Post # 1
Okay, so this might get kind of long I don’t intend for it to be but who knows where I will stop! lol
So, I was talking to my Future Mother-In-Law today because my Future Father-In-Law has been calling her (they are separated) asking her if she knows details about my wedding. she really doesn’t know much because I honestly don’t know much right now. He’s doing our pictures and paying for a women he knows to make our cake so he’s curious about stuff that I don’t have the answers for. I’m so thankful for his help, it’s really nice and kind of unexpected sense the first thing he said when he heard we were engaged was “is she pregnant?” lol! But as you know if you read a couple of my other posts, I am really stressed out about my planning so far, so I got aggravated when we started talking about it and I just let it all out on my Future Mother-In-Law. She is an amazing women, honestly I love her to pieces and we have no problems, it’s a great relationship between us, so when I started kind of yelling towards her (not at her!) she got a little upset. We talked it out and I told her how stressed I was and she talked me down, told me everything would be beautiful and that she would help me in any way she could after she got her credit cards paid off from christmas. i was just so overwhelmed by her kindness and her fondness for me that I almost started crying. she shouldn’t have to be the one helping us pay for this, but she is so willing. She told me when spring hit she would get down in the thick of it and plan until her head spun! lol It’s so nice to have her with me on this. She knows the story with my parents, their separation and my engagement came around the same time and it’s been difficult. They havent offered one small penny in my direction for this wedding and they joke about me having other rich parents somewhere! It kind of bothers me. I picked my dress out with my Future Mother-In-Law instead of my mom, when I picked out my venue, my Future Mother-In-Law was so responsive and giving me advice and my own mom didn’t seem to care. BUT this isn’t relevant to this post….What is relevant is this:
I AM BROKE! I have to pay $26 a person for my reception, which was a fantastic price for all inclusive venue IMO. But my Future Father-In-Law and my own mom keep telling me and my fiance that we HAVE to invite all these relatives and people we don’t talk to. I am looking for a small wedding, 70 people max, but if it didn’t go above 40 I’d be okay with it. But, after talking to my Future Mother-In-Law I found out my fiances dad added 4 more people he wanted us to invite, and my mom can’t go anywhere without my cousin (whom she is living with right now), so that’s two more people (him and his daughter) My guest list is at 55 people right now after those additions and that’s not including many of my fiances friends. I don’t want to take people I actually want there off the list because family members are insisting on me inviting people I’ve never even met. I want my fiances family there, it’s his wedding too…But he hasnt even spoken to these people in 11 years. He doesn’t even want them there. And I dont want some of my family there either. Literally I’m about to tell people if they want all these extra mouths at my wedding/reception, they need to fork over the cash. Is it wrong of me to not want to include people? I love my family and friends, I keep thinking of people i would add if I had enough money to feed 100+, but then I remember I want something small and intimate not only for money reasons but because that’s what my fiance and I discussed. I feel like people are taking over my wedding. And it’s frustrating me. I mean, I dont have a handle on things right now either, but everyone’s talking and telling people about it and then they want to come and…I just can’t do it. What should I do?!? :/ Am I being a bitch here? I just don’t know.
Post # 3
GAH! Sorry ladies, if you don’t want to read all of this just skip to the seoncd half lol!
Post # 4
This is what you do,
Assuming you are paying for all the heads at this point.
You keep # for you and your fiance for immediate family and friends.
You tell all parents that they get # number of people to invite that includes extended family and friends. Then they have to figure out how to make their list fit the number. If they want more than that they can pay the extra per head cost.
But do be aware that you will likely end up with people there you dont know because its a time for parents to be proud and “show off” their kids and they want to share it with people for their own reasons.
Post # 5
I don’t think you are, I wouldn’t have the money to pay for extra people over my budget. I think it’s fair if someone insists on inviting someone then it should be their responsibility to pay for them to be there.
Post # 6
Can you tell each of them “You can invite X amount of people? That is all we can afford. We would love having them there but it simply is not in the budget.” So if for example, you give each of them 15 people, including themselves they can work on “their” guests lists and they can figure out who makes the cut for their allotments. If you want you can add that they can have more than X amount of people if they give you the $26 for each person more than X by x date. Then the ball is in their court. Not yours.
Post # 7
I read the whole thing, dontcha worry! My advice:
-awesome that your Future Mother-In-Law is so supportive. Lean on her to give you advice about how to talk to Future Father-In-Law. She will know him well (even though they are seperated) and will know how to approach him
-you SHOULD NOT and DO NOT HAVE TO invite people you don’t want to your wedding. I think it is completely reasonable to say “______, unfortunately we have a very limited budget for this wedding. I can afford for you to invite (##) guests to our wedding, but we cannot afford anything above and beyond that.” This gives them the opportunity to offer to pay towards more guests coming
-I am also having a small wedding and the bees were great at telling me to talk to my mom about her slowly growing guest list (I wanted 40 people and she wanted to invite 20!). We ended up compromising so that she was able to invite 10% (since my parents are paying). We agreed to 60 people, tops, so she is allowed 6 guests. My mom wasn’t thrilled, but I also agreed to stay out of who she wanted to invite (and a woman I DESPISE is coming) and we were all honkey dorey.
-also… you said it is only $26pp, but don’t forget the extra costs with invites, paper products, favours, extra tables (and possibly extra rental items), centrepieces (if you need to make a new table), and a larger cake. I think you should realistically be asking for at least $50 per person above that limit to cover the most basic costs.
Post # 8
Thank you ladies. I am so glad I got these responses. I didn’t think I was being unreasonable, but my mom seemed to think I was. She has no say though, because she is not paying. I am trying to avoid saying that to her though out of respect because she is my mother. I told her she could tell me people she wanted invited but in the end it was up to me to decide who was coming. I don’t want to make anyone mad or leave anyone out, but this is mine and my fiances day. *sigh* sometimes I think eloping would be an awesome idea! lol
@takemyhand: thanks for reading the whole thing lol! And I think you are right by saying $50, because it would definitely add a whole new table, a whole extra set of decorations, food, invitations, all of which would come from my pocket if they wouldn’t pay. I feel as if asking them for money would make some of them really mad. They’re already upset I’m not having a bridal party and I’m not inviting kids.
Post # 9
@RAWR.its.BREN: I say that in the end, most of it won’t matter (and I am probably the most laid back bride on most things). If you don’t want a bridal party– don’t do it. If you don’t care enough to fight, it likely won’t matter in the end.
They might be upset now, but in the end it will all work out!
Post # 10
Thanks I hope so! I don’t want drama on my big day. i always thought I was really laid back, but my mom instantly told me I was being a bridezilla. I certainly don’t think I am being one, but who knows lol. i want this to be really relaxed, really laid back, and people are trying to make me go crazy I swear!!! lol
Post # 11
Girl, I totally understand. Darling Husband and I were absolutely set on a small wedding (we invited 80, 65 came). It was one of my few non-negotiable issues. My mother and I had a couple rousing fights on the issue (she told me 120 was more realistic) but I eventually won. My parents DID pay for my wedding, but in the end my mom realized that this was important to me and she backed down.
Your families will understand, but you have to be firm about it. No matter who is paying, it is your wedding and you do have the final say. Break down the allotment of who can invite how many people and tell each side that they have that many number of invitations, period.
Post # 12
@RAWR.its.BREN: Mom’s are crazy. My mom told me I was bridezilla for the following reasons:
-I REFUSED to even consider having more than 60 people (and originally wanted 40)
-I don’t want a recieving line
-I am considering a sweetheart or family table rather than a head table
-My Fiance and I decided our speach will be “Thank you for coming. I hope you enjoy celebrating our special day with us”. and THAT’S IT. We hate public speaking
-I am only letting her invite 6 of her closest friends (not including 5 that I agreed are also sorta close with me growing up)
-I don’t want a slideshow at our wedding. At all. Ever. I even used the “t” word to show my extreme displeasure.
-I felt it was standard that our photographer would want a meal and didn’t wnat to negotiate to NOT feed her for 8 hrs.
Mom’s be crazy! Everytime I tell her one of these things, she calls me Bridezilla. Then she argues as to why we should have it, mostly because of tradition or “that’s they way it’s done at weddings”. Funniest arguement? She thinks I should have a cupcake cake! *gah* *gives up*
It is their job to make you second guess yourself while pulling your hair out. Don’t let them get you down!
Post # 13
Stand your ground. This day is not about them. We told our parents they were allowed 5 people each…not couples, not families, but people. Luckily only Future Mother-In-Law wanted people.
Post # 14
@RAWR.its.BREN: I read the whole, lol. Sometimes its good to get some background before offering advice.
I read all the responses you had and I totally agree and what they are saying is fair to EVERYONE involved. You and Fiance get X amount of ppl, your parents can invite X and your FIs parents X amount. Anyone who mants more has to pay BEFORE the invites go out. I would say this because my mother said she would pay for a few ppl that she HAD to invite and its less then 3 weeks from my wedding and im yet to see a dime. If the extras your parents pay for dont come then they can get the money back. But at least that means that they really really want them to attend and arent just adding numbers for no good reason.
Stay strong, the best thing is your Fiance and you have each others back!
Post # 15
takemyhand: it’s crazy what moms will say! I am really non traditional in my planning. I am not religious, so I am finding that even nondenominational officiants have undertones in their ceremonies that I’m not found of. So I told my mom i wanted to write my own and that I didnt want a long introduction, didnt want any sand or candle ceremonies, nothing like that. Just my short words I write and our vows which we are writing. That was bridezilla. who knew?! lol
I suppose that my main problem is this; I have made out the guest list, I took into consideration people who would likely bring a plus one and that’s part of my total number of people. But, people who shouldn’t really need or want to bring a plus one are nagging about having to bring someone and not being able to come alone blah blah blah. I understand the need for a “date” but I’m not taking them into account. people that are married or with someone, they have a plus one beside their name. I think that’s generous of me to include their SO in my guest list anyways! I didn’t give anyone an option to invite people, I didn’t tell my mom you have X amount of people you can invite, I just invited who I thought was important to me and my fiance. I thought I was including enough people that my mom would be happy, but I guess not lol.
Post # 16
@RAWR.its.BREN: This seems very simple to me. The one paying is the one with control of the guest list. Period. End of story.