Post # 1
I have always been involved in a long-distant relationship and now I am faced with a dilema. I have been with my boy friend for 7 yrs. it doesn’t seem as if we are ever going to get engaged yet alone married. I want to get married one day and I think he is just not ready to make that move. He once told me that when I pay my student loan down enough then we can talk about marriage. What type of mess is that!!!
I understand that you would like to be financially sound when you get married, but if you ever went to college and had to pay on your way and take out loans for both a Bachelors and Master Degree in order to better yourself, know one should put your life on hold for that reason. I am 37 years old and my clock is ticking.
Suprisingly, December 27, 2012 I was contacted by my ex-boyfriend through FB and decided to reply to his message. It’s been 1 month and some days that we have been chatting on FB, yahoo, text message and letters. He has been divorced for 4.5 yrs and has 2 children. As weeks go on the conversations are growing deeper, he understands that I am in this other relationship and takes the stand to hear me out. He truly understands how I feel and hopes that one day he will marry again. We are very transparent with each other about our lives and what we want in life.
I find myself having feelings for him and he says he feels the same. We both are willing to get to know each other all over again and take it slow. On the other hand, my boyfriend has not talked to me about a deeper committment in the last 3 years. What should I do???
Post # 3
Talk to your boyfriend. Does he know how important marriage is to you and that you feel like it needs to come somewhat soon?
I’d say if after 7 years he isn’t ready or just doesn’t want to, it probably won’t happen unless he just doesn’t think it’s that important to you.
I’d be careful about how the conversations with the ex go until your’re certain what you want with your current boyfriend though. Seems like something could easily go wrong here and you would be left without either of them.
Post # 4
I’ll just put this succinctly – if you’re talking to your ex-boyfriend and developing feelings for him, you’re not ready to get married to anyone, least of all your current partner. I’m just going to go out on a limb here and say that it sounds like you just want to be married – it doesn’t sound like it really has a whole lot to do with your current boyfriend. If it was all about him, you wouldn’t even be entertaining the thought of communicating with your old boyfriend and rekindling a past flame; you would be waiting for him to be ready and taking the steps you needed to in order for you two to be together.
Given that, I’d say you’re not ready. When you truly are ready to marry someone, you don’t start talking with another guy and develop feelings for him because your current boyfriend isn’t ready to commit.
ETA: I didn’t vote in your poll because there’s no acceptable answer. I was in a LDR with my Darling Husband for nearly two years on and off (the relationship wasn’t on and off, the long distance part was). There was no set time limit for when we had to be discussing marriage before I would have gotten out of the relationship. We made our relationship work with the hand we were dealt (being from different countries) and looked forward to the day we could finally be together. If it had taken another 5 years before we could have been together, so be it. We would have continued on as our relationship is worth fighting for.
Post # 5
@Ree723: Perhaps you’re right, however you just can’t say that it has nothing to do with my current boyfriend and I just want to be married. What woman never had thoughts about being married or even to have a committed relationship. For the last 3 years he can’t seem to communicate with me concerning my goals or our future. And as far as my ex is concerned he tends to be a listening ear. I’m pretty sure you have come in contact with and ex from the past and the conversation may take you back to the good times you shared. Thanks for the comment though 🙂
Post # 6
Honey, firstly let me sympathize with you on the long distance relationship part. I know how it feels, trust me. Me & my current Fiance were long distance for a long while before I moved to live with him. Just like the above PP wrote, we worked and fought for our relationship no matter how far away we were. Just like in a ”regular” relationship, if the love & feelings are there, you’ll do anything in your power to make the relationship work, and you’ll do anything to keep your love alive, no matter the obstacles you must face. I, much like you, had the same exact problem with my now fiance, when we were still Boyfriend or Best Friend & Girlfriend. We would talk about marriage, he’d get antsy and wouldn’t want to talk about it. First off, it was the distance and he just didn’t want to pop such a serious question if we were still so far away. We started planning. I moved in with him summer of ’11, and he proposed to me November ’11. It didn’t take long at all, the moment needed to be just right.
Honey, it’s been 7 years. And you say he hasn’t spoken to you about deeper commitment in over 3 years? That’s a long time not to talk about ANYTHING deep. I mean for goodness sake, you’re a woman who should be enjoying & being happy with life! 37 is no joke, don’t let time pass you by because the person you’re with is obviously trying to stay ‘hip’ & ‘young’. Get out of this before you go in too deeply, don’t force him into anything if he doesn’t want it. Because even though it’s hard at first, it’s a lot easier than a divorce, child custody battles, ect!!
Good luck xoxo
Post # 7
I have to agree that I’d say you aren’t ready to commit to anyone. You are already emotionally cheating on your current guy. What I think you should do is take some time to really think about what you want in life and if you want that with your current boyfriend. If so, then maybe it’s time you set a deadline internally, and then have a chat with him about marriage and how important it is to you. If after that, he’s still not gone any further in discussions by your internal deadline, then it’s time to leave. As to what that deadline should be? Only you can answer that.
When my hubby and I were still dating from 6k miles apart, I didn’t want to pressure him, but I did let him know that marriage was something that was/is very important to me and I told him that popping the question was up to him and I was willing to wait until he was ready, but that at some point I would have to look deep down and decide if I wanted to keep waiting.
I would caution you very much to not make him feel like he HAS to propose to you though. I know that’s something that I wouldn’t want at all. Both of you have choices, he has the choice to either want to be married and ask you (or not as the case may be) and you have the choice to wait for him to do so (or decide that you need to move on). Good luck!
Post # 8
If you’ve been dating for 7 years and he won’t even talk about commitment, he’s never going to marry you. If marriage is important to you, I think you should leave him and spend some time thinking about the things you really want in life and in a partner.
Post # 9
I am going to express this slightly differently than some of the pps. I believe you are absolutely ready to be in a relationship that will lead to marriage. You’re 37, and you do not want to be in LDR-dating-limbo forever, which is where you have been for quite some time.
If your SO has shown no interest in marriage in seven years, I don’t believe he will be changing his tune any time soon, unless, for whatever reason, he “sees the light” after you move on without him. I would strongly encourage you to extract yourself from the relationship that you’re in and simply let your SO know that this situation is no longer something that you’re interested in perpetuating.
If he lets you go, you’ve lost nothing in terms of eventually having a permanent future with this man (though, certainly, you will be losing a relationship that has meant very much to you for a huge part of your life.) If he suddenly realizes that he does not want to be without you — then you may discover an entirely new side to Mr. Status Quo.
I do agree with PPs that you should be cautious when assessing what may be happening with your ex, and you both are wise to have decided to take things slowly. It’s too hard right now to discern whether your feelings for him are based on what WAS and also on what is NOT with your current SO verses whether or not a new relationship with your ex is what is best for you, him and his children. I would encourage you to completely resolve the situation with your current SO before exploring the potential for the other relationship.
Post # 10
I’m in a longdistance relationship too. I don’t think I could have dealt with it if there was no promise of it ending. We knew it would be a while since I’m finishing up my degree, but we have a definite end point. When I first went to school we had at least talked about marriage, even though we weren’t ready for it at the time, I knew it was coming. You have to be really open with each other. It’s not the same as in a typical relationship where you can pick up little clues of how he is feeling. I understand that it is hard to resist attention from anouther man when your SO is so far away but think about what that would do to your relationship if your SO found out…
Post # 11
I didn’t vote because I think every relationship is different…but, if you find yourself talking to your ex-bf, that should tell you something.
Post # 12
Time to Move on and forward with your life, enough waiting around for him! 7 years is way to long to still be wondering what is going to happen and where the relationship is heading. Good Luck
Post # 13
just depends i dont think there should be a set time, every1 is different 😀
Post # 14
To me, I could not remain in an LDR if I knew we were never going to close the disance. that is the only thing that keeps me sane is counting the days til I can be with my love. You definately need to have a conversation with him to see where your relationship is headed. If someone else is now in the picture who has sparked your interest, it is time to do some soul searching.
Post # 15
@Ree723: I completely, completely agree with every point you made in your reply.