(Closed) Wedding feels like a fantasy. Long engagement sucks.

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 33
Member
1082 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Our engagement was 33 months long, so you are not alone.

At first it seemed insane – but we needed to settle some personal debts, take care of some family stuff, get new jobs, AND find a house before we got married, so we CHOSE to have a long engagement.

We did get a lot of flack for having such a long engagement, and even lost some friends over it, but it was what worked for us, and that’s all that mattered in the end.

Yes, at times it was frustrating and it seemed like the wedding date would NEVER come.

But you know what? It did. We’ve been married for 4 months and I am SO glad we had a long engagement.

Since we were planning so far ahead, we were able to get a lot of quality, affordable venues and vendors that we had our eye on. For example, we booked our reception hall 18 months in advance. We were able to make small payments AND we got the 2012 price for our 2013 wedding.

You just have to look at the positives – like once you do start planning, if you get overwhelmed, you can take a break.

You also won’t be forced to make a decision just because you’re pressed for time. You’ll have the ease of being able to think things over and THEN chose.

I also think that it made paying for things WAY WAY easier.

I also think having a long engagement let me enjoy it more. Think about it – there’s only one time in your life you’ll be able to do this. Even though you’ll have a long engagement, the wedding will be here before you know it. And then you’ll be bored (trust me) lol

Trust me, it will come. 

 

Post # 34
Member
343 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

We were engaged last March and are getting married this May so we’re 14 months. Slightly long! But I think it’s been better because we’ve gotten to enjoy being engaged

Also we’ve sort of “chunked” our planning tasks – we made a lot of big upfront decisions right off the bat like setting the date, venue, buying dresses, hiring the caterer, etc, were mellow through summer/fall & then around Thanksgiving we picked up again with save the dates, building the website, hiring the photographer & band, FI/groomsman suits, etc. I think we’ve just entered the second lull where we won’t have a lot to do until early spring when we send invites & have to count our RSVPs for final #s on tables, chairs and whatnot, plus the fun lead-up celebratory stuff like the shower and bachelor/ette parties

If we only had a 6 month engagement & had to do all of this planning at once I think my head would explode!  It’s been nice to space it out bc it’s been fun to organize & hasn’t felt like a second job

Post # 35
Member
484 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@Creiddylad:  I feel you about the long engagement part! Mine is 37 months which is so long it sounds stupid to say it in months πŸ˜› 3 years and 1 month!! We got engaged when we turned 19 in June 2011 and will be FINALLY getting married in 5 months (:

 

I find life goes by fast ingeneral, but in wedding terms the first almost 2 years went by slowly because we didn’t even have a date picked out. It was only back in March 2013 that we picked our wedding date (so 16 months of actually planning/buying stuff) and the time has FLOWN BY. Everything is all booked and planned, but when I realize we are getting married in 5 MONTHS my heart skips a few beats and I have a little panic mode for no reason lol.

 

AND the worst part is that the wedding still feels like a fantasy..no matter that I do -buy my wedding dress, book our honeymoon, meet our photographer, etc. -it all just seems like…it’s not real. I have been waiting for this for so long it still hasn’t hit me yet that it is actually happening.

 

My advise for you is to not worry, soon enough you will be in the last 6 months before the wedding wondering where all your time went ! Although I am sorry the wedding stuff is hard and not fun for you anymore πŸ™ I never went through that phase and I hope it doesn’t last long for you. Maybe that a few months off from wedding planning!

Post # 36
Member
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Same here, I am waitin til april 2015 now for the wedding, but it maybe pushed back another year if I decide to go back to school. lol

Right now I try not to think about the wedding, just take it one day at a time. This way I don’t stress out too much.

Post # 37
Member
4023 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

@Creiddylad:  You’re making your own dress AND your own cake? Damn lady, you NEED this long engagement, haha! πŸ˜€ More power to you and keep us updated!

Post # 39
Hostess
5622 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

I had/am having a super long engagement as well. We got engaged Dec 2012.. and set the date for October 2014… just a little less than 2 years!

It was super frustrating.. I started looking for vendors right away.. half of them were already booked, and the other half didn’t take our date seriously.. because we were planning too far ahead. It really didn’t make any sense!

During the summer, it got really awkward at work, because people would see my ring and ask when the big day was.. and get this sad look on their face when I said October 2014.

Luckily.. the real planning has finally rolled around and we are getting things done like crazy! Now that we are less than a year, whenever people ask and I say October, they don’t get a strange look on their face! It certainly feels more real.

Hang in there & plan what you can! Everything else will fall into place.

Post # 40
Member
519 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@Creiddylad:  I can totally relate!  We are also having an 18 month engagement and when I first announced our date to my family they all begged us to move it up!  We were firm on our date choice as we refuse to go into debt for our wedding and we knew we wanted to get married in August but it sucked to have that pressure right off the bat.  I started planning pretty much a day after getting engaged and after planning all the “fun stuff” – dress, venue, photographer, DJ – I’m left with 6 months to go and nothing but tedious little details to focus on.  I’ve considered eloping several times now to just get it over with and start our family but I know it will be worth it in the end.  Despite all my frustrations though I could not imagine planning everything I’ve planned thus far in half the time.  It’s been wonderful to get all my first choice vendors and to have lots of time to make decisions.  I think that no matter how long your engagement is there will be pros and cons so just enjoy being engaged and before you know it you’ll be walking down the aisle.

Post # 41
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

We had didn’t set out to but ended up having super long engagement. We were engaged in Sept 2011(!) and immediately started looking for a house. Then had a long closing due to the sellers and then wanted to settle into the house before planning a wedding. After almost a year in the house we said “guess it is time to actually set a date”.

It was really tough sometimes becuase it didn’t feel like we were really engaged and then when we finally set a date it kind of felt like no one cared anymore since we had already been engaged for so long.

All that really matters is the two of you and if you have to wait to have the wedding that you want, or to sort out family issues, or just have some time to enjoy being engaged that is totally alright. There is no right and wrong amount of time to be engaged.

We are now less than 4 months out and all I keep thinking is “where did the time go and how in the heck am I going to get all of this done??”

 

 

Post # 42
Member
4554 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

We had a long engagement and fell into this trap of “Oh, it’s so far away! We can just relax/work on ourselves/have fun for awhile!”

Then the catering took way longer than it should have, the DJ fell through, the bridesmaids dresses may well turn out to be an unmitigated disaster, the invitations sucked, and our centerpieces were discontinued. Over half these things could have been eliminated if we had had time to slow down and not rush.

We got lulled into a false sense of security because people kept saying, “Oh, you have plenty of time!” and we started to believe it. Now we are scrambling and compromising left and right, and I am up until 2 am most nights playing catch-up.

It’s horrible. Don’t be like us πŸ™

Post # 43
Member
2451 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Stace126:  Why would you lose friends over a long engagement? Its not really their business

Post # 44
Member
1082 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@nycsa:  Well, they were extremely judgemental people. And we didn’t stop being friends just because of the long engagement, but it opened up a huge can of worms.

I mean, the night we got engaged, this couple asked us when we were planning the wedding for (the ring was on my finger for, like, an hour). We said we weren’t sure but we knew it’d be a long engagement because we wanted to find new jobs, etc.

The girl scoffed and rolled her eyes and said, “If everyone waited until they had money to get married, no one would ever have a wedding.”

And they were just totally rude throughout the entire planning process – they couldn’t understand our financial struggles because both sets of their parents and grandparents paid for their wedding.

They were also really judgemental towards us about our jobs, our finances, and how we handled a recent family illness and death, so there were other issues, but once they started critisizing our wedding choices, I couldn’t bite my tongue anymore and just told them to shove it.

Thankfully we are not friends anymore.

Post # 45
Member
2451 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Stace126:  I think the friendship would have ended over something else eventually

Post # 46
Member
253 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@Creiddylad:  We are in the midst of a 25 month engagement! We still have about 15 months remaining. We love the time it gives us to plan. We booked the venue first, and then have slowly found the (what do you think about this color? etc. etc.). Its about mindset πŸ™‚ Time is flying by for us.. it feels like we got engaged a month ago and its been over 10 months already! Life moved quickly so we’re enjoying the journey as much as we can. 

Start sewing your dress whenever you feel like it. No one except your SO has to know! And then you can pop it out like 6 months before and be like yea! I just finished it!

Also with venue, I sort of understand your parents issue about it being far away. When we picked/booked out venue, we had to be very considerate of any and all family and friends that would be travelling in. Its not about us, its about all of us. I had a dream venue in downtown Toronto that I said BYE to because it would be a horrendously stressful commute for our guests. And now, our new venue is my dream venue πŸ™‚ Its just about mind over matter, weighing your options and your feelings and going with your gut instinct. There are tactful ways to deal with difficult or manipulative parents!

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