Post # 1
I hate the total bridezilla term “kick someone out of the wedding,” but I have found myself in this situation… I am really at a loss about what to do here. Sorry in advance for the long post.
I have a bridesmaid who has been a friend of mine for 17 years. We live in different states and don’t talk frequently anymore, but I still consider her one of my closest friends, which is why I asked her to be a bridesmaid over one year ago. Fast forward 5 months later when we all decide on bridesmaid dresses (which she wasn’t present for, but that’s understandable because we are a state away from one another). I let everyone know what the deadline is (set by the bridal salon). The girls had 2 months to get their measurements to the salon so the dresses could be ordered at the same time. The deadline passes and I get a call from the salon saying she never submitted her info. One week after trying to get ahold of her to see what happened, she informed me she could not afford the dress on top of airfare to come out for the bridal shower/bachelorette weekend (all in the same weekend, staying at a friend’s house for both). My fiance and I talked it over and decided to rearrange our budget so we could cover 100% of her dress. So we ordered it for her so she could still be in the wedding.
4 months later the bachelorette/bridal shower weekend rolled around and she was a no show. She never responded to my other bridesmaid’s texts when they were planning the weekend. Again, I understand that travel is expensive, but we had paid for her dress because of the cost of this weekend, yet she still didn’t show or even bother to let me know she wouldn’t be there. A little hurtful, but I kept trying to put it out of my mind.
Now we are 1.5 months from the wedding and fiance and I are trying to figure out our seating chart. I texted her to see if she was bringing a date, since she was previously considering bringing her mom as her date (who is also invited to the wedding because we are close as well). She responded saying she is bringing her new boyfriend, but they won’t be coming to the rehearsal dinner because of work, so she would fly in on the wedding day instead. No apology. Just, “This is my plan, hope it’s okay.” Our rehearsal dinner is planned to be an intimate event (only wedding party, their dates, and our parents) where all the speeches will take place. Also, she has had the rehearsal dinner date and time for 6 months.
Is it crazy to tell her that if she can’t make it to the rehearsal she should come as a guest instead? Not in those exact words, but that concept. I know nothing besides the wedding is technically required of a bridesmaid, but to me it doesn’t even seem like she wants to be a part of the day at all. I have been engaged for close to 2 years and she has never checked in to see how things are. She doesn’t participate in the bridesmaid group text OR respond to personal texts from other bridesmaids. All of my other bridesmaids have been incredibly helpful and generous throughout the entire planning process… even just texting to check in and see how I am doing! I love my friend and have always envisioned her there on my wedding day, but it doesn’t feel like she has any real interest in helping me celebrate this huge step in my life.
Any advice? Thanks in advance 🙂
Post # 2
I understand her not being able to make certain events, even the rehearsal dinner as she’s traveling from out of state. Honestly I doubt the cost of the dress was equal to having to travel back and forth plus spending money on going out for the bachelorette party and anything else associated with travel, although it was nice of you to pay for the dress. But what I don’t like is her lack of communication, she “planned” on coming to the bachelorette/bridal shower weekend then no showed? Super rude.
I’d probably let her know that it’s best that she attend as a guest at this point, but you need to be prepared for her to get upset and for this friendship to possibly end. If that’s something you’re alright with, kick her out.
Post # 3
Save yourself and her any further headache and ask her to attend the wedding as a guest. It sucks because she should have done so a long time ago, but you have much better things to do than beg her to be a part of something she doesn’t value or prioritize. Also expect for your relationship to be damaged and/or ended.
I literally had the exact thing happen, my best friend growing up ghosted me up until my wedding. Promised to be there and never followed through. No showed to my shower, no card or congratulations. I originally agreed to be a bridesmaid in her December wedding, but backed out because of how crappy she has been to me (also for financial and time reasons). I have no relationship with her now.
Post # 4
prettyinpink14 : Is it crazy to tell her that if she can’t make it to the rehearsal she should come as a guest instead?
Her behavior has been abysmal but at this point, what difference would it make? You bought her dress. There are lots of people who can’t get time off to arrive in another state for dinner. Maybe it’s her date who can’t leave work early.
Most weddings can run smoothly without a rehearsal at all. One of the other BM’s can tell her when to walk, where to stand, and when to walk again.
Post # 5
I wouldn’t kick her out of your wedding just because she missed a shower/Bach and can’t make the rehearsal. I have a funny feeling that your wedding got a lot more expensive than she thought when she signed up to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man.
TBH when she told you she couldn’t afford the dress because she was paying for flights to your shower/Bach weekend you should have just purchased her dress and given her absolution from having to come to either event. Money is tight by the sounds of thing for her and her job security must be quite questionable if she can’t get time off to fly the in for the rehearsal. I’m sure most people would try and avoid the stress of hopping on a plane the day of to fly to a wedding. She obviously only has that choice.
I’m not absolving her of her lack of communication and not telling you she won’t be at your shower or about buying the dress by the deadline but finances are a tricky thing for a lot of people to talk about with others. I think she just likes to bury her head in the sand and she’s distanced herself and hasn’t checked in because she didn’t want to tell you her worry of not being able to afford your wedding and the minimum requirements to attend.
Do you really feel her actions are worthy of killing off a 17 year friendship by kicking her out of your wedding party?? Would it upset you not to have her in your life after the wedding? Has she ever really ever been a shitty friend to you before or is this new behaviour for her? I’d seriously consider this before nixing her.
TBH if this was so out my friends character I’d be ringing her up saying ‘are you OK?’ If I knew that my wedding was causing someone financial stress to attend I’d also be having a convo with them saying I love ya but I do not want you to get yourself buried financially just to attend my wedding. If you really feel attending in any way shape or form will be just to financially difficulty, its OK to back out and I understand. All I ever wanted was your well wishes and support…
Maybe approach it from the above angle if you genuinely care about your friend and actually worry about what’s going on with her and do care about your 17 years of good friendship. I don’t think you should throw the baby out with the bathwater here especially if she’s been an exemplary friend up until this point.
Post # 6
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
I wouldn’t, unless you want to end the friendship.
Post # 7
She has been very rude, so I can understand why you want her to step down. At the same time, that could be a potentially friendship ending move, so only do it if you are okay with that being a possible outcome.
Post # 8
I don’t think shes’s coming to the wedding. I think she’s been blowing you off and spending all her time with this new boyfriend. Ask her what her flight number is so you can look up the schedule and see if you can get her a ride. ASK HER FOR THE # !! I bet she won’t give you a number because she never bought a ticket.
Post # 9
I would go off, will I regret seeing her in my pictures forever? Or will I regret her not being in my pictures? I feel like that would tell me a lot.
FWIW: I know not having money is hard but the lack of communication is beyond rude!
Post # 10
Not once in this have I read, if you’ve spoken to her and found out what’s going on in her life. I think there’s something going on that she isn’t telling you about because she knows you’re focused on the wedding. Finances are definitely an issue for her and the situation is probably worse than she wants to admit. Cut her some slack and keep her in the wedding. When people live far away you don’t always know what’s going on in their lives so they can’t prioritise you and your wedding.
One of of my oldest friends is going to be a bridesmaid for me, she lives about 2 hours away and has 3 kids. Do I expect her to attend everything and do anything other than get a dress in the colour of my choosing which I’m paying for and be there on the day? No because she has her own life and priorities. I’m taking this approach with all my bridesmaids. I’m not expecting a single one to drop anything and attend everything with me, we all have our own lives and things going on and I just think as brides we should be a little less focussed on ourselves and prove to our closest friends that we still care about their lives and priorities too.
Post # 11
I’m waiting for the responses saying that her one job is to show up on the day 😂 that’s usually what bees say to brides when they complain about lack of bridesmaid interest or support 😁
Post # 12
I hope we don’t get that here! No matter what OP should do in this situation, I don’t understand that argument at all. I think it is the responsibility of all friends to love and support each other. Not just show up for one day.
Post # 13
I agree with the PP that you haven’t really been a great friend in this, either. Maybe she really is hard up for money and the lack of communication is embarassment on her part that she can’t afford to be there with you. It was very generous of you to pay for her dress, but an out of town bachelorette/shower is a very expensive. There is no way I would kick someone out of my wedding because they had to work during the rehersal. Is your rehersal the night before the wedding? Or is it a day or two before? There have been a lot of Thursday rehersals for Satuday weddings lately, and as a bridesmaid it is a pain to make the rehersal and still go to work, etc. the next day. There is no way I would go to a Thursday rehersal if I had to travel, I just don’t have the vacation time as I just started a new job. Even if it was a Friday rehersal a state away I would take a flight after I got off work for the same reason. I have my vacation planned out already and I don’t have a lot of extra days to take off for a wedding I’m in.
I say cut this girl some slack, give her a call and tell her you are sorry for getting swept up in the wedding stuff but you just want to talk and see what is going on. Then go from there. You have to remember that while your wedding is the most important event in your life right now, it’s not the same for others.
Post # 14
No, don’t kick her out. Do you really want to throw away a 17 year friendship over this stuff?
She’s clearly having financial issues and she’s not comfortable talking about it. Maybe she’s coming the day of the wedding because she can’t take time off of work. Maybe she just can’t afford another night’s hotel.
Yes, she should be more forthcoming with you but maybe it’s hard for her to discuss whatever is going on.
Regarding her not responding to the bridesmaid group text, it is what it is. Not everyone cares that much about someone else’s wedding. It doesn’t mean they don’t care about you, it just means they don’t care that much about flowers or dress colors or showers. It’s okay.
Cut her some slack. She’s one of your closest friends.
Post # 15
She is spending hundreds of dollars to travel in for your wedding – I think you can cut her some slack on missing the Rehearsal Dinner.
I understand that it hurts that she doesnt seem more interested in your wedding. Have you been interested in her life? It doesnt sound like you knew she had a new boyfriend until you asked a wedding question. Sometimes I think brides get so wrapped in the wedding that they forget that these people are supposed to be their friends, not just bridesmaids.
That said, if you ask her to attend as a guest I would doubt she would even come, and it would likely be friendship ending. Me personally, I would work on repairing the friendship outside of anything wedding related.