- 5 years ago
- Wedding: May 2016
Hello Bees! Recently married in May of this year, but we had been together 6 years prior and cohabitating 4 years. My question is how much time do you spend with your husband/finace? The amount of time my husband and I are spending together is causing a real rift in my marriage.
My husband is very involved with his hobby – martial arts. I totally support him and think it is great for him to have something he is so passionate about. However, I feel like it takes up all of his time! I work Monday to Friday and am a lawyer, so I do have to work late some evenings and on some weekends, but I generally try to be home by 6:00 p.m. I go to bed around 10/10:30 pm Monday to Friday. My husband is a substitute teacher and does not work every day, but when he does work he is home by 3:30. He also works a weekend job every other weekend on Saturday and Sunday from 3-11 p.m. to make extra money. He goes to martial arts classes every Monday, Wednesday and Thursday from about 5:30. He arrives home between 9:30 and 10:30. He takes literally every class that the gym offers. We don’t see each other at all on these days of the week. When he is not working the weekend, he goes to for 2 hours on Friday night and 2-4 hours Sunday afternoon for what’s called “open mat” – essentially sparring. The problem with Fridays is that it starts at 7, so I see him qiuckly after work, then he is off and usually home too late to go out or actually do much. He skips Tuesdays so we can spend time together that evening, but if he “spends lots of time with me” one weekend (i.e.: we go away and he misses open mat) he wants to go on Tuesday too.
I basically feel like I have a husband Tuesday evenings, every other Saturday, and Sunday mornings (which are always spent going to church so not really interacting). When we decided to get married, I imagined us spending most evenings together. Having dinner together, sharing meals, doing activities, sharing hobbies, etc.I am sick of spending every evening at home alone, and every other weekend. I already miss him every other weekend while he is working. I have made suggestions such as him taking one or two classes each MWT instead of 3, so that we can have dinner together. Whenever I ask him to spend more time with me, it always ends up in a big argument. He tells me he will stop doing it so much whenever “X” event is over (grading, a tournament). He makes me feel like it is a chore for him. He accuses me of being unsupportive of his hobby which he is so clearly passionate about. My feelings are that he spends almost 20 hours a week on average doing his martial arts, and much less than that with me. I just want to be a priority for him as much as the martial arts. He tells me that he doesn’t complain when I have to work long hours at work, but I don’t do that by choice – obviously I’d rather be hanging out with him than working.
On a side note, I am not interested in joining martial arts. His gym is very “hardcore” and I am not interested in combat sports. I do have some friends and hobbies of my own, but my close friends all have small children, so are quite busy in the evenings and on weekends. Also, in all other ways, my husband is a good husband. Other than this point of contention, we see eye to eye on most issues and are otherwise happy.
Lately, I have been feeling really lonely, unloved, and ignored. I miss my husband. He makes me feel like I am unreasonable, unsupportive, needy, and a burden on him. When we do have time together, I try to plan activities for us to do that we can enjoy, so we are not just sitting around the house doing our own thing. I worry about what is going to happen if we have kids – will I be parenting them alone while he is doing his martial arts?
How much time do you spend with your husband/SO? Is it “normal” to spend 20 hours a week on a sport? Please tell me if you think I am being unreasonable and unsupportive, or if you think my husband should spend more time with me. Do you have any advice on how to get him to prioritize our marriage, or how I can stop being so sensitive and feeling lonely/ignored?