- 10 years ago
- Wedding: July 2011
A long rant and a plea for advice….
My 3 closest friends are going through major financially-draining life changes right now (loss of job, divorce, house, etc.). I know that being a bridesmaid can be expensive and I didn’t want to add any stress to these ladies lives so I really hesitated in having a bridal party at all. In order to make the situation a little easier, my mom volunteered to pay for any expenses that the girls would encounter with throwing a shower to make it easier for them to stand with me (she also offered to pay for their dresses, but they declined).
All 3 ladies were thrilled that I asked them to be a part of the wedding and also incredibly grateful for my mom’s generosity.
When I picked the bridal party, I also asked a fourth friend, K. K and I have become friends through the past 5 years mostly by situation – we’re both close with one of the other bridesmaids, my best friend from college. Three years ago, K shockingly asked me to be the goddaughter of her 2nd child. K and I really don’t have a lot in common and don’t talk other than when the 3 of us get together every other month or so. I wanted to leave it at 3 people but I felt obligated to ask K to be a bridesmaid and her daughter to be a flower girl.
Immediately after I told K that Fiance and I set a date for the wedding, she asked if she could help to plan my shower – that she needed a “project.” I didn’t think much of it and said yes. I assumed that all 4 bridesmaids + my mom would plan together.
… but that didn’t quite happen. K completely took over. I only know the details of what happened because my mom is so upset that she shared all this with me. In the beginning, K was bombarding me with e-mails with her ideas for the shower. This was disappointing to me because I love surprises and didn’t want to be involved. I expressed some of my concerns to her because her options seemed expensive and I didn’t want my mom spending that much (my mom is generous but not wealthy by any means).
All the other girls + my mom tried to express concerns, suggest alternatives, etc. K would hear none of it. When one of them told her that she knew I was concerned with her plan, she confronted me and said she had addressed all my concerns and it would be fine. K only asked my mom for her budget. K picked a restaurant for the shower and came back with a proposal — it was about 50% more than my mom said she had budgeted (and required a minimum # of people which was bigger than the guest list), my mom told her no way. In turn, K told my mom that she was being cheap and that when her own mother planned her shower many years ago, she paid 2x as much so my mom was getting a deal and basically insinuated that my mom was a fool for not agreeing to it. At this point, my mom again said no and K had a fit — she told my mom and the 3 other bridesmaids that she’s “done” and wanted nothing to do with my shower and my friend H could plan it. H is the one who was speaking up the loudest about concerns. The other 3 bridesmaids + my mom have come together to plan the shower – they’re thrilled about their plan and keeping it all a secret from me.
So my mom is hurt and insulted by K’s comments. I’m now furious with K for how she treated my mom. Through this, I’ve seen another side of K. I’m very close with my mom (she raised me on her own) and I feel that when you hurt your mom, you deeply hurt me.
In addition, K has not been supportive about wedding stuff – she was completely miserable about the bridesmaid dresses (I gave her 10 styles to chose from), cranky about the shoe color and hasn’t once asked me if I needed help with anything.
I don’t know how to handle it. I’m not supposed to know what happened with the shower planning but I also can’t even stand to be in the same room with K right now. I’m regretting asking her to be in my wedding.
Please help – how do I approach K?? I hate confrontation but I also feel that I can’t ignore it and let it pass….