(Closed) Long Post… Advice Needed NWR

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
1489 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m so sorry you went through that. Your mom obviously has problems if she didn’t reject him entirely after your confession. I don’t think you ever need him back in your life, but I don’t have direct experience with this. I’m glad you know your mom is not healthy, nor is your dad obviously. Is your brother able to be a source of support for you?

Post # 3
Member
47444 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
anonymeee:  It is truly sad that your mother is not being supportive. Even without knowing the details, she should be able to make the link that it is not a good thing for you to be at an event with your Dad, until you, yourself, make the decision that you are ready.

Unfortunately for you, his side of the family doesn’t appear to know what happened, if I  am reading correctly. While you may have been absent when he was in the hospital, family members don’t know what happened so they are carrying on life with him as normal. Even if they did notice your absence, they probably assumed you has some minor disagreement with your Dad. It would not be the normal reaction for them to leap to the conclusion that he did something horrendous that violated the trust of his own daughter.
See your therapist and keep working towards recovery.

Post # 4
Member
6241 posts
Bee Keeper

I couldn’t read your post and not reply. I dont have a great deal to add. I echo what the others have said about keep working through your mum and dad issues with your therapist. It’s going to take a lifetime. I don’t mean that in a ‘life sentence ‘ kind of way, I mean it isnt something that’s ever ‘done’ and various situations and life’s happenings may make you feel things you thought you’d dealt with. And that’s ok. you are actually going to have more insight into yourself than some others will ever have. It doesn’t have to have any particular path or ending. But I promise you if you keep working on your therapy you will find peace. 

Post # 5
Member
258 posts
Helper bee

I just wanted to say how sorry I was that this happened to you and to say that your mum clearly doesn’t understand the severity of it. I can’t understand her thinking as if it happened to a child of mine that man would be beyond dead to me. It’s as though she has dimmed it down so that she can mentally deal with it And not face any guilt in it. I would probably have another talk with her and explain how hurtful it is that she clearly chooses his side even if she doesn’t mean it. Making you feel like you should just get over it means she clearly can’t picture it happening and if she had seen it she would feel so differently. I have to say I don’t understand why he is invited to your wedding as I believe this man shouldn’t get any privilege.  What he did to you is unforgivable and at the very least has mentally scarred you into adult hood. Could I ask have you ever spoke to him about what he did? has he ever tried to deny it to your family.  Thinking of you during this tough time chin up you have come so far and will get there. They are in the wrong not you. X

Post # 7
Member
74 posts
Worker bee

Firstly, I just wanted to say that I’m sorry this happened to you. I can relate as it’s something that happened to me except with an Uncle. I completely understand where you’re coming from. 

^ I agree with parts of those posts. Therapy definitely helps. I was around 6 when it happened to me and I’m 24 now with a little one of my own. You held onto that for so long!!! I only managed to hold it for 7yrs then it all came out. 

What happened in my situation was that he was basically kicked out of my mothers house and never invited back. I was never sent back for holidays (he was the Uncle in law, my aunty was my mothers closest friend etc). Then gradually over time, it seemed like I was the only one who still had a problem with it. We’re talking by the time I turned 18-19 which is when I went overseas. Not related to situation with my Uncle, just normal OE stuff. After having my own child, I had to go back to therapy too because of the effect my son had on me and those memories. Trust issues, over protectiveness etc. 

It does feel like a betrayal, my family taking him back in. But in saying that, he’s always slightly on the outskirts. What I’ve come to realise is that everyone else has in part, forgiven him whereas I haven’t yet. And that’s ok. 

So I guess what I was saying with my blurb is that how you cope and the length of time it takes is completely on you. Nobody can set that time, it’s your stuff to deal with. And you held it in for soooo long! That has an effect too! 

You can email me here if you want to talk more indepth. Just know that you’re not alone and people can relate to your message. 🙂 You’ll be ok. 

Post # 11
Member
1489 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I guess I just don’t see how child molestation is a forgivable offense. I mean, it speaks to a deep personality flaw. How does his wife move past that? I’m sorry 🙁

Post # 12
Member
74 posts
Worker bee

I understand where you’re coming from. When I see my Uncle, it’s hard for me to stomach my feelings. 
He makes me feel sick and less of a person unfortunately. The whole “how can you walk around with your head held high when you’ve done such horrible things”. It’s hard to explain the emotional roller coaster that comes with the betrayal of a family member in that situation. They’re the ones who are supposed to love and nurture you, not hurt you in that manner. 

Family do tend to brush things under the carpet. If they don’t acknowledge it, then it’ll go away type of mindset. But further burrowing does no good in the long run, you truly need to address your emotions/feelings/thoughts with a therapist or even the significant other. My fiance was the first person I truly spoke to about it all. I mean, I told my family obviously. But I talk to my fiance about it whenever I feel it affecting me and he was the one who supported me through therapy. 

I don’t go all the time, just when I feel it weighing on me. I’m not comfortable talking about it with my mother as well, simply because I don’t want to cause her anymore heart ache. I can’t make everyone dislike him and that’s not healthy anyway! All I can do is live to the best of my ability. And I never let my son stay with him alone. (Unfortunately my mother lives with said aunty and uncle now in a different city as she has an amazing position and couldn’t afford high rental costs). She’s forgiven them but I haven’t. 

OMG YES! The mind games that come from it! Wondering if you’re going batshit because you’re second guessing yourself and the people you meet. Their intentions. Then convincing yourself that not everyone is as messed up as that individual when really, you don’t know. The insecurities…At least that’s what it was like for me. I’m not so bad now but it kind of helps that my fiance is super protective (even though we’re long distance). He’s veryyyyy suspicious by nature. 

It is your wedding. Your day. If he doesn’t add to the positivity, if in fact his presence makes things worse, then it’s completely your choice and right to not have him there. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, aside from your soon to be husband. 

It feels like alot but there’ll come a time when the burden is not so heavy. There’ll be reminders. But you’ll be ok. 🙂 

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