Long-ish post: I'm jealous and totally ashamed of it

posted 6 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
298 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Also, I agree with amongclouds : . Love languages are important. He might be showing you he’s proud of you but you can’t see it because you’re speaking a different language.

Post # 17
Member
477 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

frenchtoast123 :  I highly recommend reading the Five Love Languages together! It sounds like your love language is words of affirmation, and this book will show you both that your “love tank” won’t be full unless your husband starts “speaking” your love language. Your feelings aren’t silly or anything like that. Your husband would feel the same way you do if lets say his primary love language was physical touch and you hardly ever touched him. Everyone feels love in different ways and its important that our spouses know what way we need most.

Just tell your husband “hey I heard about this book that’s awesome for couples to read let’s read some before bed!” It’s not a long book and it isn’t boring at all. My husband REALLY struggles to stay focused when reading but he was able to focus on this one! 

Post # 18
Member
315 posts
Helper bee

I think the way your husband talks about the women in his life is a breath of fresh air in this world. I would bet he talks about you in the same way to others. Either way based on how you described him, I’d also bet that he would try his hardest to hear you out if you expressed your own feelings of insecurity to him.

Post # 19
Member
336 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - City, State

the shame you are feeling is the “second arrow,” you’re shooting yourself with…
is there a way you can remove the shame?

there’s a reason you’re feeling what you’re feeling. But I’d take the focus off the other women, and realize that it’s just a sign that your garden needs some watering. 

there are ways to ask for what you need… and ways to create it. 

If you can allow him to be your hero sometimes, he may stop relating to you like “one of the guys,” it just takes a little time and moving through the awkwardness of what might feel stagey at first. 

check out Alison Armstrong, “understanding men” and “the Queen’s Code” – she’s amazing at transforming the way we relate to our men. big huge eye-opener. 

it sounds like you’ve got a wonderful relationship foundation.. don’t despair, bee. these feelings are just a sign that you need something, and it’s good to listen to them. 

this could be a wonderful renewal for your relationship, actually 🙂 
 and it’s a shift that you can gently make, so you dont’ even need to involve him at first. 

allison has some free podcasts and things, but also those books are a big help.  best of luck! 

Post # 20
Member
693 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Turkey

Part of the issue is because you don’t seem like you think about yourself that highly to begin with. We allow others to treat casually by treating us casually. There might have been times he actually showed how proud he was or he didn’t see you like “one of the boys”, otherwise, why did you even marry him?

It’s normal to seek attention from the spouse, but he shouldn’t have gotten so lazy about it too. Jealousy is a disease but your feelings aren’t the sole problem. As a couple you need to talk about these feeling and work it out. He takes you for granted, because you haven’t said anything against his behaviors.

For example, my fiance has told me “bro” once or twice after army service because he got very used to the environment there, I went “Please don’t address to me like that anymore, I’m not your friend”. He didn’t do that again and also stepped up his game.

You’re really early into marriage and this issue leads to resentment. Talk it out good luck. 

Post # 21
Member
34 posts
Newbee

Take a love language test together! I was jealous of my boyfriend spending quality time with friends, and golfing etc, because it felt like he was choosing them over me. Until we took the test and I realized that wasn’t the way he showed his love. Of course he wants to spend time with me, it just isn’t the number one way he shows his love. His language is acts of service, he starts my car for me in the morning, picks up the house before going golfing with friends, and picks up milk on his way home. So I started seeing the little ways he shows it. Maybe when he talks about other people that way it really means less to him than you know, and he’s really showing his love for you in another way, but once he sees how much it means to you to hear how he feels he’ll tell you it more often! I know that both me and my boyfriend try and show each other our love in the way the other expresses it now!

Post # 22
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee

I agree with PP who said that your husband probably assumes that you already know he thinks the world of you. BUT … I will say I’ve been in a similar position and it royally sucked. In our case it was gift giving though, not words of affirmation, so a different love language that we weren’t vibing on. My ex-boyfriend lived abroad for six months when we were in college. He traveled all over the world. My birthday happened to be the week he got home. He brought home thoughtful gifts for his sister and parents from around the world. Like really thoughtful, expensive gifts that his girlfriend of 3 years would have loved to have! lol. I got a couple T-shirts and a keychain. It hurt a lot. It made me feel like I didn’t matter as much as other people to him. In my case, that actually turned out to be true. He put me last because he thought that by loving me, that was enough. With other people, he was much more thoughtful. I don’t think this is the case with your husband — I think it’s probably more of a miscommunication as PP have said. Just wanted to comment and say that I feel your pain because I know how much it can hurt to watch your SO do things for other people that you wish he’d do for you, leaving you feeling under appreciated.  

Post # 24
Member
587 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I have to echo the love languages. He may just not realize what he is doing. You don’t mention any other issues in your relationship, so I’m not considering anything else. But, my husband and I read and complete the 5 Love Languages quiz together. It really brought us together and we reference those quite often. 

https://www.5lovelanguages.com/ 

Post # 25
Member
1069 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I would agree about the love languages thing, except it sounds like he’s got no problem giving words of affirmation, quite publicly, to other people. 

If you’re really doing everything around the house, and he doesn’t even acknowledge or thank you, then I would also be annoyed in your position. You should talk to him about how you’re feeling and let him know how much it hurts you.

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