LONG POST: Should I kick my bridesmaid out of the wedding?

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
38 posts
Newbee

I understand her not being able to make certain events, even the rehearsal dinner as she’s traveling from out of state. Honestly I doubt the cost of the dress was equal to having to travel back and forth plus spending money on going out for the bachelorette party and anything else associated with travel, although it was nice of you to pay for the dress. But what I don’t like is her lack of communication, she “planned” on coming to the bachelorette/bridal shower weekend then no showed? Super rude. 

I’d probably let her know that it’s best that she attend as a guest at this point, but you need to be prepared for her to get upset and for this friendship to possibly end. If that’s something you’re alright with, kick her out. 

Post # 3
Member
1504 posts
Bumble bee

Save yourself and her any further headache and ask her to attend the wedding as a guest. It sucks because she should have done so a long time ago, but you have much better things to do than beg her to be a part of something she doesn’t value or prioritize. Also expect for your relationship to be damaged and/or ended.

I literally had the exact thing happen, my best friend growing up ghosted me up until my wedding. Promised to be there and never followed through. No showed to my shower, no card or congratulations. I originally agreed to be a bridesmaid in her December wedding, but backed out because of how crappy she has been to me (also for financial and time reasons). I have no relationship with her now.

Post # 4
Member
47450 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
prettyinpink14 :  Is it crazy to tell her that if she can’t make it to the rehearsal she should come as a guest instead?

Her behavior has been abysmal but at this point, what difference would it make? You bought her dress. There are lots of people who can’t get time off to arrive in another state for dinner. Maybe it’s her date who can’t leave work early.

Most weddings can run smoothly without a rehearsal at all. One of the other BM’s can tell her when to walk, where to stand, and when to walk again.

Post # 5
Member
4790 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
prettyinpink14 :  I wouldn’t kick her out of your wedding just because she missed a shower/Bach and can’t make the rehearsal. I have a funny feeling that your wedding got a lot more expensive than she thought when she signed up to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man.

TBH when she told you she couldn’t afford the dress because she was paying for flights to your shower/Bach weekend you should have just purchased her dress and given her absolution from having to come to either event. Money is tight by the sounds of thing for her and her job security must be quite questionable if she can’t get time off to fly the in for the rehearsal. I’m sure most people would try and avoid the stress of hopping on a plane the day of to fly to a wedding.  She obviously only has that choice.

I’m not absolving her of her lack of communication and not telling you she won’t be at your shower or about buying the dress by the deadline but finances are a tricky thing for a lot of people to talk about with others. I think she just likes to bury her head in the sand and she’s distanced herself and hasn’t checked in because she didn’t want to tell you her worry of not being able to afford your wedding and the minimum requirements to attend.

Do you really feel her actions are worthy of killing off a 17 year friendship by kicking her out of your wedding party?? Would it upset you not to have her in your life after the wedding? Has she ever really ever been a shitty friend to you before or is this new behaviour for her? I’d seriously consider this before nixing her.

TBH if this was so out my friends character I’d be ringing her up saying ‘are you OK?’ If I knew that my wedding was causing someone financial stress to attend I’d also be having a convo with them saying I love ya but I do not want you to get yourself buried financially just to attend my wedding. If you really feel attending in any way shape or form will be just to financially difficulty, its OK to back out and I understand. All I ever wanted was your well wishes and support…

Maybe approach it from the above angle if you genuinely care about your friend and actually worry about what’s going on with her and do care about your 17 years of good friendship. I don’t think you should throw the baby out with the bathwater here especially if she’s been an exemplary friend up until this point.

 

Post # 6
Member
2794 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

I wouldn’t, unless you want to end the friendship.

Post # 7
Member
559 posts
Busy bee

She has been very rude, so I can understand why you want her to step down. At the same time, that could be a potentially friendship ending move, so only do it if you are okay with that being a possible outcome.

Post # 8
Member
1759 posts
Buzzing bee

I don’t think shes’s coming to the wedding. I think she’s been blowing you off and spending all her time with this new boyfriend. Ask her what her flight number is so you can look up the schedule and see if you can get her a ride. ASK HER FOR THE # !! I bet she won’t give you a number because she never bought a ticket.

Post # 9
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee

I would go off, will I regret seeing her in my pictures forever? Or will I regret her not being in my pictures? I feel like that would tell me a lot. 

 

FWIW: I know not having money is hard but the lack of communication is beyond rude!

Post # 10
Member
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Not once in this have I read, if you’ve spoken to her and found out what’s going on in her life. I think there’s something going on that she isn’t telling you about because she knows you’re focused on the wedding. Finances are definitely an issue for her and the situation is probably worse than she wants to admit. Cut her some slack and keep her in the wedding. When people live far away you don’t always know what’s going on in their lives so they can’t prioritise you and your wedding. 

 

One of of my oldest friends is going to be a bridesmaid for me, she lives about 2 hours away and has 3 kids. Do I expect her to attend everything and do anything other than get a dress in the colour of my choosing which I’m paying for and be there on the day? No because she has her own life and priorities.  I’m taking this approach with all my bridesmaids. I’m not expecting a single one to drop anything and attend everything with me, we all have our own lives and things going on and I just think as brides we should be a little less focussed on ourselves and prove to our closest friends that we still care about their lives and priorities too.

Post # 11
Member
2327 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I’m waiting for the responses saying  that her one job is to show up on the day 😂 that’s usually what bees say to brides when they complain about lack of bridesmaid interest or support 😁

Post # 12
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee

View original reply
missviolet92 :  I hope we don’t get that here! No matter what OP should do in this situation, I don’t understand that argument at all. I think it is the responsibility of all friends to love and support each other. Not just show up for one day.

Post # 13
Member
2231 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

I agree with the PP that you haven’t really been a great friend in this, either. Maybe she really is hard up for money and the lack of communication is embarassment on her part that she can’t afford to be there with you. It was very generous of you to pay for her dress, but an out of town bachelorette/shower is a very expensive. There is no way I would kick someone out of my wedding because they had to work during the rehersal. Is your rehersal the night before the wedding? Or is it a day or two before? There have been a lot of Thursday rehersals for Satuday weddings lately, and as a bridesmaid it is a pain to make the rehersal and still go to work, etc. the next day. There is no way I would go to a Thursday rehersal if I had to travel, I just don’t have the vacation time as I just started a  new job. Even if it was a Friday rehersal a state away I would take a flight after I got off work for the same reason. I have my vacation planned out already and I don’t have a lot of extra days to take off for a wedding I’m in. 

I say cut this girl some slack, give her a call and tell her you are sorry for getting swept up in the wedding stuff but you just want to talk and see what is going on. Then go from there. You have to remember that while your wedding is the most important event in your life right now, it’s not the same for others. 

Post # 14
Member
601 posts
Busy bee

No, don’t kick her out. Do you really want to throw away a 17 year friendship over this stuff? 

She’s clearly having financial issues and she’s not comfortable talking about it. Maybe she’s coming the day of the wedding because she can’t take time off of work. Maybe she just can’t afford another night’s hotel. 

Yes, she should be more forthcoming with you but maybe it’s hard for her to discuss whatever is going on. 

Regarding her not responding to the bridesmaid group text, it is what it is. Not everyone cares that much about someone else’s wedding. It doesn’t mean they don’t care about you, it just means they don’t care that much about flowers or dress colors or showers. It’s okay.

Cut her some slack. She’s one of your closest friends.

Post # 15
Member
8262 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

She is spending hundreds of dollars to travel in for your wedding – I think you can cut her some slack on missing the Rehearsal Dinner. 

I understand that it hurts that she doesnt seem more interested in your wedding. Have you been interested in her life? It doesnt sound like you knew she had a new boyfriend until you asked a wedding question. Sometimes I think brides get so wrapped in the wedding that they forget that these people are supposed to be their friends, not just bridesmaids. 

That said, if you ask her to attend as a guest I would doubt she would even come, and it would likely be friendship ending. Me personally, I would work on repairing the friendship outside of anything wedding related.

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