(Closed) *Long* I need advice. Am I being unreasonable?

posted 5 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
2847 posts
Sugar bee

Wow. I think hobbies are great. But this seems a little beyond just a hobby considering he has basically cut out spending time with you in order to pursue it. He does have a priority in your relationship, it just isn’t you. If he really can’t see how this is a problem, you might want to consider counseling. If he can make the time for it.

Post # 4
54 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I think this would only be okay if you have an equally demanding hobby. My fiancé boxes and plays the piano which means he’s busy many evenings. But I take many ballet classes and am learning the violin. We usually have one nice morning together on the weekends and one evening on the weekend but it’s enough for us because both of us are passionate about our hobbies. 

I think your husband should compromise a little and make spending some time with you more of a priority! You’re not asking him to stop – just to cut down slightly. 

Post # 5
7635 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
cate23 :  I assume the martial arts is unrelated to his part time work?

If yes, then 3 nights a week + some weekend time is ridiculous. Yes he should significantly cut that back. When it goes 4 hours – all evening – I’d say even twice a week is excessive.

If the martial arts is related to his work I’d give more leeway, but it doesn’t sound like it is.

Post # 6
7425 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

I wouldn’t feel very good about that situation either. DH and I love to spend all the time we can together, especially because we don’t get as much as we’d like between his work, school, and our 2 young children. I think you have every reason to feel bummed about his lack of desire and willingness to spend time with you more. You’re not asking him to give it up completely, just to make your relationship a priority. It sucks when it feels like you’re not important enough to the person you love.

Post # 7
1487 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I don’t know, I’m a pretty serious horseback rider and while I’m on hiatus from riding at the moment, when I’m actualyl riding my schedule is probably pretty similar. I’ll ride 5-7 days a week and usually being at the barn requires 2-3 hours (once you factor in commute time) and during competition season it’s not unusual to be gone entire weekends. However DH competes in Triathalons so he’s usually training 2ish hours daily plus competes every few weekends. So while I don’t think 20 hours on a hobby is outrageous, I do think the imbalance between your time and his time spent on hobbies is problematic.

However, it does sound a bit excessive that he’s at the gym from 5:30 – 10:30 3x a week. That’s 5 hours which is a huge chunk of time. I would think he could reduce to 3 hours and that way still have 2 hours with you in the evenings.

Does he enjoy his substitute teaching job? I find that when I’m unhappy/unfulfilled with work that I become more intensive in my riding since it becomes the primary source of my fulfillment/sense of accomplishment. Typically when I’m feeling more challenged (in a positive way) and more certain of myself at my job than I’m more OK with stepping back a bit from my riding. 

Could that type of scenario be happening here?

Post # 8
7350 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I don’t think it matters what is normal in other relationships. What matters is that you’re not getting what you need from yours and your husband isn’t hearing you when you say that. I would agree that speaking about it with a counselor would be beneficial.

Do you know what your love language is? And does he? My husband and I do not live together during the week. My love language is quality time and knowing that helped us a lot because I need at least one good, deep and connected conversation with him during our time apart or I get a really stank attitude. His love language is physical touch and if he doesn’t get his need met, he gets moody and aggravating. Knowing these things about ourselves helps us and helps each other.

Despite the fact that we don’t spend as much time together as if we lived together, we’ve found that if we make sure, during the time we DO spend together, that it’s full of the things that really fill our tanks, then we stay feeling connected.

I personally think 20 hours is a lot of time to spend each week on a hobby but you may find that if your husband interacts with you based on your love language, your time together will fill you up effectively.

Post # 9
1298 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2021 - City, State

I have to wonder if this is something he has always done and you’re only recently having an issue with it, or if you’ve always had an issue with it?

I do think the amount of time he’s away seems quite high, I’d most likely feel the same in your shoes, he’s away most evenings and not spending time together would suck :(.


Post # 10
6960 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

I agree with PP. Is this something new that he’s doing? Because it sounds like you’ve been together for a while and only now because you are married you’re asking him to change. Do I think the amount of time he spends on his hobby is excessive? Yes. But it doesn’t really matter what I, or other strangers, think. It matters that it bothers you but I’d take a look at why all of a sudden this is a problem. He’s probably thinking that this has been the way it is the whole time, so why only now are you giving him a hard time about it. Just because you got married does not mean people change. Especially since you’ve already lived together for so long. 

Post # 11
3170 posts
Sugar bee

No wonder you are unhappy with the situation.

His hobby has taken over, I’m afraid.  His choice is either he cuts back significantly or he simply doesn’t do it.  His priority has to be his wife.  

So what is reasonable in terms of martial arts classes?

Two classes a week seems reasonable – both on weekday evenings.  They have to suit you too.  You might like to have classes in something else on the same evenings .  The rest of the time you need to be together.  

An alternative is that he takes classes when you are working.

This is especially important because it’s your first year of marriage and you need to get to know each other as husband and wife.  This is true even if you’ve lived together for a number of years 

You both go to church.  I assume that you were married in a church.  Your husband has to honour you and give everything he is to you.  Martial arts is way down the list.

The fact that you are feeling so lonely and ignored is a huge warning sign.  Things need to change.

Can I also ask you to confirm that he is doing an equal share of the household chores – cooking, washing, cleaning, etc.?  (If he’s working fewer hours than you then he should be doing over 50%.) It’s a strange thing to say but quite a few young well-educated American women with good jobs who are on this site seem to be doing most of the housework.    I hope that this isn’t true in your case.

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