career is at a crossroads in this small town. I need to make a future for the good of my daughters and not be chained to this small town. I want good schools, career ops, college for my girls. Ex does not see it that way.
Post # 9
I suggest leaving it a bit longer to move, either with, or without your children. I know it is difficult being apart from the person you love. I had the same problem with my fiance. We will be getting married after being a relationship for seven years. He didn’t ask me to marry until he was sure that his children were old enough to live mostly with their mother, as we live in different parts of Sydney. When we get married, his children will be 19 and 16.
Had we married sooner, his younger child would have had to live full time with one of us. Living full time with me would not have worked, as I felt he needed more discipline. Living full time with the ex wife would not have worked, as my fiance would have felt guilty, and that he was putting our needs ahead of his child’s.
It has been a strain on our relationship, being apart so much. But it was ultimately the right decision for us.