(Closed) Long rant about mom :(

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
55 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@Jayceedee:  It is so terrible that your mother treats you that way! You seem like a mature adult who has her head on straight! I think you know logically what to do (cut her off) but emotionally it is hard (because no matter what she is still your mom).  I can’t say that I can relate, but I definitely feel for you. Stay strong and try to limit her involvement. If you are concerned about her being on time to places, can you have someone else pick her up (a sister or aunt or someone) so that you don’t need to stress about it? Definitely focus your attention on the people who treat you right – Fiance and Future In-Laws…at the end of the day, your family does not have to be defined by biology. The people who want to be in your life will be!

Post # 19
Member
2959 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Unfortunately at her age, your Mom is unlikely to change, no matter how much you wish she would. I know because I am your Mothers age. It is also unfortunate that we can not pick our relatives, believe me I know. I have two sisters and two brothers who have not spoken to me since our Mom died in 1989 and I have no clue as to why. They didn’t even come to the memorial service for my daughter after she died and I know they knew about it as my ex-husband (my daughters father) told them about it.

I think avoiding her as much as possible may be your best strategy at this point. As for the rehearsal dinner – there are alternatives to a big fancy expensive dinner. First, only have the wedding party, parents and immediate family there. We are having our rehearsal at our favorite Chinese buffet (it is actually quite gorgeous) and they are reserving a room for us. They have HUGE selection of food and get this – $6.95 per person!

 

Post # 21
Member
14 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@Jayceedee:  Huge hugs your way! Without post-jacking, I have dealt with a similar “conditional-love” relationship with my father–though he’s nowhere near as dramatic as your mom (much the opposite).

I can’t imagine having no adult on YOUR side of the family to rely on.  I have a great mom who has been a constant support for me and I just can’t express how sorry I am that yours has chosen to act in the manner she has.  I know you’re marrying into a supportive family and you have great friends–but I imagine that doesn’t always ease the sting of being unable to count on your own mom. 

However, I do agree that it would be healthiest for you to seek counseling alone to come to grips with the fact that she’s not changing any time soon and that you don’t need HER validation to know you’re an amazing woman.  I spent a significant amount of time realizing that in my own experiences with my father. 

And kudos to you for sticking by and supporting your sister’s decision.  Any personal feelings aside, it was her decision to make and you’re an awesome sister for supporting her.  So additional hugs for that. 

Good luck and remember to take care of yourself <3

Post # 23
Member
604 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@Jayceedee:  It can be hard and make you feel guilty but you need to set boundaries with your mom.  She needs to be held accountable for her actions when she swears at you or hurts your feelings, especially since it sounds like she never apologizes.  I think the first step would be to talk to a counsellor.  They can help you learn to be assertive with your mom and help you to determine what constitutes a boundary violation for you.  Just because she is your mom doesn’t mean that she can do whatever she wants and be completely consequence free.  Good luck.

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