Long or short engagement in LDR

posted 9 months ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 2
Member
3597 posts
Sugar bee

If you don’t feel comfortable talking about finances, are you really ready to get married?  Finances are one of those topics that should be discussed before engagement.

Post # 3
Member
3098 posts
Sugar bee

You are planning on quitting your job and moving to be with him and yet you haven’t had a conversation about finances?  You need to sit down and lay it all out there.  If you are making the move, is he ok with floating you while you look for a job?  Or will be you be expected to split the bills with him?  

These are very important questions to be asking before the move takes place.  Make sure you are on the same page.

Post # 4
Member
273 posts
Helper bee

It does seem strange you have not discuss finances or a plan of action and you are already engaged and starting to plan a wedding.  Just out of curiosity, how long distance are you?  How did you meet, and how much in person time have you two gotten to spend over the past 3 years?

Post # 5
Member
5857 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

Can you afford what you want now? From your post I don’t see anything that makes it sound like you need to wait. You don’t have a job yet but it’s only May, you likely wouldn’t get a job prior now for a start date of October anyway.

If I had already done over three years long distance I would want to get married immediately, but that’s just me. But then again you seem to be in a really weird situation, how are you thinking about moving to him jobless without discussing finances? And you are moving ahead with wedding planning without those discussions?

Post # 6
Member
7716 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

These conversations can be hard to navigate, but they absolutely need to happen, and before you get married. 

When I got engaged to my husband I was in a similar position of having to quit my job to move to a new city for him. Fortunately, my husband raised the subject himself before I moved and told me he would support us fully for as long as it took me to find a job, since I was the one making the big sacrifice to move for him. Honestly if he hadn’t been willing to do that, I would have been pretty put off. If he was relocating for ME, I would have done the same.

I think you just need to rip off the bandaid and have a candid discussion. Explain everything to him that you’ve put in your post and see how he reacts. Hopefully he is already assuming it might be on him to support you for awhile until you find a job in his city.

Post # 7
Member
615 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - City, State

yoyoyo123 :  There is no right or wrong answer about when and how to get married. However, specific, detailed convos about money and kids before getting engaged are an absolute necessity. You need to be sure you’re compatible in these areas (they’re two main causes of divorce), and also be able to handle inevitable conflicts (because no matter how perfect you are for each other, you’ll never see eye to eye on 100% of things.)

Here are some good articles that might help you get started:

https://www.gottman.com/blog/category/managing-money-in-marriage/

Please, please, PLEASE have these convos before you make any more decisions about jobs, contracts, moving, kids, or even getting engaged.

Good luck!

Post # 9
Member
615 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - City, State

yoyoyo123 :  

I think his assumption is

I don’t want to be harsh, but this is your problem right here. Don’t think. Don’t assume. Talk it out. Good for you for being proactive about applying for jobs, considering all your options, and whatnot. But you’re about to be a team and will have some degree of financial culpability for each other. Even my husband and I, who have completely separate banking and Venmo each other for rent/utility payments, know that if one of us ends up in serious financial trouble then it is on both of us to fix the situation.

Now is the time for pulling on your big girl panties, as you said. This type of important, potentially conflict-laden conversation will happen more and more often the more committed you are to each other. Now it’s jobs, then it will be kids, moving, mortgages, career changes, retirement, medical expenses … practice, practice, practice! If these kinds of conversations are hard for you, it might not be a terrible idea for the two of you to complete a premarital counseling workbook or see a couples’ counselor just for a session or two to make sure you have guidance on how to go about it. Not because there’s anything wrong, but just to make sure you’re both equipped with the communication tools to make these kinds of convos a success from the beginning.

Post # 10
Member
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

I think so too, you should really talk about Plan B or the “what ifs”. For me that would be the first thing to ask. One can never plan the future to 100%, but you can be aware of problems and difficult situation and have some kind of backup plan. This will save you a lot of frustration.

I also think that once you’re physically there, it will be easier to find a job. My job situation would be more important for me than getting married, but this is a personal preference.

For the wedding; you pointed out a lot of arguments in favor of having a wedding sooner then later, if I understand correct, the only countrargument would be money? As you laid out, one can have a wedding with a low budget and I think that you’re level of happiness is not affected by a bigger venue or a expensive costs. But again, those or personal preferences and if you’re ok with that, you should talk with your fiancé about all of this and what is most important for him.

Post # 12
Member
7716 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

yoyoyo123 :  “My previous marriage was very conflict-laden and everything fell to me including all money management and sometimes I think I still react to that.”

I get this. But don’t you want to make sure you’re not signing up for the same type of arrangement in your new marriage? Yes, it may be uncomfortable to initiate this convo, but your partner may pleasantly surprise you with what he says. He’s not your ex!

Post # 13
Member
1515 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

Hi Bee,

My husband and I got engaged while we were still long distance (3000 miles apart for 6 years— engaged for the last 18 months of that!). We had to wait until I finished my medical residency before I could move to his city and our timing was really dependent on when my residency graduation was. In your case, you have some flexibility! I can’t imagine wanting to draw out the time apart. You’re engaged, you’re planning to get married— that means you want to be together, why would you want to spend an extra year apart?

Some of your comments about conversations you haven’t had are concerning to me. My now-husband and I talked ALL about our expectations for finances even before we were engaged. He knew I have serious medical school loans to pay, and knew if I didn’t find a job straight out of residency, we would be living on his income alone. We also talked about what would happen if one or both of us ever decided to work part time or take a pay cut. We talked about whether we would have separate or joint bank accounts. You need to have these conversations NOW before any vows are said.

If you talk about finances and all the other important life logistics, and are on the same page— then why wait? Get married, start your life together, enjoy all the time you have left to be together 🙂

I hope you’re as happy closing the distance as I am!!!

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