Long engagements- thoughts?

posted 2 months ago in Engagement
Post # 46
Member
892 posts
Busy bee

I also do agree that being engaged without planning a wedding is really just a Girlfriend with a ring. But whatever works for the two of you is what should do. But as others have said, be prepared for the questions about it. 

I had a friend who was engaged for 5 years. I met my now Darling Husband and got married all while she was engaged. After a while everyone just stopped asking about when the wedding would be. We were all shocked when we got their Save The Dates. 

Post # 47
Member
2637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

aleycat65 :  so… are you saying waiting 5 more years after getting a ring is *your* idea, or it was actually his? If you were willing, would HE be willing to marry you now?

Post # 49
Member
2637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

aleycat65 : Good for you for being direct.  So after 8 years together it’s really HIS idea to wait another 5 years (total of 13 years!!) and you are going along with it…   I would not! I would want to know exactly *why* he is dragging his feet… because that is what he is doing, make no mistake. There’s evidently some uncertainty there on some level for him regarding your relationship. 

Post # 50
Member
786 posts
Busy bee

I guess I don’t understand then. In light of your recent update, he wants to wait 5 years to get married but then when pressed said he’d do it next week at the courthouse…so which is it?

It seems like he’s making you wait arbitrarily. If he’s truly willing to marry you at the courthouse next week, then that leaves lots of room to compromise. Between next week and 5 years from now, I think you can come up with a happy medium.

I don’t think it’s the engagement you need to focus on, it’s when the marriage will take place that you need to discuss further.

Post # 51
Member
2637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

neverbeenstungbee :  despite what he told her I bet he would not do it.   He’s trying to give her (basically) a “shut up” ring to buy an additional 5 years after the 8 years they’ve already been together!. she’s trying to frame it as if she’s ok with waiting yet another half decade but dig through the layers and probably not really.     We see this shit done to women all the time here.

Post # 54
Member
786 posts
Busy bee

aleycat65 :  if you’re 110% happy with the plan to wait 5 years to get married then that’s ok.

But if you’re not truly happy with that deep down and just going along with it because it was his idea, just know that you DO have the power to speak up and propose a different timeline. 

I’d hate for you to wait it out and then realize 5 years later that he actually doesn’t want to get married and then have wasted your youth on this guy

I just want you to feel empowered about your future 

Post # 55
Member
214 posts
Helper bee

I’m an atheist and I don’t see a point in such a long engagement.  Not sure what religion has to do with it. 

Post # 56
Member
11647 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

“Hence intimate, with close family and without bridal parties, showers etc.”

Why would you need to save up for five years for an intimate wedding? Would it be responsible to blow five years of savings on a party, at the expense of a more secure financial future? Might you have other priorities by then? A house and dogs are not one time expenses. There will always be something. 

Also, you say this is not about other people, but in the OP you literally say it’s about showing other people your commitment. I don’t think this does that.  

Post # 59
Member
388 posts
Helper bee

It sounds like you are very happy waiting to that point for your marriage, and happy with a long engagement. So do it. Other people will have opinions about it, but you aren’t marrying other people. 

 When I was waiting to get engaged, I made a post about ways to distract myself from being impatient, and I got a ton of “your Boyfriend or Best Friend is obviously making you miserable! He’s stalling for time, maybe he’ll never marry you, he’s telling you it’s soon to shut you up you know!!!”.
I think because a disproportionate number of posts on this site are women being like ‘my bf has told me 77 times he would propose in the next 3 months and never does, what should I do?’, people are WAY too quick to jump on the “he’s trying to shut you up!” train. If it’s what you want, do it. 

Post # 60
Member
678 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Such an interesting thread! My fiance and I have been engaged for almost 8 months and it has felt like an eternity. I always thought of the engagement as a “next step” but more so a stepping stone to marriage than a season of life on it’s own. You’ll probably get lots of questions from people who are curious but that honestly happens no matter what. I’m far too impatient for a five year engagement but if you have the patience for that more power to ya!

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