Post # 1
Okay this is a long story but I will try to keep it short. My husband and I have been married about two months. He is now starting law school in New York. I however have one semester left of my undergrad, and can’t transfer without it adding a year and a half of schooling on. So I will be finishing up my degree in Cincinnati while he is a 12 hour drive away in New York.
We’re both up in New York (long island) now at our apartment. I will be staying at my parents house while I finish my degree. I’m leaving tomorrow and it hurts much more than I imagined it would. I don’t even know how to describe it. I have so many emotions going on right now. Things feel so complicated.
Today I’m feeling like we were stupid for getting married BEFORE we had to be apart, but honestly it seemed like it would be the most opportune time in the next three years since we were both kind of at a good place with school to plan a wedding. And I love my husband more than anything in the world, but I feel stupid for getting into this situation. I don’t know why. It’s not like not being married would make this hurt less. He would still be my best friend and it would still break my heart to leave him up here.
I guess I should say that we considered him taking a year off of school before law school but we decided against it together because then he would have to start paying on his loans and then it would be harder to go back. I don’t regret that part of it. I just didn’t realize all angles of this situation. I knew this would be hard on me, but I didn’t realize how hard. And the worst part of it is that my husband seems very lonely up here because he hasn’t really made new friends yet. I’m worried he will be miserable up here alone. And I feel guilty because I get to go home to my friends and family and I’m leaving him up here with no companion. I know I have to though. It will make both of our lives better for me to finish school.
This just sucks. It all around sucks and hurts and I’m terrified. I have so many fears about being apart. I know we’ll both be very busy with school and am afraid of what that will do to our marriage and our friendship. I know we will talk everyday and skype regularly, but still that doesn’t make me feel better really. I’m afraid we will grow apart because we’re not physically together and it will take a lot of struggling to get back to a place we’re happy together. I know that’s probably not the case, but I still fear it anyway.
I guess I’m just wondering if there are any other bees in LDR’s and what you did to get through it? Were things okay afterward? Did it take some adjusting? My husband and I have lived together for about year so it will be strange not to live together. I know we’ll get through this, I just feel so sad and anxious and afraid tonight. I need some reassuring.
Post # 3
Awww I completely understand. I feel like I could have written parts of this.. Fiance and I are long distance as of Monday. If it helps, when he left I actually felt relief for a few hours just because the actual good-bye was over, lol! I’m scared too, still, but I know we’ll be okay.. I totally know what you mean about worrying about not being physically together. I told him that usually all I need to feel close to him is a reassuring touch on the arm or something, so I need the verbal equivalent of that regularly.
I think the most important thing is to be completely 100% open about what’s going on and what you need. Obviously I’m not an expert yet… but a year and a half from now I should be unfortunately! But if(when) we get through this, we’ll know we can get through anything. Think of it that way! 🙂 How long will you be long distance?
Post # 4
That’s exactly what I was thinking about earlier about how if we make it through this we can make it through anything. We will be long distance for about four months total and we will see each other for a weekend out of every month. I keep telling myself it’s really not that long. But we’ve never gone longer than a week without seeing each other pretty much since we met. So it seems like FOREVER. But in the grand scheme of my life it’s really pretty short.
Post # 5
We were long distance for 3.5 years before our wedding while I was in grad school (our ldr literally ended the weekend before the wedding!). I’m not going to lie, it’s hard, and a big test for your relationship. At the same time, though, I think that it made grad school easier in some ways. It’s a lot harder to buckle down and do your homework (and there’s a lot of it in law school….a ton of reading!) when there is someone else at home whom you would rather spend time with. It was much easier to say “hey honey, I really have to do work, I’ll call before bedtime” on the phone than it would be in person. It’s hard to prioritize school over a relationship, but in the long term–when you have the careers that you want–you will be glad that you did. Your husband will definitely make friends once school starts up in earnest; lots of students form study groups and stuff because the workload is so overwhelming in law school.
My recommendations: care packages!, gchat video chatting, a bluetooth headset if you don’t already have one (you’ll spend a lot of time on the phone!). Set travel alerts on sites like hotwire to email you if there are last minute deals for airfare. And just keep reminding yourself, it’s only a semester. It’s just a few months until Christmas break, you can do it!
Post # 6
My husband and I are currently 3.5 months into our 7 month ldr. He’s in the military so I knew from the get go that there was a chance that he’d have to deploy but still when it happened it was the hardest thing Ive ever gone through. But you know….with working full-time, time is just flying by. I bet with you going to school and having that weekend every month to look forward to, time will pass rather quickly for you too.
We havent had our reunion yet…..but I find it that the distance makes us feel like we are dating again. Those late night phone calls, the little unexpected things arriving in my mailbox, a facebook message declaring his love for me, etc. Plus Im getting a chance to go to Europe to see him in a few weeks and boy I have all those butterflies that I had every time I was getting ready to go see him before we were married. You know its cliche…but absence makes the heart grow fonder. You’re not alone in this!
Post # 7
DH and I were in a LDR from day 1, so all we knew was being apart. With that said, we when finally got married, it didn’t make being apart any easier. The first 10 months of our marriage we were about 1,000 miles apart, and it was one of the hardest things I have ever gone through…but….I got through and our relationship is 10x stronger because of it.
We established as much as a routine as possible. It was very important to us to start the day and end the day together, so we called eachother first thing in the morning and last thing at night (and many times in between). At night, we would skype so we could see eachother. Sometimes we would play internet games (you would be amazed at how much this did for our relationship). Just something light-hearted and fun really helped. We actually even had “dates”. We would rent the same movie, sometimes cook the same meal at the same time w/a laptop set up so we could see eachother. One time there was a movie in the theaters that we both wanted to see and we found it playing in both our cities at the same time, so we went to the movies together. lol It sounds silly, but it really was the little things that got us through the tough times.
Post # 8
It’s definitely not fun – through 4 (well really just the last 3) years of school, DH and I spent the last three summers in different states – one semester with him only an hour away, and last fall with him in a diff state again, finishing up school (we went to the same university) while I moved to take a full-time position. That’s a grand total of 19 months apart.
As other PP’s have said – it’s not easy, and the first few weeks are the hardest. By last fall, I was so used to not seeing him, that it became normal to not have him around – which of course made it all the more difficult to see him for a couple days every 6 weeks or so.
Take the time to call each day and chat – just keep that connection. The best thing for us was having a webcam. Even if I were just sitting and watching tv, the fact that I could watch him do whatever made me feel closer to him.
I also started a countdown in my planner – every morning I got to write how many days I had left. It sounds silly, but it helped to know that each day, even though it felt like December was sooooooooo far away, to see that number go down helped so much. And definitely break it into smaller chunks. Set up a couple weekends to go see each other.
Your last semester will be done before you know it and you’ll be back with your DH. And if you’re anything like me – you’ll appreciate the time you have with him so much more once you’ve seen how lonely you are without him.
Good luck and we’re here for you!
Post # 10
I’m in Cincy… just saying 🙂
My FH and I will be split up as of next Tuesday until our wedding in December. I’m sorry 🙁 It’s one semester right? Same here. It sucksssss.
I can’t offer much advice but I do think it’s going to be hardest at first. If you need anything let me know, I think it’s kinda cool we’re in the same area.
hugs and prayers your way!
Post # 11
Wow thanks so much for all the support guys. It really helps. There are so many things I hadn’t thought of, like sending care packages and watching movies together. Some great ideas. I’m feeling better as of right now, but I’m not leaving for another 4 and a half hours. Thanks so much for all the advice.
Post # 12
I don’t care how long you’ll be apart, knowing you can’t see the person you love the most whenever you want is HARD. I’ve been w/o FH for months and days due to the military and each time no matter the length is hard. The best advice is try not to dwell. This is temporary. You have the rest of your life to be with your husband 🙂
Post # 13
I know it’s rough, but it’s absolutely do-able and you can get through the one semester apart and then you’ll be together again. You are both doing what is best for your careers and what is financially responsible (esp. the part about paying back loans). And I think that you did your wedding at a good time!
My Fiance and I have been together for almost 8 years…First 2 years we were togther all the time, next 4 years we did a LDR while I went away to college (school in IL, FI/home in CT so I’m feeling you on the long drive!!). While I was away it was rough, especially the times we would be apart for 10-12 weeks before seeing each other. By the third year though we set the goal of seeing each other once a month and it made a huge difference!!
Once you’ve completed a LDR you can do anything 🙂 And believe it or not, it can bring you closer together – that’s what we found. It will make your time together that much more special and you will appreciate every second you have during the LDR and even after you are reunited.
Enjoy your last semester – stay busy with school, talk to each other daily, and know that the distance is temporary.
Post # 14
Fiance and I did a six month deployment – hard, hard, hard. I was a mess for the first few days (knowing he’s going into danger doesn’t make it any easier, I’ll tell you that), but it gets better.
I second the PPs’ advice like countdowns, making sure you set up communication and keep each other involved. I would also add – stay busy! It helps keep your mind off things. Anything you’ve wanted or needed to do but have been putting off to spend time with him – establish a workout routine, catch up with old friends, upload all of your CDs to your computer, clean out your childhood bedroom – do it now. You won’t have to do it later (more time for DH) and it keeps your mind distracted from it.
Good luck – it will be fine, and it is only temporary!
Post # 15
I definitely agree that it brings you closer together. There’s only so much time you can spend talking about your days, so we tried to be creative with phone topics—if you were a vegetable, what would you be; would you rather…? etc. Pretty much nothing he says now can surprise me!