Long-ish post: I'm jealous and totally ashamed of it

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
198 posts
Blushing bee

Could you both do a love languages test and show each other your results? From what you said, it sounds like words of affirmation make a huge difference to you. I don’t know anything else about the situation, but is it possible he’s giving you love in different ways that don’t fulfil your emotional needs as much?

Post # 4
Member
927 posts
Busy bee

I think you’re right to feel upset about this, I would too. How is your relationship other than this? You said you think he speaks to you like “one of the guys”, which is really odd to me tbh. 

Post # 5
Member
1295 posts
Bumble bee

I do not agree at all that your husband has done something wrong here, nor do I think he has done anything intentionally to slight you (at least, given what you’ve said). 

Praising someone on Facebook means very little, honestly, so you’ve GOT to stop concerning yourself with that. And why can’t he think THAT highly of his sister and not simultaneously think that highly of you? Moreover, if he is the type of person to praise people for their personalities and tenacity, then I doubt he MARRIED someone without being concerned that his wife had an excellent personlity, was tenacious, and was praise-worthy. 

Additionally, you mentioned that he bought you flowers for your engagement but did FAR more for his sister’s graduation. Okay, but graduation ceremonies are typical, and it’s no surprise that he went to it. Anniversaries have to be planned very specifically, and you could’ve planned a romantic evening yourself. Why did he have to do it? Why is that what proves his love to you? 

Now, does he never EVER praise you? Does he ever recognize your hard work at home? Would there be some reason that he would marry you, a woman he does NOT respect, while carrying on about the merits of other women? 

 

Post # 6
Member
36 posts
Newbee

I wouldn’t say he is doing this on purpose or in a way that means he doesn’t care about you. More than likely he assumes you know that he feels that way about you, as another poster said he probably wouldn’t have married someone he didn’t thnk highly of if that is the way he looks at others. But, I would be hurt too! Not because he praises other people but because he doesn’t make an effort to make sure you know you are his #1. I am personally very sensitive with that kind of stuff, and no matter what you ‘know’ to be right it still makes you feel bad. 

I would sit him down to have a talk on the more serious side, and let him know that this isn’t something to just brush off. Don’t make it seem like you are angry with him for his attention to others, but just that you need/want him to show more effort in appreciating the things that you do. 

Its not necisarily weird that he talks to you like ‘one of the guys’, but he needs to remember that you are not just his best friend, but his lover. My boyfriend and I are absolutely best friends. I get along with all of his friends and often I do become ‘one of the guys’ in a way. But he still has to take effort in our romantic side of the relationship too. 

Post # 7
Member
1076 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

Sometimes when we’re jealous of other people receiving compliments or getting praise it’s because we are comparing ourselves to that person and saying “what do I have to be proud of?”  I have no idea if this is your situation, but your husband’s positive talk of other women might be because you are self-conscious about something within yourself?  Do you wish you had something specific to be proud of?  Do you feel you’re lacking somehow, and that’s perhaps why seeing other people get praised is hurtful?  Obviously we don’t want to get caught up in the rat race of always accomplishing MORE than other people, but usually if someone is being complimented it’s because they’ve earned it.  Maybe someone really IS just particularly funny, and people notice that about them, including your husband.

Another option is that perhaps it has nothing to do with his compliments of women at all – perhaps you’re just really desiring more or better quality attention from your husband.  Sometimes we can take out our frustrations on slightly related things, although they’re not the root issue.  You mentioned that you don’t like the way your husband talks to you like one of the guys, and I would hate that too.  Maybe it’s time to have a discussion about how he could stand to treat you more like a lady?  Or that you’re missing quality time with him?  Or that you miss having more romantic dates with him?  Whatever the case may be, it’s necessary to bring it up and ask that he take you seriously.

Post # 9
Member
2916 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

frenchtoast123 :  Maybe your husband just assumes you know that he’s proud of you?  I understand wanting to hear those words of affirmaiton, we all want to be recognized for our achievements.  But if he has to say something all the time (like, hey babe, I’m really impressed with how you made that pot roast) then it can become disingenuous.  I’m sure he’s not complimenting his sister on every single thing she does, right?  He’s not posting on social media that she’s the best housekeeper he’s ever met.  He’s likely not praising his coworkers for filing the papers neatly.

Sometimes, when you’re good at stuff, people expect that of you.  You’ve set the bar high and you’re meeting and exceeding it, and usually when you’re that good at everything, you don’t get the recognition you want.  Does that make sense?  But I understand wanting to hear it once in a while, like when you’ve had a big accomplishment.  Maybe your sister in law had to work really hard or had a lot of struggles in getting through college, so that’s why your husband made a bigger deal about it than you graduating, for example.

It also could be he’s become a bit complacent in your relationship.  You sound like you got together young and have been together for 5 years.  Sometimes people can get lazy.  I get treated like “one of the guys” a lot too and I have to gently remind my husband that I’m not just one of his guy friends and that’s enough for him to say he didn’t realize that he’s been a bit lazy.  Relationships need attention and maybe your husband just needs reminding of that.

Post # 10
Member
6479 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

sunnierdaysahead2 :  “Maybe your husband just assumes you know that he’s proud of you?”

This is how my husband sees it. 

frenchtoast123 :  OP, I totally understand needing those words of affirmation. I’m like you in that way. It makes me feel extra special to hear that I’ve done a good job or that someone is proud of me and thankful for what I contribute. And I KNOW my husband feels that way, but he doesn’t voice it much. We actually had a talk about this a few weeks ago. It was over something silly like the fact that I always do all our laundry and I never get a thank you. He thought that was nuts because obviously he’s thankful! But I told him directly that the actual words “thank you” are something I need to hear every once in a while. I wasn’t asking him to thank me every single time I do the wash, but once in a while acknowledge how much I contribute to our relationship and how thankful he is to have me in his life. He had no idea that those words would mean that much to me! But he listened and said he’d try to make sure to do that going forward since it was important to me. Have you tried talking to your husband about things like this?

Post # 11
Member
3389 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

frenchtoast123 :  OP, this would hurt me too. I dont think your jealousy is irrational. I’m wondering the same as PP; maybe he assumes you already know he feels that way about you. Maybe he’s showing you love and adoration in a way that means a lot to him but gets lost in translation? Maybe sit him down and just let him know that you feel silly having these feelings & you know he loves you but you need more verbal recognition from him. That you’d rather those things that ‘go without saying’, stop going without saying. Sometimes partners need reminders of how you want to be loved on, life gets busy and people get complacent. Every once in a while you have to kick start things again when they get a little stale. If you’ve never had this conversation with him, it’s high time you did!

Post # 12
Member
275 posts
Helper bee

Don’t be embarrassed to bring it up to your husband! Be open and honest and try to explain how you are feeling to him… it’s normal to want validation for little things and sometimes life gets in the way of small day to day compliments… just have a discussion with him and explain that these are things you really want/need 🙂 

Post # 13
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2020 - Breckenridge, CO

frenchtoast123 :  I agree that your husband probably just assumes you know what he thinks of you since you’re the one he married. My gut says he isn’t malicious or unfaithful by any means. But if it is bothering you enough, couples therapy would probably be very beneficial! 

Post # 14
Member
294 posts
Helper bee

I can definitely relate to your feelings, as I often feel that my fiance doesn’t acknowledge my good qualities, but he’s quick to complain or point out flaws. If you’re anything like me, you probably don’t even want your husband to say nice things TO you, but you’d be thrilled if you found out he was saying nice things ABOUT you.

That’s my dilemma. I’ve told my fiance that it hurts when he’s overly critical, so he makes an effort to praise me sometimes, but I’m still unhappy because he has a history of saying negative things about me behind my back. He says he doesn’t do it anymore, but I find that hard to believe.

I also know that when his friends and coworkers ask about me, he won’t say anything positive when he has the chance. Case in point: Last year for Valentine’s Day, I got him a rather expensive box of chocolate-dipped strawberries from Godiva (his favorite), and I worked from home that day so I could surprise him when he got home (normally he gets home before me). The next day, I overheard him on the phone with his best friend from high school (a girl) and she asked what we did for Valentine’s Day. He said “Nothing,” and then changed the subject. Nothing?! So I didn’t get him a thoughtful gift? I didn’t stay home from work so we could spend more time together that evening? I was so upset that he seemed to be hiding my good qualities from other people, like he didn’t want to say anything positive about me. But in the past, I’ve caught him complaining about me to those same friends, even when he didn’t have anything to complain about (in those cases, he would make something up, just so he’d have something to complain about). So it doesn’t really make me feel better when he praises me in the privacy of our home, when it’s just the two of us, because I don’t think he’s being sincere. But if I knew he was telling his friends and coworkers how wonderful I am, when I’m not there, I’d be so happy. Because then I would know that he really means it.

It doesn’t sound like your husband is that bad, but I can understand why you’d feel hurt to find out that he doesn’t really tell his friends and colleagues about you, when he could be telling them how amazing you are. I don’t really have any advice for you, but I totally understand how you feel.

For me, I need to know that my fiance really does think highly of me and that he notices and appreciates my good qualities. If he only says nice things to me in private, when prompted, I feel like he’s just telling me what I want to hear. What he says about me to others when I’m not there is a more accurate reflection of how he really feels. But I can’t exactly force him to talk about me in a positive way, and I definitely can’t force him to feel a certain way about me. I don’t just want him to SAY nice things, I want him to mean it. And that’s the part that causes feelings of insecurity.

Post # 15
Member
298 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: City, State

frenchtoast123 :  I think your feelings make sense and other bees telling you they don’t probably won’t change how you feel.

I’ve been in similar situations and I just had to be honest. Your husband probably doesn’t realize he’s doing this, he might think that because he’s shown his commitment to you, you know how much he cares. I’ve seen plenty of guys that lose that concept past a certain point. 

As affectionate as my boyfriend is and as often as he tells me he loves me, I have to ask him to lay out the reasons he loves me. His favorite traits about me. When I compliment him, I say things like “you’re such a great partner”; when he returns the compliment, he tells me how much he loves me. Which is great, but sometimes I want to hear why. Sometimes we need to know why we keep the fire going for our partners, not just that we do. Knowing what about you lights him up makes you feel good.

I think plenty of bees have been in your situation. I think you need to sit him down and say “babe, I know how much you love me, but sometimes I need to hear ____ to make me feel better. I see how proud you are of ____ and I want to know that you’re proud of me too.” You’re allowed to show vulnerability in your marriage.

His guy friends may have said those things about you when they first met you but maybe those comments have died down now that you’re married. My boyfriend’s friends initially told me how much they like me and now they never comment on it because I’ve become familiar and those things they like so much are just me. They’re probably used to you by how. And your husband knows why he loves you, his friends don’t need to remind him.

I’ve also known guys who have similar feelings as you but they’re afraid to express their feelings because they don’t think it’s acceptable.

So yeah. I would just sit him down and talk it out. My partner and I are in a Dominant/submissive relationship, with him being the D. Most says I can be strong and fierce but when I need to be vulnerable, I tell him I’m “feeling subby”, and he has my back.

I’m sure he will support you if you tell him what you need. Don’t present it as jealousy because it’s really not, it’s just you looking to connect with your partner in a different way.

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