(Closed) Long-Term Relationship Ups and Downs?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
84 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I think it’s difficult to work on things if you aren’t emotionally invested in the relationship anymore. Sometimes when you have fallen out of love it’s just too late. I would be interested to hear if others have fallen back in love. A friend of mine fell out of love with her Fiance had a break for 9 months then got back together, married and had a baby. I think she just got back with him because she wanted marriage and children though.

Post # 4
Member
619 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I know what you’re trying to say. I just celebrated 7 years with my Fiance last week, and while we’re not married, we’ve been engaged for 6 of those years.

Are you dealing with a lot of stress or pressure outside of your relationship which could be affecting how you feel? I ask because for awhile I felt exactly the way you describe – I didn’t want to LOOK at Fiance, let alone spend time with him. Things that I used to love about him were annoying me, and his bad habits had me on the brink of a murderous rage. A lot of it had to do with our situation – I lost my job in January and was unemployed for two months, I felt helpless and my savings were quickly running out, we had issues in our relationship he wasn’t willing to address, and the icing on the cake was when Fiance agreed to let my BIL move in with us for a few months (oh, that’s an entirely different story).

Last month I turned around and told Fiance I was unhappy and couldn’t keep living like this, and unless something drastic changed in our relationship, and soon, I was going to leave. He knew I was feeling the strain of being out of work, but he didn’t realise how bad things had gotten. It shook him up, big time.

Since then, we’ve been making more of an effort with our relationship, and I find that I’m feeling much more like myself (finally landing a job helped!) and my feelings for Fiance have not only returned, but they’ve grown. As I said to Fiance, at the end of the day, love is not enough. You have to wake up every day and make the decision to work together. He’s also taken steps to help set up our future which he’d refused to do for quite some time, and I acknowledged that I wasn’t the perfect partner either, so we’re meeting each other halfway.

Because of this, I guess I can say that yes, I fell back in love with my Fiance, and after a lot of soul searching (and I admit, crying) I realised that I was emotionally invested enough to want to salvage it. I very much doubt that I’ll regret it. It’s only been a few weeks, but there’s been enough of a turnaround that I have family and friends – who didn’t know the situation – say that I seem to be a lot happier, and Fiance seems to have grown as a person as well.

In your case, I think you do need to have some time out to yourself like I had, and figure out if you are invested enough. My suggestion would be to keep the lines of communication open… things won’t improve overnight, but if you give it a couple of months and see what happens, the answer should make itself apparent.

Feel free to drop me a PM if you want to know any more ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 7
Member
2095 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@lookingforadvice77:  Well, what do you want out of your marriage/relationship? Can you describe it? 

Post # 8
Member
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@lookingforadvice77:  I have been in 3 long term relationships and after the feelings died in the first 2, was never really able to rekindle them. I didn’t have a lot of help on the other side either. But although those relationships were very long term, I never felt the same way om the, as I do for my Fiance. I am not really a pragmaticist, I think you do need romantic feelings or else you are going to bevery susceptible to falling in love in the future with someone else.

Post # 9
Member
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I haven’t been in a relationship that long (yet…knocks on wood) but I wanted to suggest, have you ever read anything by John Gottman?  He’s got this entirely new approach to relationships and what makes them ultimately happy and successful, and you would be suprised how much of it is just compatability.  He gives great thoughtful exercises that allow you and your spouse to understand how to get along better in your particular marriage.  Might be worth a read – here’s my favorite of his books: http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797 – and if you can find a counselor to talk to, it might help a lot.  If you can find someone you’re comfortable with who will call you on it when you start circling, it can help with big scary issues like this.  Best of luck, I’m sure this is really hard ๐Ÿ™

Post # 13
Member
2095 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@lookingforadvice77:  You mention your parents were splitting & getting back together & that these feelings you have surface every few years. How old were you when your parents first split? Then how long before they got back together? Are either of those numbers the same as the number of years these feelings surface? Or how about the number of years or months they stayed together before they split again? 

 

I’m on my iPad which is hard to type. Let me move to my laptop & I’ll PM you. 

Post # 14
Member
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Have you tried couples counseling? I ask because the list of things you want but aren’t getting is a great starting point for it. A good counselor can definitely help you work on those areas.

They don’t call it the seven-year itch for no reason – it happens to a lot of people. It’s definitely possible to work through it in most cases,  but it is work, and both people have to do it together.

Post # 15
Member
6339 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2014

I’m 26, been with my OH for over 7 years, and we’re getting married in 17 months.

I could not be in a relationship with someone I did not love; for me, it is that simple. If I ever grew apart from my OH, or ‘fell out of love’ with him, I would end it; end of story.

I don’t believe that emotions folow committment; I believe commitment follows emotions. I would absolutely not have commited to my OH if I didn’t love him, and, more than that, if we weren’t compatible.

We have been together a long time, longer than any other couples our age that we know, longer than many people I see on forums like this. We have a fantastic relationship; we support each other, we love each other deeply, we get on brilliantly and enjoy spending time together, and we have a good sex life (would be better if not for medical issues on my part). I cannot imagine being with someone I didn’t love, and who I didn’t enjoy spending time with; the thought makes me feel very sad.

Life is too short IMPO to waste time staying in a relationship with someone you don’t love.

Post # 16
Member
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@lookingforadvice77:  That’s 2 failed relationships and the third time lucky. Thr first lasted for 9 years, starting from when I was a teenager.  I tried to talk to my boyfriend about it early on but he always spoke over me and acted like he knew everything about relationships and that everything would be great “if I just did what he said.”  I was never really happy after the second year and one day, I fell head over heels in love and left him. I had probably stayed with him for so many years because I simply didn’t know any better, I had probably never really been in love. The next one was great from the beginning but my boyfriend developed various neuroses and became attached to a cultish group. I tried to wait it out and hoped he would outgrow it (and that we would see how bizarre it was) but it got worse. One day he broke up with me because I didn’t support his ideas and I found I did not even care or miss him.

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