- 3 years ago
No. That’s petty.
No. That’s petty.
I agree with pp that she has handled all of this really badly. I’d be hurt too. This girl is one of your closest friends; it is not bridezilla-ish to expect that she would show more of an interest in the biggest day of your life. Wouldn’t you show more of an interest if it was her wedding?
But I wouldn’t cut her out of the wedding. What I’d do is call her on the phone and have an actual conversation. I’d just call her up and ask her how she’s doing, what’s new in her life, and give her a chance to open up to you about…whatever. I wouldn’t even mention the rehearsal dinner. If during this convo you get really bad vibes from her or she hints that she doesn’t want to be a bridesmaid anymore for whatever reason, then absolutely give her an out, but I wouldn’t open with that.
I cannot believe you did not give her a pass for your pretty pretty princess weekend immediately when she indicated it was a financial burden. Of course, her hiding her head in the sand is not acceptable either, but she is probably embarrassed.
If you want to salvage this friendship, I would start by reaching out to her with kindness and maybe even an apology.
ETA: one other consideration is that maybe she suffers from anxiety. Her ghosting may just be her anxiety spiraling into paralysis re: contacting you.
The lack of communication sucks but personally, I’d probably still include her in the beginning. It doesn’t seem like she is being outright rude or distructive, just low communication and involvement. Have you reached out to her at all outside of wedding planning stuff? If you don’t communicate that frequently it does seem likely that there are things going on in her life that you may not know about that make your wedding less of a priority. It woud have been much better if she could have communicated some of these thigns upfront as a bridesmaid, but having been a bridesmaid I know first hand it is hard.
This sounds to me like a situation where open communcation did not occur when and where it should have.
When she told you she couldn’t afford the dress and bach weekend, it was nice of you to pay for the dress but you should have told her it was ok for her not to make it to the bach weekend. Not everyone has $300-500 to toss around and she was probably very embarassed to tell you that. She should have been honest about it and she certainly shouldn’t have no-showed on you, but I also think it was asking too much for you to expect her to come to something like that when money is tight.
With regard to not participating in group chats – because she isn’t nearby like everyone else, she probably feels less involved and doesn’t see the need to take part. Especially if she isn’t the type to get super excited about things like flowers and centrepieces. There is nothing wrong with that. If you specifically ask her opinion on something it is rude to ignore you, but when you’ve got an active group of other bridesmaids participating it probably feels totally unnecessary for her to insert herself into the convo.
I think your friend has done a poor job of communicating with you, but I also think that you haven’t done a very good job of trying to see this entire series of events from her perspective. I’d call her up and have an honest, open and respectful heart to heart. Tell her you are sorry if you’ve unintentionally strained her financially or made her feel steamrolled with your expectations, but that you need a straight answer from her about her desire to be in the wedding and her abiilty to be there. Let her know that you would really prefer it if she is able to make the rehearsal dinner, but that you understand if finances don’t allow for it. Perhaps you could offer to let her stay at your or your parents place that night or in your hotel room or with another bridesmaid or something if paying for an extra hotel night is the problem?
I wouldn’t throw away 17 years of friendship over this. It doesn’t sound like anyone has been intentionally hurtful here. It just sounds like a lack of communication.
Your friend sucks and communication but I wouldn’t kick her out. Just don’t expect her to show up. If she no shows that’s friendship ending on her part..
I agree it’s annoying and she should have just said she couldnt make it the weekend trip. I’ll never understand why people say they’ll go to something and then no show.
I can absolutely understand the bridesmaid’s side on all of this. The Bach party and shower? It’s expensive to fly/travel between states. I wouldn’t do it for a party that I had to shell out even more money for. As far as the dress; they’re stupidly expensive for a one-time wear. I’ll be having to save/budget to pay for my bestie’s wedding’s bridesmaid dress and I’ll be embarrassed trying on different dresses with her bridesmaids because I’m a fat girl and I know how limited the store’s plus size options are. It sucks and it’s embarrassing and telling your friend that you’re struggling financially is humiliating and difficult to talk about.
As for not participating in the group text? I mute literally every group chat I’m involved in because I don’t want my phone blowing up with messages from tittering girls I don’t know. A wedding is not that big a deal for anyone besides the couple. I wouldn’t want to be forced into communication with the rest of the brideslaves either.
The rehearsal anymore is a 5 minute run through and is more an excuse to the get the family and friends together for dinner. Your friend won’t miss much (aside from a minute amount of time with you; let’s be honest, you’ll likely hardly talk to her while she’s there because you’ll be busy with everyone else there).
Let her be in the wedding. Let her get up and support you like she’s done for all these years and maybe be more forgiving and understanding.
Thank you all so much for the advice, you’ve all given me a lot to think about. Okay so a few clarifications here on my part:
-I did tell her she was not obligated to come to the bachelorette/ bridal shower weekend. She was the one who said she was still planning on making it out. Again, it’s not that she wasn’t there. I understand how expensive travel can be. It’s the fact that she acted like she was going to be there then no showed.
-We actually have spoken about all of the stressful things going on in her life. She went through a bad breakup about a year ago, and another since then. This new boyfriend is very recent (3 months), and I’ve known about him the whole time. She just was unsure if she was going to bring him due to their new status.
-Even separate from the wedding, every conversation we have is about her. I know everything she is going through but she has never asked how I am doing, possibly because she wants to avoid wedding talk (which I understand). My parents just decided to announce their divorce 3 months before the wedding and I haven’t been able to tell her yet. Additionally, I live in a different state from everyone I know (friends, family, fiancé) which has taken a serious toll on my mental health. I know all of that outside stress is DEFINITELY bleeding into my feelings about this entire situation, which probably is making me a lot more emotional than I should be.
Based on everyone’s honest advice, I sat down and did some reflection on the situation. I agree that this is not worth throwing away a 17 year friendship over. The hardest thing is going to be to get off my high horse, let it go, and move on… and I’m not just saying to ignore the situation and harbor my feelings. I need to genuinely let it go so I am not feeling any resentment or anger towards her on the wedding day… that’s the last thing I want! Deep breaths and mindfulness for me… what really matters is that I am marrying my best friend and ending 3 years of long distance!
The day-of flight might be cheaper than the day-before flight. As others mentioned, she might not be able to take time off from work. I would call her and ask for some non-money related input that’s aligned to something she’s good at (“hey, I’m trying to decide between blue napkins or gold napkins–what do you think?”). Maybe that can help you better-judge her actual interest in being part of the wedding.
You know a lot of people here are preaching about how “the friendship might end” but honestly what friendship are we talking about? Has she done anything that a friend would do during this whole process? Judging by her actions I’d go out on a limb and say she doesn’t even consider you a friend anymore because of time/distance and views your big day as nothing but a burden that she must politely carry. (I swear I’ll never understand the practice of keeping completely useless, potentially toxic people in your life all in the name of some false friendship that, most of the time, is purely one-sided.)
Tell her that if she even plans to still attend the wedding at all, she should do so as a guest.
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