- 8 years ago
- Wedding: October 2011
today i’m 300 days away from my wedding day. it’s rather exciting, but i also have these horrible feelings about not wanting people to see me. i know this isn’t healthy, i just don’t know how to stop it. i think people will think i’m not pretty enough for Fiance, i’m afraid to see pictures of myself, i’m afraid i won’t be able to enjoy our day because i will be so uncomfortable with people looking at me.
Fiance & i met when he was my trainer at the gym. i was in great shape, thought i didn’t know it at the time. i thought i was obese, body dimorphic disorder (sp??). i would barely eat because i was afraid to gain weight, i didn’t know what clothes would fit my body (went into a store & insisted the sales woman bring me multiple skirts because the size was wrong on the tag. it wasn’t. i just couldn’t see myself in the mirror- i saw something else). i went to the DR- she sent me to a shrink- the shrink sent me to a nutritionist- the nutritionist said what i needed was psychological help. i had dropped down to a size 2- which for some ppl wouldn’t be very thin, but on my 5’6, with a solid frame, it was unhealthy. i was disappointed because i wasn’t a zero, i said i wanted to be a zero, it was nothing, it was the lowest, then i would have made it.
Fiance & i started dating, and i got a lot better. put on a little weight, but it was ok, he doesn’t like stick thin girls. then i got sick. i got swine flu, then i ended up with mono, which caused my liver to shut down for a while, my autoimmune system went haywire- it started attacking the wrong things & i just couldn’t get better. i started losing function on my right side. i wasn’t to go to the gym or lift anything over 20lbs. if i was too active i wouldn’t be able to walk or open my right eye, i even choked trying to swallow because the muscles would get so fatigued. needless to say, i had more on my mind than trying to maintain my weight. i told myself, as soon as i was better it would all just drop off.
well, now i’m pretty much fine. i have to go for vitamin injections each month (body still kills B12, which brings protein etc to muscles, so i do get fatigued more easily), but other than that i’m pretty much fine. i put on a TON of weight, like 40lbs. and i hate my body. i resent it- i don’t feel like it’s mine. i feel like it betrayed me. i guess i almost feel like i don’t want to take care of it because it was so awful to me. i don’t feel like i’m in control of it- i feel like IT controls me. i want to be healthy. (secretly, i want to be thin, really thin, but i know it’s not an option and that’s ok)
so where do i go from here? i’m afraid that if i try to lose some weight (like 30lbs, i’m ok keeping 10lbs of it), that my body will do something and wreck it. i’m afraid of trying & not being able to do it. i’m afraid that i might get too good at it again- that i will put the scale in the doorway to the kitchen, so to enter i have to weigh myself. i just want to be healthy & balanced- but i don’t think i can. i want to be in good shape so we can start a family once we’re married, i want to enjoy my wedding day without worrying what people are thinking & if they are disgusted by the sight of me, i just feel paralyzed. i know these are the things people aren’t supposed to say, i just need to get them out of my head. sorry this is so long!