Post # 1
Just got engaged to my LDR man of 3.2 years. We took things slow and easy and natural and it’s a great relationship. We are both trying to figure out now if we tie the knot in September or next June (2020). We talked about it last night and decided on sooner. Those time frames are primarily because of my teaching job–I either renew my contract for a whole nother year, or I don’t sign it for next year. My paychecks from this year will stop in August, hence, September.
I will be moving, not him, and I am starting to wonder if we should do next June. Neither of us wants to wait that long, but, I am primarily worried about finances. Doing it next June will give us more time to save up for a wedding. FTR, we are doing something small–probably about 50/60 people. All we are doing is a ceremony and then taking people out to dinner. Neither of us wants a traditional ‘party’ reception with all the dancing and all that. Some of those people will likely be invited to dinner but not ceremony, as we will probably have that be family only. We are doing this both to keep costs down and also to help with the amount of drama–neither of us wants a big shindig. Honestly both of us would prefer the JOP but our families wouldn’t like that so much so we decided to compromise with a small thing.
My hesitation in doing so soon is job related. Right now I don’t have anything lined up where he lives; however, there is no guarantee that I will have something lined up next year either. I have been applying and interviewing.
We are 36 and 40 this year, so waiting a whole nother year would put us at 37/41 before we would even be married and both of us do want kids. I would not want to start trying *immeadiately* so time is of some essence. Also both of our grandmothers are 99 and so if we waited, there is a chance they would not be around for the ceremony in another year and this year they are both still with us but both going downhill,
So, the dilemma. Do we wait or do we re-think and take the plunge?
How do we talk about our financial expectations in marriage, also? That is a conversation we haven’t yet had as we weren’t engaged. It more affects me, as I am the one giving up my job to move. I don’t know how to ask him exactly if he is okay supporting me until I get my own job without seeming like it’s all about the money. If we wait one year, I personally am able to save a bit more for the wedding, but, it does mean that he might be supporting me for a few months solely on his income. Yes, I know we are getting married but I know this can be a touchy subject. Thoughts, ideas? Thanks.
Post # 2
If you don’t feel comfortable talking about finances, are you really ready to get married? Finances are one of those topics that should be discussed before engagement.
Post # 3
You are planning on quitting your job and moving to be with him and yet you haven’t had a conversation about finances? You need to sit down and lay it all out there. If you are making the move, is he ok with floating you while you look for a job? Or will be you be expected to split the bills with him?
These are very important questions to be asking before the move takes place. Make sure you are on the same page.
Post # 4
It does seem strange you have not discuss finances or a plan of action and you are already engaged and starting to plan a wedding. Just out of curiosity, how long distance are you? How did you meet, and how much in person time have you two gotten to spend over the past 3 years?
Post # 5
Can you afford what you want now? From your post I don’t see anything that makes it sound like you need to wait. You don’t have a job yet but it’s only May, you likely wouldn’t get a job prior now for a start date of October anyway.
If I had already done over three years long distance I would want to get married immediately, but that’s just me. But then again you seem to be in a really weird situation, how are you thinking about moving to him jobless without discussing finances? And you are moving ahead with wedding planning without those discussions?
Post # 6
These conversations can be hard to navigate, but they absolutely need to happen, and before you get married.
When I got engaged to my husband I was in a similar position of having to quit my job to move to a new city for him. Fortunately, my husband raised the subject himself before I moved and told me he would support us fully for as long as it took me to find a job, since I was the one making the big sacrifice to move for him. Honestly if he hadn’t been willing to do that, I would have been pretty put off. If he was relocating for ME, I would have done the same.
I think you just need to rip off the bandaid and have a candid discussion. Explain everything to him that you’ve put in your post and see how he reacts. Hopefully he is already assuming it might be on him to support you for awhile until you find a job in his city.
Post # 7
- Wedding: September 2018 - City, State
There is no right or wrong answer about when and how to get married. However, specific, detailed convos about money and kids before
getting engaged are an absolute necessity. You need to be sure you’re compatible in these areas (they’re two main causes of divorce), and also be able to handle inevitable conflicts (because no matter how perfect you are for each other, you’ll never see eye to eye on 100% of things.)
Here are some good articles that might help you get started:
Please, please, PLEASE have these convos before you make any more decisions about jobs, contracts, moving, kids, or even getting engaged.
Post # 8
We have discussed finances in the general sense. Such as, we are both savers, we both don’t like to spend money, etc. etc. Sorry for the confusion. What we have not discussed is what happens if I don’t get a job after the wedding immeadiately. I felt it wasn’t appropriate to ask him about that until we were actually engaged as until then it was a hypothetical. I think his assumption is that I will get one. I am not convinced as I have applied for tons of them and so far, nothing. Yes, it is possible I still could, but not guaranteed.
I don’t think it is a wierd situation. I just don’t like to have these kinds of conversations and I guess it is time to put on the big girl pants and do it. Haha. We literally had our first conversation about wedding planning yesterday. Which is why I am thinking about it now. Previously he knew I would not move without a job unless we were married. Now that we are engaged it is different. We are both tired of the distance.
As far as affording it, it depends. We will need to keep the wedding under 4K to afford it now. I am planning on ballpark figures of 1K for sanctuary and officiant (already have some places in mind in this range), 1K photographer, 1.5 dinner for everyone and $500 for incidentals. That would be 2K each if we split it. My parents have offered to buy my dress and accessories. For flowers, I am just going to get rose boquets and for bridesmaids dresses I am going to have them just wear a nice black dress. If we even have attendants, which we might not.
I guess we just need to talk about it huh bees?
Post # 9
- Wedding: September 2018 - City, State
I think his assumption is
I don’t want to be harsh, but this is your problem right here. Don’t think. Don’t assume. Talk it out. Good for you for being proactive about applying for jobs, considering all your options, and whatnot. But you’re about to be a team and will have some degree of financial culpability for each other. Even my husband and I, who have completely separate banking and Venmo each other for rent/utility payments, know that if one of us ends up in serious financial trouble then it is on both of us to fix the situation.
Now is the time for pulling on your big girl panties, as you said. This type of important, potentially conflict-laden conversation will happen more and more often the more committed you are to each other. Now it’s jobs, then it will be kids, moving, mortgages, career changes, retirement, medical expenses … practice, practice, practice! If these kinds of conversations are hard for you, it might not be a terrible idea for the two of you to complete a premarital counseling workbook or see a couples’ counselor just for a session or two to make sure you have guidance on how to go about it. Not because there’s anything wrong, but just to make sure you’re both equipped with the communication tools to make these kinds of convos a success from the beginning.
Post # 10
I think so too, you should really talk about Plan B or the “what ifs”. For me that would be the first thing to ask. One can never plan the future to 100%, but you can be aware of problems and difficult situation and have some kind of backup plan. This will save you a lot of frustration.
I also think that once you’re physically there, it will be easier to find a job. My job situation would be more important for me than getting married, but this is a personal preference.
For the wedding; you pointed out a lot of arguments in favor of having a wedding sooner then later, if I understand correct, the only countrargument would be money? As you laid out, one can have a wedding with a low budget and I think that you’re level of happiness is not affected by a bigger venue or a expensive costs. But again, those or personal preferences and if you’re ok with that, you should talk with your fiancé about all of this and what is most important for him.
Post # 11
He prefers the sooner wedding. As do I if we only discuss time.
But I want to make sure we are making the right decisions. Maybe waiting is better financially. Not dure. Yes, I guess these conversations will come up more and more. I am just not liking potential conflict, but, that is not going to help here. My previous marriage was very conflict-laden and everything fell to me including all money management and sometimes I think I still react to that.
To make a confident decision we need to have this conversation, so, I will bring it up with him. It makes me slightly uncomfortable, but, it makes me more uncomfortable not to have it. So deep breath and onward!
Post # 12
yoyoyo123 : “My previous marriage was very conflict-laden and everything fell to me including all money management and sometimes I think I still react to that.”
I get this. But don’t you want to make sure you’re not signing up for the same type of arrangement in your new marriage? Yes, it may be uncomfortable to initiate this convo, but your partner may pleasantly surprise you with what he says. He’s not your ex!
Post # 13
My husband and I got engaged while we were still long distance (3000 miles apart for 6 years— engaged for the last 18 months of that!). We had to wait until I finished my medical residency before I could move to his city and our timing was really dependent on when my residency graduation was. In your case, you have some flexibility! I can’t imagine wanting to draw out the time apart. You’re engaged, you’re planning to get married— that means you want to be together, why would you want to spend an extra year apart?
Some of your comments about conversations you haven’t had are concerning to me. My now-husband and I talked ALL about our expectations for finances even before we were engaged. He knew I have serious medical school loans to pay, and knew if I didn’t find a job straight out of residency, we would be living on his income alone. We also talked about what would happen if one or both of us ever decided to work part time or take a pay cut. We talked about whether we would have separate or joint bank accounts. You need to have these conversations NOW before any vows are said.
If you talk about finances and all the other important life logistics, and are on the same page— then why wait? Get married, start your life together, enjoy all the time you have left to be together 🙂
I hope you’re as happy closing the distance as I am!!!
Post # 14
Thanks! We are happy yes.
I mentioned to him that I wanted to discuss these things. He said it would be fine and had also been thinking about it and wanted to discuss it also. The questions you asked are exactly the ones I have for our relationship. We are going to talk about it in greater detail in person this weekend when we see each other.
I need to know that I am secure I think. With ex I wasn’t, and as I said it all fell to me. It took me a long time to recover financially from the divorce and name change and so now I am very protective of everything I have built up. It isn’t even that much, but I worked my rear off for it. There is a part of me that is scared to be unemployed even for a little and it doesn’t have anything really to do with him. I just need to know we are on the same page. Talking about it this weekend will be good.