(Closed) Long rant with feelings that I don't even know how to describe…

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
461 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@wouldyoukindlyy: I wish I could help more, but sadly I just don’t really have that much advice. I have read, however, that around the 18-24 month mark is when the initial shine wears off of a relationship, and the bigger issues start coming out. Supposedly it’s really the make-it-or-break-it time (along with other times).

My SO and I are at the 18 month mark as well. Just a few months ago I was really going through the whole, “Can I really marry this man? Could I handle spending the rest of my life with him?!” I was nervous, but I told myself that I still loved him, he was still an amazing friend, and I couldn’t imagine being without him.

But if you really feel, deep down, you might be happier without him, then maybe you need to make that decision.

Post # 4
Member
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

If you are more sexually attracted to women, yet have not had sex with a woman, I think you owe it to yourself to explore this aspect of your sexuality further. Have you ever been in a relationship with a woman? Why do you say that you’re more emotionally attracted to men? 

Anyway, I can imagine how difficult this is, but as someone who married her college sweetheart because he was a “great guy” but ignored a lot of major problems (such as sexual incompatibility) in doing so, I can tell you that these problems do not go away. They get worse. You are extremely young. If you are having these doubts now, you really should follow your heart.

Post # 6
Member
1469 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@wouldyoukindlyy:  Disclaimers: I am 13 years older than you and straight, although I’ve had sexual experiences with women before, but hopefully you might find some of what I say helpful. 

I think you are too young to try and force a relationship that you have concerns like this with, particularly because you are sexually attracted to women and haven’t explored that yet. When I was 21, I was nowhere near a place where I was looking at my partners based on whether they were marriage material. I think you would feel a lot better if you just put the pressure off your current relationship, especially if you are so conflicted. You say you have a LDR ahead of you, but I urge you to think of it as an opportunity to be single again and just figure out what you want. Just because he’s a nice guy and loves you, does not mean you are obligated to stay with him and try to make it work out. Put thoughts of marriage and long term committment on the back burner. Does that sound appealing and freeing at all? You haven’t even finished school and begun your career yet.

So much change and time for self discovery (sorry to sound cheesy) is ahead of you. I’m 34 now. When I was your age I was in school, but also meeting lots of new people and having fun. I began a significant long-term relationship when I was 22. I moved to San Francisco a couple years later with him. 6.5 years later we had a painful breakup. Then I dated people, was single for awhile, travelled, got my heart broken and broke some hearts. 4 years ago I met my Darling Husband. At that same time I went back to grad school. 2 years ago I started a new career. We got married less than a year ago and are now having a baby. I learned SO much throughout all this time and I’m sure I have a lot more to learn ahead of me. 

I give my mini life story just so you could see how from where I sit, you have PLENTY of time to figure out what you want. And I’m sure it’s painful and confusing now, but I do hope you take the time for yourself to learn a bit more about yourself!

 

 

 

Post # 7
Member
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’d say, just breathe.  Worst case scenario, you and he keep trying for a little while longer, you still feel “out of it,” you break up.  You’ll both be super young, still.  You’ll both find someone else.  

Really.  I know it’s easy to put so much pressure on yourself and your relationship, but honestly that’s what it boils down to.  Don’t overthink it.  You do not owe him marriage just because you agreed to start dating him.

For what it’s worth, I have a very similar story to yours.  In my case, I kept dating the guy I wasn’t really crazy about for over 3 years, but I knew it wasn’t going to be “the one” even 6 months in…definitely by 18 months in.  I kept dating him out of guilt – he was a really nice guy! – and not wanting to make him feel like a rebound.  Sad to say, that’s what it was for me – I had been really burned by an ex, and he made me feel safe.  Not in love, but safe enough.  But I knew I wasn’t in love, so I started trying to find evidence that “love” itself was a myth or a moving target.  I made myself miserable for years trying to make myself love and commit to  this guy.  I finally had the guts to move out, then break up and move out of town.  Sadly, we’re no longer friends at all (haven’t heard from him in years) because there was too much resentment and sacrifice built up by the time one of us actually had the guts to end it.  

A year and a half later I met my Fiance.  I’m not exaggerating when I say my love for him grows every day.  We’ve gone through so much together including moves, job changes and family drama, and we get stronger and more supportive each time.  I think of the issues I had with my ex, all the drama over what was honestly nothing – and it’s clear we were taking out our lack-of-love on each other.  You’ll do what you need to.  Ending a relationship is not failure.  Lying to yourself is failure.  Trust your gut.

Post # 8
Member
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@lookingforadvice77:  +1

My general feeling is that if you’re having to work this hard to feel attracted to and enjoy sex with him after you’ve been together a while, it’s not right. It could be him; it could be men in general. He may be the greatest guy in the world, but that doesn’t make him the right guy for you.

Post # 9
Member
510 posts
Busy bee

I wish I had advice — but at 24, I’m feeling the exact same thing with my boyfriend. Who I live it. Hugs!!! It stinks. For a week it’ll be bliss and “How could I ever even look at anyone else?” then the next week is “I’m fooling myself. He isn’t my soulmate, I’m not head over heels for him. I’m just delating the inevitable.” Maybe it’s just a personality thing? I have anxiety and sometimes wonder if that plays into it…

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