- 4 weeks ago
REPOST because dont know why but my previous post was marked as spam.
I have probably posted a bit about my friendship with what was one of my best friends. Where we are now is in a whole other place.
Let me start somewhat from the beginning. Warning for longer post
So this friend, lets call her E. We meet in Uni and had an immediate connection and started our friendship from day 1. During the following 5 years, we travelled a lot together, we’ve even lived together while studying abroad. I viewed E. as not only my friend, but my sister.
Then something changed. While we both finished or remaining studies and started our jobs we naturally started seeing each other a bit less, but we still messaged daily. But E. was starting to get more withdrawn, nothing dramatic but I could clearly see she was feeling sad. So both myself and one of E.s older friend (lets call her T.) (who I had hung out with multiple times, celebrated birthdays etc) started taking to each other and expressing out worries so we tried to make sure to be more attentive to E.
Sometime during this I met my now fiancé and we started dating. And as my relationship was progressing, my friendship with E. was taking a turn for the worse. She started demanding more attention, she started testing me by asking me to hang out tomorrow – when I accepted she’d usually change the day, and If I said I was going out with my boyfriend that time she would cancel the plans altogether claiming she no longer had time at all. I tried not to let it get to me. When this happened, I tried to suggest another day or that she comes along to meet my boyfriend, but she was not having it.
This is continuing for a year or two and while this is happening, she is starting to express many dark thoughts to us. For example, if I would be busy one Saturday she responds with how meaningless her life is. Which in turn makes us of course engage and ask her what she means by this. And so on. Until it reached the stage when she openly stated that she sees no reason for living. So this send myself and T. into a blur of panic and worry, I contact E.’s siblings to make sure someone knows of this as well and we as her friends tries to encourage her to meet us to hang out – to talk – to eat; anything really. We just tried to the best of our abilities make her see that we are there for her even though she clearly feels neglected.
And mostly, we tried to get her to seek help, someone to talk to. Get treated if needed. it is not common to have such intense feelings of ending your life – so much that you are openly saying it; but whenever we tried to confront her about this, which we have done two or three times as a group. The problem is when confronted E. lashes out, has called us bad friends, that she cannot trust us, that we are bringing her down and that all things we say or do are negative. Her anger is by a long way directed at me. I tried not to let her ‘attacks’ get to me but to focus on her and just let her know that if she needs us for anything, we are here. Keep in mind that we have done these types of intervention twice as a group, I have done one or two myself, just telling her that I love her and care and that I can see that she is hurting. However, it always results in anger from her part.
And as I was getting more serious with my boyfriend she was getting more hostile towards him – keep in mind she is still not interested in hanging out with him so she can get to know him. Fine, I never mentioned it or held it against her. But when she openly states that she hates him, she dislikes him, that it would not matter who it was she would hate him anyways. And I – without any anger or blame – confronted her about this and tried to get to the root of the problem. Which is her feeling abandoned and neglected. And I tried to make it clear that I sometimes will be busy – that’s life and so is she, but that does not make anyone less important, we have different people for different roles in our lives and that does not make her any less important to me.
Anyways, so this is going on. This is in broad strokes as I cannot write down all the details of what has been said and done, but in essential she is in a lot of anger and hurt and she is projecting all those feeling onto me. And all this attacks from her has led me to talk to her less and less, because while I still care for her I found myself unable to cope from the stress and hurt so I stopped making much effort to hang out with her (and she made zero towards me) So as I’ve gotten engaged and plan to be married. In less than a year and during this time, while I have shown her nothing but kindness and never said any harsh words towards E., she has said a lot to me. And while I hold no blame or anger I could not even entertain the thought of having her as my bridesmaid as much has been said, especially towards my fiancé, and never once apologized (oh yeah wait once, followed by the news that she’s met someone. Then I happened to find out that he was cheating on her – told her and she blamed me for sabotaging her relationship.).
So I made my future SIL bridesmaid along with two other of my close friends. I tried to arrange to meet E. so I could break the news of this and at the same time make sure to explain that I really want her to be in my very small bachelorette “party” (it is seriously the bridesmaid themselves plus E. plus T.) and she said nothing really when I told her this but a couple of days later, I tried to invite her to my birthday dinner in a weeks time and told E. that I was inviting T. as well along with my other friends. And her immediate response was not ‘yes’ or ‘no’ but instead she questioned why I was inviting T. Because T. is her friend and NOT mine and that I should keep the hell alone from T. Along with the demand that I not invite T. otherwise she would not be showing up and that I “had made my choice”.
I do not even know what I am looking for telling you all this. All I feel is a lot of hurt and this has caused me a lot of anxiety and stress. Most of all because I really could not imagine that I would lose her as a friend. Especially not like this. Maybe I want to know if I am in the wrong, should I do more… less? I just do not know what I should do anymore, I feel like I am on the verge of breaking as it is and nothing I can do is right for anyone.