Here were all of everyone’s very helpful comments:
Miss Incognito (message)
Man, I hope that none of my friends find this thread. I don’t think that they’re even aware of Weddingbee but that would suck if they came across this and thought that I was talking trash (I’m not, I’m just looking for advice).
Maybe I’ll ask them to delete this in a few hours.
1 hour ago
MissHelen (message) November 20, 2010 California
I dunno. Maybe it would be good if they did. I went through something similar, but not because of the whole situation itself, but because of the “you’ve been my friend for 10 years, why are you not giving me any credit” thing. It sounds to me like she may be having a hard time with you getting engaged. Or maybe this goes back to the first email and she was planning on penis pops and hot pink boas and feels like her plans were dashed. I don’t know. But meeting up with her and telling her that you’re getting this vibe that she hasn’t accepted your apology and is still upset and is there something else going on(?) could do the trick.
Is she the type of person to hold a grudge?
57 minutes ago Flag
MissAsB (message) June 6, 2009 Married in CO, Living in AL
Wow that’s a tough situation. I think it happens with a lot of people they don’t really understand how much work goes into planning a wedding. I would try to lay off the wedding talk with them until you know for sure about details that you need their help on. I don’t really understand why she reads your blog if she doesn’t want to hear about the wedding though!
56 minutes ago Flag
crissycakes (message) May 2010 Destination Wedding in OBX
I’m on your side. I think that if I sent that email to my friends, they would def. know it was a joke, before even getting to the p.s. However, I can see how they might get hurt if they are sensitive to certain topics, even if it was meant as a joke (the tanning and the weight)
To me, It sounds like a lot of the back and forth was over email? maybe? So I’d try to have a one-on-one hang out session with K for a chat and coffee or shopping, just so you can let her know how important she is to you and that you don’t want to drive her away from being able to have her included as a part of your wedding experience, and if it’s worth it to you maybe even offer her a shot at setting up her “rules” for when and how to bring up the wedding. At any rate, the whole discussion would probably go over better in a face to face conversation.
52 minutes ago Flag
Miss Incognito (message)
I agree with what you’re all saying, that I need to chill for now. The only thing is, I feel like I already have been totally chill for the past few months. I was WEDDINGWEDDINGWEDDING at first, but then I started my blog and found Weddingbee and that way, I don’t have to talk about it with everyone else.
I just don’t want to have to censor myself if there’s something wedding-related that I want to bring up. For example, I’m really proud of how my brooch bouquet is coming along, but I didn’t even tell them about it for fear that they’d think I’m obsessed. And I don’t want to have to bite my tongue about stuff like that.
48 minutes ago Edit
Arachna (message) nyc
I definitely don’t think you’re a bridezilla or obsessed. I do kind of see K’s point.
It’s one thing to take a while to make up your mind about dresses and throw out some ideas but if I recieved a detailed email giving me exact parameters and discussing all the little things (jewelry included) and later told that never mind it might all change I’d be pretty thrown and probably annoyed. I mean, frankly, if it’s not definite and I didn’t ask about what you’re thinking re bridesmaids dresses, I probably don’t want to know that much detail!
I’d also think that telling people what kind of parties you want is a little bit controlling – totally within the bounds of normallity and politeness and we all know some lovely controlling people. But I’d be like, er…these are our parties to throw, let us figure it out and take charge, we’ll be sure to ask for your input when we want it.
But I think mild annoyance is the most that is justified in response to your actions. So I wouldn’t worry too much, I think it will all blow over and everything will be fine.
I would not bring it up with K again, I would just not bring up weddings with her for a month or four.
With plenty of time before the wedding I don’t think it should be too much of an imposition to avoid wedding talk with K. I bet she will warm up with a little bit of time. She might well have stuff going on in her life right now that is making her stressed and more short tempered.
45 minutes ago Flag
Jizes318 (message) May 22, 2010 Fort Lauderdale, Florida
Wow i got through all of that! I totally hear you on feeling like you have to hold back and cant really express the way you want to about the wedding! I am in the same boat. To be honest I have gone as far as doing a lot of stuff myself because i feel like i am imposing by asking my Bridesmaid or Best Man for help. One imparticular I feel in emails takes things the wrong way and we will go a few days without talking. Its a tough situation and I wish I could help… Just wanted to let you know your not alone on these feelings.
43 minutes ago Flag
MightySapphire (message) July 4, 2009 Colorado Springs, Colorado
Maybe you could edit your post to disguise the names of your BMs better? I’d hate for everyone to give some great advice that would just get deleted later…this is honestly a problem I know a lot of brides have (being called bridezilla, BMs not being enthused about the wedding, etc). Hope you leave it up!
42 minutes ago Flag
Cinnamon Roll (message) June 26, 2011
I can see how the tone of the first email realy put a bad taste in their mouths about being a part of the wedding. i have a friend who I care for a lot, but he always sends out emails that essentially put the burden of planning on everyone else – like, “we could meet at this neighorhood at this time, or that neighborhood at that time, or does anyone know of a place with a patio? or we could go to the place with the patio first, then at some point move on to the second neighborhood” etc. etc By the end of reading those things, no one wants to even go out anymore. I think in your effort to be easy-going and flexible, it left them feeling unsupported and pressured to magically guess at what you really wanted (ie the perfect “effortlessly mismatched” bridesmaid dresses).I think the april fool’s email was just a bad decision. Your sister got the joke, but it sounds like it came at the worst possible time for your friends. I would try to make time to see them more often, to not talk about wedding stuff at all (you still have 12 months, so there’s not a whole lot that needs to happen bridesmaid-wise right now), and to go back to being the great friend I’m sure you used to be.
40 minutes ago Flag
MexiPieLove (message) August 7, 2010 Washington, DC
I know how you feel – I teetered on a similar situation with one of my best friends when I got engaged too (she was making a lot of digs about me being wedding crazy and then months later told me it was her way of coping with one of her best friends getting married). I think part of it is that people internalize what it means for THEM when you’re getting married. And part of it is that yes, people don’t realize how much work goes into planning a wedding, so when they read very detailed emails, they think we are crazy wheareas we see it as being diligent and helpful.
I agree with others’ suggestions – talk it out with your friend, apologize for the misunderstanding about the joke thing again, and try to figure out where her anger / uncomfortableness is coming from.
Also, I changed my mind a lot about bridesmaids stuff for the first few months. I tried to make a quick decision too early and ended up making several way different decisions. I would recommend letting them know what you’re thinking along the way vs. stating a fact that may not be a fact when you change your mind. That way they won’t think they’re being pulled in different directions. Also, pick YOUR dress first! I was trying to pick out their dresses and didn’t even know what mine would be!
Navigating the bride world is hard! Hopefully you and your friends will get over this hump.
40 minutes ago Flag
VirginiaMarie (message) August 21, 2010
I’m with Arachna. I think the original email you sent probably set the wrong tone. If I was a Bridesmaid or Best Man and recieved that email (and knew the wedding wasn’t for over a year), I would be like “ohhh crap, long year ahead of me”. But, by reading the rest of your post here, I know that wasn;t your intention at all! In future conversations with them, try to use positives rather than negatives. ie: “Lets look for simple dresses with some sort of small embellishment”. Rather than “Nothing too clubby, not modern, not slinky, no boobs hanging out, no sparkles, a light satin might work” Hear the difference?
40 minutes ago Flag
MrsSl82be (message) October 24, 2009 Pasadena, MD
I’m going to be completely honest here and say that I think K is out of line. While she may not understand how big a deal the wedding is, it’s not fair of her to say you are obsessed with it, when from what you wrote you clearly are not. Maybe she’s a little jealous, and this is how she’s showing it. You have every right to talk about your wedding, especially if people are asking you about it. You would think your closest friends would be supportive, and not treat you like crap cuz you’re getting married. As long as everything you talk about doesn’t revolve around the wedding, you should be fine. And I think its a good thing that you are so detailed about what you want and don’t want, that way they can get something they like that fits into the parameters you want, and there’s no question about what will make you happy. You need to sit down and have a heart to heart, and hopefully things will turn around
38 minutes ago Flag
MrsAmyB (message) October 30, 2010 Bay Area, California
I’m so sorry you’re going thru this during a what’s supposed to be a really happy time. I think you’re going above and beyond to be sensitive to their feelings. It does sound like they have some issues with you getting married, but that’s their issue, not yours. I think you’re being really layed back and accomodating. If I were you, I would keep being sensitive to their feelings, but act like there’s nothing wrong (ignore the underlying drama). As long as you don’t feel like you’re being bridezilla – you’re fine. Maybe if it all comes up again in conversation with all of them, ask how they expected this all to be like? What did they expect you tell them to wear? How did they expect you to act with all of this?
36 minutes ago Flag
chelseamorning (message) November 1, 2008 Washington, DC/Atlanta
I have a longer answer for you, but first off—-if you are worried about others finding this and it causing trouble, I would edit your post. Generally we don’t take posts down unless something has gotten really out of hand. If you know now that you’re not going to want this on the Internet for all to see, go forth and edit 🙂
36 minutes ago Flag
Mrs. Louboutin (message) July 10, 2010
Honestly, unless one of the girls is jealous that you are getting married and they aren’t, there really shouldn’t be this pushback.
The one thing I can see that they could be upset about is the fact that you are doing this so early. If you have more than 14 months before your wedding, stop sending wedding related emails. There is no reason to discuss any of this for MONTHS. If I were a b-maid and was getting wedding related emails from a bride whose wedding is more than a year away and then seeing how her ideas keep changing, I would be pretty annoyed too.
I know how frustrating this must seem, but I think a nice thing would be to send each of them a card thanking them for wanting to be with you on your special day. I would also refrain from sending them wedding related emails this early on.
35 minutes ago Flag
bakerella (message) September 11, 2010 Mississauga, ON
Ugh that really sucks. I agree with you, you think the girls you asked to be BMs and you’ve known for ages would know you better. I don’t know why weddings seem to change friendships so much. I am also really paranoid about talking about wedding stuff too much, but on the other hand, no one ever turns to my sister and says “Man. I don’t want to hear one more word about your kids! Isn’t there anything else in your life?!”. Frankly I don’t have a heck of a lot more going on. Work is slow and I’m okay with that because I can devote so much time to my wedding. I’m not going to feel guilty about that.
I think though you should get together with K and talk to her face to face. You’re totally right that things can easily be misread via email. Maybe by her asking about the lunch she’s saying “I’m over it, let’s move on” but sometimes a little moment of “hey, is everything okay? I hated talking like that over email, so I wanted to check in in person” goes a long way. If she’s over it, then don’t dwell on it. I have a hard time letting things go too, especially if you think you’ve hurt someone.
I think you were totally fair in telling your BMs that you don’t want a huge schmozzle of a shower or bachelorette. I think it’s respectful to their budgets and I think it’s also fair to lay out what your expectations are (or aren’t). I know I’ve told my sister/MOH the same sorts of things. I don’t want to be embarassed at my bachelorette, I don’t want to have a crazy wild drinking night, I want to do something that reflects me. I don’t think that’s controlling, I think it’s honesty. I would rather they know at the start what I’d be comfortable with happening and avoid some crazy night and end up with our friendship strained by the whole thing and a heck of a lot of tears!
You’re not a bridezilla. At least not in my eyes. It’s a shame your joke email was misread but you didn’t send it out with cruel intentions. You just didn’t see how they would read into it personally. Maybe you guys need a mani/pedi girl bonding night to smooth things over? A little group bonding may go a long way here.
21 minutes ago Flag
Miss Incognito (message)
I did apologize to her for sending the first email so early. I totally jumped the gun and admitted it. But I was really excited. Also, I forgot to mention that after I sent the first email, my sister and J both emailed me back and said something like “Yay! I’m so excited too!” J even started IMMEDIATELY sending me links to dresses saying “What do you think about these?” So it’s not like they all thought that I was being too crazy.
But yeah, I did apologize about the over-enthusiastic first email. The thing is, I’ve never been a bride before, and I haven’t been a bridesmaid in 15 years, so I don’t know the correct protocol. K also has only been a bridesmaid once and she was a last-minute replacement for someone else who’d dropped out. So she never had to deal with the newly engaged enthusiasm.
18 minutes ago Edit
christalynn11 (message) October 22, 2010 Marysville, WA
Please do edit your posting and leave this up if you can! I agree that a lot of us (especially those of us who are very upfront and blunt by nature) have run into similar problems with our wedding party and talking to friends about this.
I’ve run into the feeling where no one is “excited” about the wedding also. And while it’s fine that you recognize that no one is as excited as you are abut your wedding, I know that it doesn’t get any easier or make you feel better when what you want is for someone to particpate with you. No advice there other than to try and remind yourself that when it gets to crunch time they WILL be excited and they WILL care. It’s just that planning is boring for everyone but the bride (for the most part anyway!)
Overall this sounds like an awful misunderstanding. I think they both are trying to let the emotions cool and I’d give them some ‘wedding space’ to regroup before you guys go over anymore details. FWIW in hindsight the email as a joke was not the best form. If I were the bridesmaid getting it I may never have gotten to the bottom to see the PS part – I’d have closed it, been hurt and not said much.
11 minutes ago Flag
runskiclimb (message) June 26, 2010 Michigan
To be completely honest, I was a little surprised by the email you copid in your original post. It had a certain tone about it that seemed a little off to me. I don’t think it was necessarily what you were saying, but rather how you phrased it.
For example, phrases like “Most likely I’ll just tell you to wear . . . ” and “If my mom’s house was bigger, I’d make her have it” come across as a little demanding.
I know you did not intend to give that impression, but I can understand where your friend is coming from. If I received an email like that, I would be a little put off and sensitive to anything wedding related from the sender. That being said, it sounds like you’ve done your part to make amends and apologize for misunderstandings. It seems like now all you can do is wait for things to return to normal.
5 minutes ago Flag
Miss Incognito (message)
Just tried to edit the post, but it’s too late. Sigh. This is why I suggested yesterday that we can have the option to make threads only accessible by registered users.
I’m going to ask that this is deleted, as Mr. Bee suggested. Sorry, guys. I’ll put up a more general post so that the discussion can be continued if anyone still wants to talk about it.
3 minutes ago Edit
Dancy905 (message) September 5, 2010 NY, NY
Ok, 1st of all – I LOVED that April Fools post. I totally stole it from you, blogged about it (with proper credit given) and sent it to a couple friends (3 my bridesmaids incl) who ALL thought it was hysterical! I’m surprised anyone could read that & take it realistically.
While I agree with PP’s who say all this is being thought about really early in regard to your date, I see your point too. I’d be upset too if my friends weren’t excited together with me and for me. I think you’re going about it the right way – making plans, not talking about the wedding, etc. I’d def lay off the email conversations for a while. Sounds like your sister gets it and is with you 100 % – I know she’s further away, but it may be best to turn to her more than the others? Stick with the girls night out and maybe invite them over for a low key night in or a mani-pedi like someone suggested and just have fun.
I’m with MissAsB too, I don’t get why she’d read your wedding related blog if she doesn’t want to hear about your wedding? ??
3 minutes ago Flag
CurlyDreamer (message) patiently waiting Bay Area
To me, it sounds like a huge misunderstanding done by email. Both sides have valid points.
I think the key to remember is that everyone isn’t necessarily as excited about weddings (which doesn’t mean they’re not supportive) but the mundane little details don’t really matter to everyone else as much as to you.
I would relax and take a deep breath and truly let it go. You made a mistake, your friends made a mistake. I wouldn’t bring it up anymore or try to explain. A good fix would probably be just to hang out together and enjoy each other’s company, not talk about wedding related stuff, or the emails or hurt feelings. I have found that when I have misunderstandings with friends it gets to a point where you really just have to move past it, let it go, and just go back to enjoying one another.