Long post: Friendship/bridesmaid hurt and anger.

posted 4 weeks ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
812 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

You have done all you can. It isn’t your job to fix her, or help someone who doesn’t want help. At this point it is time to stop letting her dictate what you do and make you feel bad in a time where you should be so excited for your wedding. Drop the rope. YOu can always pick it back up in the future if she figures herself out. But for now just drop the rope, don’t include her just let her be. She is responsible for her own happiness not you. 

Post # 3
Member
812 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

OH and next time you talk to her I would go with something like. You don’t own T or me. I am sorry that you are having a hard time but i am going to be doing what is best for me and that includes invitng T to whatever I would like to. Your behavior and negativity towards me and your hate towards my fiance is not ok and won’t be tollerated any longer. I think it is best if you don’t attend events I am hosting until you can get your emotions under control. Let me know when you are ready to be a supportive friend again. 

Post # 4
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2019 - USA

nagatzuna : Bee this is so hard and I’m sorry this is causing so much stress. But self-preservation is important and you definitely don’t need to deal with any hostility from people who are in your wedding. You should not involve people who cannot be happy for you, even if you love them. I think it was probably a good decision to distance yourself from her if she is going to continue having this attitude. As hard as it may be, you should realize that those who cannot get over petty things probably do not really have your back as much as you would think. That is not the kind of behavior you see from someone who really loves you. 

Post # 6
Member
1357 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

nagatzuna :  Wait wait wait, what happened after she expressed suicidal thoughts? You all urged her to get help, she refused, and that was it? How long ago was that? Is she still suicidal?

It sounds like E is deeply troubled and her psychological problems are affecting every aspect of her life, including her friendship with you. If you still care to help her, tell her you love her too much to continue watching her hurt herself (by not getting help, speaking to a psychiatrist or a psychologist) and make that a condition of your continued contact. 

When people are in a really bad state mentally, it’s not always helpful to just say you’ll be there for them. That’s like watching a drowning person drown and calling out, “oh let me know if you want this rescue float, I’m happy to throw it in whenever you say so…” only the person can’t answer because her lungs are full of water. So you may have to actually take action without prompting. Look into options for psychiatrists for her, see if it’s financially viable, set up an appointment, show up to drive her to the appointment. If she still refuses, there’s really nothing more you can do to help aside from removing yourself from her life to stop enabling her.

However it sounds like you might have reached your limit with her and are no longer interested in trying to help? That’s fine and totally reasonable for you to set boundaries with someone who hurts you/is rude to your partner. Aside from trying to get her mental help, the other option is simply a slow fade. Don’t chase her to attend your bachelorette, maybe don’t initiate contact any more at all.

Post # 7
Member
4330 posts
Honey bee

I’m questioning why wasn’t 911 called? Someone who’s toying with the idea of suicide is very ill and needs to be under a dr’s care.

Post # 8
Member
87 posts
Worker bee

Hi bee, 

Your friendship is very toxic. You have tried time and time again to help your friendship and include her and… nothing. You have done the right thing, and she clearly feeds off of the attention she gets from you. You can be friends with whoever you want… Regardless of how you met them. She is very hurtful towards you and just doesnt care. It honestly looks like she wants to almost own you and seclude you from everyone else in your life that loves you. If it were me, I would let her know that I am taking myself out of that toxic friendship because of the way she treats you. Dont respond to any of her responses, she is feeding off upsetting you. She needs help. 

Post # 10
Member
595 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2005

nagatzuna :  Im gonna throw something out there that might be off the wall. Is it possible E. had feelings for you? It would explain her extreme hate/dislike for your Fiance. Perhaps she realized after you and she were going your separate ways a little more that she had more than friendship feelings for you.

Its possible that even if she presented as hetero her feelings might have changed to less than hetero. 

 

Post # 11
Member
3874 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

It sounds like you’ve been a great friend. Stayed calm when many would have lost their cool (e.g. the unwarranted comments about your fiance). At this point she is in a dark place and is determined to take you down with her rather than trying to climb out. If a drowning person is pulling you down you have to let go. There are people who can help her with the proper tools – i.e. doctors and psychs. She needs to contact them. You’ve tried to help her to do so and she won’t. There is NOTHING further you can do. Hard as it is to watch someone self destruct you can’t force them to do anything. Her behaviour sounds really narcissistic and manipulative – it looks like something beyond your garden-variety depression. You’re not equipped for this. I think you need to detatch for your own sake.  

Post # 12
Member
812 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

She is a family who are responsible for her care, not you. You contacted her sister who is close to her. This is beyond the point of you helping. I don’t even think it’s related. It sounds like on top of what she might be going through, she is letting jealousy cloud her judgement further. She might see her life as a mess and you getting married and is jealous of where your life is. But there isn’t an excuse for her cruel behavior towards you. No reason she needs to brag to you about how much she hates your fiancé. 

you need to step away from the friendship and go worry about your wedding. Trust me you will never get this time back, you won’t ever get your rehearsal dinner back or your wedding day back. Mine were forever tainted by a bridesmaid that was struggling with jealousy issues. I deeply wish I hadn’t included her when I saw the jealousy and bitterness in her before the wedding. I’m telling you that it isn’t worth trying to chase after your friend, and the risk that she would in anyway lash out at your wedding or engagement party or any other wedding event. You need to protect your wedding day even from her. 

Post # 15
Member
797 posts
Busy bee

nagatzuna :  

I also initially wondered whether your friend had romantic feelings for you – this happened to me many years ago when my best friend started behaving in a bizarre and jealous way towards me.

If this is not the case, my next interpretation would be that she is jealous of your happiness and relationship. On two fronts – first, that it is in stark contrast to the relationship happiness which she does not have, – and second, that it takes your time and attention away from her. People who are immature and insecure have a very hard time dealing with their friends finding happiness that they lack, and so this kind of thing is very common. 

There is nothing you can do about the way she feels – you cannot soothe her or make it better for her. She has to figure it out for herself and she alone can decide how she is going to move forward. In fact, and this is something a friend brought to my attention, going overboard trying to be patient and understanding and “over the top” caring can actually feel condescending to people like that. They feel badly about themselves and they know on some level that they are being brats, so being too understanding towards them can actually make them feel worse because they feel as if you are trying to be superior (not true, but this is how it seems to them). Don’t be tolerant and enabling if she is behaving badly – call her out, kindly but firmly. Don’t put up with bad behaviour just because she is unhappy.

As far as her suicide threats and her clear mental health issue, I’m sorry, but to me it seems like you are a bit too enmeshed with her. You are not the one to help her, that’s for a professional and her family to do. They will better know how to cope with her. Staging all these “interventions” and endlessly talking to her about it all just seems to me like directing too much unproductive attention towards these issues. The whole thing feels like a drama that keeps getting fueled and worked up; if it were me, I would stop directing so much energy towards it.

You may want to look at your own motivations for getting involved to this extent, because I don’t think that you are helping her. In my opinion, you need to tell her that you love her and wish her the best, and that you are happy to resume your friendship once she has got her life together and knows how to treat a friend, but that for now you need to take a step back. And then do that. Getting too involved is just enabling her and it’s setting up a very unhealthy and unequal dynamic in which she is the “fuck up” friend and you are the magnanimous one always wanting to rescue her. Sorry, but that’s just how it seems to me.

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors