Post # 1
This is my first time posting. I’ve been browsing the boards ever since I stumbled upon this sit while I was ‘waiting’. It was such a relief to read about others who had been with their boyfriends for several years and were still waiting on a proposal. We finally got enaged after almost five years this past summer, right before he left for graduate school. I was so excited to finally get engaged and the ring was absolutely beautiful! Then he went to graduate school and I had to learn to readjust to living by myself (we lived together for almost two years before he left for graduate school)! I had a terribly difficult time adjusting to being alone and the graduate program he is in is almost 1,000 miles from where I live. So far we’ve been able to see each other every two months or so (this is not our first time to live long distance, but first time quite like this). I decided to stay here when he left for school because it was and is so difficult to find a job in my field in the current economy. Even if I could find a job where he is, I would have to start all over in a new place only to pick up and move again when he is finished with graduate school (he is in a two year program and would need to go somewhere else to finish his studies). The original plan was for me to stay here until he finished his grad degree.
Now, my employer is facing financial difficulties and there is talk of pink slipping within the next couple of months. They have known this is coming for a while now, but they are being so slow to make their decisions. Having my fiance living states away and feeling so insecure in my job is slowly starting to drive me crazy.
In addition, my fiance is relying on student loans and aid to pay for his degree, so needless to say, planning a wedding right now is not going to happen. Part of me wants to wait until we have some money so that we can plan a nice wedding and involve friends and family and part of me is just tired of waiting, and waiting. Sometimes it is just a little daunting to realize just how far off our wedding, buying a house, starting a family still is…. grr.
So what do you think? What would you do? Would you elope, plan a small wedding, move where he is and take a crap job for a year? I stayed here because I really love where I live and work, but I’ve been so stressed and anxious the last few months, I’m not sure if it is worth staying here into next year.
I really hope this made sense! Thanks so much!!
Post # 3
I’d move where he is and take the crap job (and not elope). Crap jobs are temporary. They just pay the bills and rarely define who you are. You also may be surprised how temporary they are. Because you are moving locally, jobs in your field may be more likely to hire you instead of taking a chance on someone “maybe” moving to the area.
As for the elopment, it really depends on the couple. Where is your Fiance standing on this situation? Does he want to just be married or does he want to have a big wedding? Before you move, make sure you guys are on the same page.
Post # 4
I hate LDRs and wouldn’t be able to live apart. It’s torture! I know a lot of people think a little sacrifice is a good thing – but when it comes to living away from each other, I don’t think anyone should have to (if they can help it).
I would look for a job online, give my notice, move to be closer to the man I love. Jobs are temporary anyway, but being together now would help solidify you as a couple and will ensure that you both grow with each other and not apart.
Post # 5
@ohmybears48: He has said before if it was up to him, we would go to the Justice of the Peace. So, the wedding would be more or less for me. Part of me wants it, and part of me doesn’t want to wait another three years… I’ve talked to him about having a casual wedding to cut costs but I think he feels like he is cheating me out of the wedding I’d like to have.
Post # 6
@Vitsippa: Thank you so much for your comment! I’m leaning more and more toward that everday. One of the problems I’m running into is my family, who gives me a hard time everytime I talk about leaving my job and moving out there. They know I’ve worked really hard to find my job and that I do like living here. They think I’m a fool to leave it… but who knows, in a month or two I might not even have this job…
Post # 7
I would move to where he is for now. It’s not worth getting into a new job when you aren’t sure where you will be living after he graduates grad school. Some job is better than no job.
Post # 8
My advice is that you at least wait a couple months to be sure about this job that you already have and enjoy. Right now, the possibility of losing your job (this job you have worked for and enjoy) is a factor in your decision making. But quitting and moving is a big decision and so I would suggest that you wait to decide until the job factor is definitive. (the possibility of losing/keeping the job is settled)
On another note, I have been in a long-distance relationship for almost 4 years now (also because of schooling). We are both graduating this year and will finally be able to be a non-long-distance couple (“short distance”? I’ve been in a long-distance relationship for so long I don’t know what not being long distance is called! ha…)
In retrospect, I really do believe that we benefitted from the long-distance aspect of our relationship and were challenged to mature and grow as individuals and as a couple (in ways that nonLDRs are not neccessarily forced to). It was definitely hard at times, but honestly I believe it was a blessing in disguise. 🙂
Post # 9
Oh btw, congratulations on your engagement 🙂 I think it is nice that he proposed before you had to do the long-distance thing because it gives you some extra security on the relationship and gives you an excuse to spend time collecting wedding ideas (even though you don’t need to do concrete planning yet). I actually feel like the pre-serious weding planning is more fun than the serious wedding planning, so try to enjoy it 🙂
Congrats again! (I wish I had a ring on my finger to help me get through my LDR…ha…)
Post # 10
Fiance and I started dating just after I left for a 2 year MA program. He found a good job in our old town, but plans on moving when I move to my PhD program– we were different in that we didn’t want to live together before marriage, but it made much more financial sense for him to be back home. I’m taking out loans and working a little, but am pretty much sliding slowly into the negative. We really couldn’t afford both of us going into debt.
That said, we are 350 miles apart. One of us makes the drive every other weekend. Sometimes it gets lonely, but we’re as positive as possible about it and we’re getting married this summer.
If Fiance really hated his job, or didn’t have one at all, we might have considered the move? I doubt it, though, just because he has cheaper rent where we’re from and we still wouldn’t have lived together. But again we aren’t as far as you are so ours is a little more doable.
If you can live with him (and thus save on rent) and think you won’t have a job anyway, I’d move out there. It’s easier to find a job when you already have one.
Post # 11
I would do a crap job and get married in 3 years. My Fiance and I did distance for a year (700ish miles) and we saw eachother every month or two about 6 months into our relationship (prior to being engaged). It was doable but not enjoyable. We also did it this summer (I had an amazing internship 1500 miles away) for 3 months with no visits. We got engaged right before I left (literally the day before I felt like a total jerk making the drive out) which made it a little easier, but it was still no fun. Next year I’m taking a year off between undergrad and graduate school because he has a year left in law school and I would rather do the crap job for a year and be with him then be miserable at school (where I won’t kow anyone).
Post # 12
I would definetly move to where he is and take the crappy job. Im in a long distance relationship right, a really .. really long one, so if I had that oppurtunity, I know Id jump right at it. Long distance sucks!
Post # 13
We’re getting married this year (we think!) primarily for this reason. The distance isn’t the hugest deal – we’re about 900 miles apart (I think, it’s about 1400km) in two different countries. He’s in a PhD program for another 4 years, while I’ve got about another 2 years to go in my PhD. I won’t be quitting my job, per se, but I’ll be giving up some of the perks of being in the same city as my supervisor as well as losing teaching assistantships, etc. For us, it makes the most sense, as we have a small child and it’s more difficult for me to complete my studies alone with her than it is when I have my partner around.
In your situation, I don’t know. I think I’d stick it out until you find out about your job. If you lose your current job, I’d move (either getting married or not). If you keep your job, I’d think it over some more. I’m a big fan of lists so I’d make a serious pros and cons including everything – finances, personal happiness, employment prospects, etc.
Good luck! None of the decisions that come with this stuff are easy.
Post # 14
I think I would stick it out until the lay off. I was in a similar position and was anxious to quit, but a month later I was laid off (although I was rehired a month later). It worked out in my situation because I was able to spend a month with my bf in another country at the time, and was able to dictate when I was available to start again. I realize this situation is a little different from you but..
It seems like in your case money may be an issue? I wonder if receiving unemployment benefits is something you would rely on? If you quit, you may not be able to receive these benefits. Also, it seems your fiance isn’t in a position to be able to support the both of you, if you just up and move while looking for a job. I would want the option that allows me to save the most money while I can in the meantime before the inevitable. If you really can’t stand working there or the distance, I would at least set up a few “crappy job” interviews where he is or research the options available before moving. You have to think about your happiness as well, and you don’t want to resent your choices. Make sure you fully understand what you are up against if you choose to move because although you made the choice for love, it easy to feel resentment or depressed about your new situation without a plan and a back up solution. After all, his life will continue as normal, while you may feel yours has fallen apart. I am sure whatever choice you make will be the best for your situation. Wishing you the best of luck! 🙂
Post # 15
I know it’s been a long time since I wrote this post, but I wanted to thank everyone again for their ideas and I thought I would give an update. I was one of the lucky people and I was able to keep my job!! It will change a little bit next year as a result of things being shifted around but I actually think I will like it more than I already did. Fiance and I have talked about the wedding too and have decided that we will elope next year. I’m super excited! With everything that will be going on for us in the next few years it just seemed to make the most sense. In my head it seems a lot less stressful than planning a full out wedding. My family even gave me the go ahead so I am pumped! The next task will be to pick a destination!